4 Tips to Beat the Blahs

 

Feeling bored and uninspired by life lately?

I dealt with this not so long ago. I felt bored with everything I did and found myself constantly searching for that "fun" thing that would get me fired up again.

I know I'm not alone in this, so I thought I'd share some of the things that helped get my spark back.

 

1. Do something different.

Sometimes you're in a rut, because you're well, in a rut. Walking the same paths, doing the same things, seeing the same people...

No matter how fun something is at at first, if you do it consistently enough, you run the risk of burnout. Rather than giving up something you once found fun, try doing something different for a while. Spice it up.

Take a new route for your morning walk. Visit a friend you haven't seen in a while. Read a book you wouldn't normally read. Find a way to add something new to your day.

2. Remind yourself of your goals.

How many times have you quit your workout routine out of sheer boredom? I sure know I've done it plenty of times!

But rather than quit, always remember why you're doing this. Never, ever forget your goals, remember how important they are to you, and find a new route to get there.

3. Soak up some sunshine.

Sometimes you just need a bit of sun. While there are cons to getting too much sun, a bit of sun in small doses is great for boosting, not only your mood, but immunity, the quality of sleep, and lowering blood pressure.

Spend some time outdoors playing catch with your kid or take your dog for a walk that's more than just a potty trip. Instead of reading in bed, grab a blanket and find a park with a big shade tree.

4. Take a break.

On the other hand, sometimes the lack of desire to do anything is your brain telling you that it really doesn't want to do anything. We seem to stay so busy these days, focusing so much on maximizing our days, that we hit sensory overload. It might be time to simply do nothing and relax.

Find a quiet place and just spend some time with yourself. Maybe in a quiet park, or a river bank. Or sitting quietly in a library. Pick something that won't stimulate your senses, and just be with yourself, your thoughts. You could also try meditating.

Do you have any tricks that have worked for you?

Image credit: 1 R. Nial Bradshaw; 2 Ralph Bestic

How to Love When It's the Last Thing You Want to Do (Fight Back With Love Pt 2)

Last week, we talked about 10  Ways to Fight Back With Love when life is throwing punches at us. This week, I'm expanding on that post to show you how to accomplish these things, because, sometimes loving is the hardest thing to do.

You can click the link above to read the whole article, but I summed up the 10 Ways in the perfectly pinnable graphic below.



So how do you actually do these things?

Be Mindful

Stop.

Breathe.

Think.

Pay attention to your emotions and the feelings rushing through you. Force yourself to acknowledge any negative feelings. Recognize and name them - anger, frustration, annoyance, whatever. When you do this, when you call out those emotions, you have two choices: You can continue the behavior and give in to the feelings, possibly doing something you'll regret later. Or you can recognize the slippery slope you're on, decide you're better than that, and take back control of your life!

Don't Be Afraid

Whether it's fear of change or fear that you won't succeed, if you give in to it, you'll be right. If you believe you can't do it, you won't do it. It really is that simple. In order to succeed at anything, you must first try.

Think About the Other Person

It's so easy to get caught up in your own life, after all, it is the only life you know. But it is important to take a step back sometimes, and try to see things from the other persons point of view. If someone is being particularly hostile toward you, but you can't think of any reason they'd be angry at you, consider that, well, they might not be angry at you. Maybe they've had a supremely awful day, and you just happen to be the person around to receive all their emotional shrapnel.

Consider what might have happened to make them so upset. Maybe they are arguing with a loved one? Maybe someone has hurt them deeply and anger is the only response they know? Maybe all they need is a reminder that someone  cares about them?

You can always ask them what is bothering them (one way of showing you care), but if you aren't comfortable with that yet, simply imagine things that might make them act negatively. It doesn't really matter if it's true, because, often simply the possibility of it, is enough to trigger compassion toward them.

Give Up Needing to "Win"

You're right. They're wrong. Therefore, you need to "win" the argument, right?

Wrong.

How many times have you won an argument, but still came out of it feeling like you lost? This is because no ever really wins an argument. By getting your way, someone else loses, and is possibly hurt in the process. When we give in to anger, we're really giving ourselves to it. It leads the show, and it has only one objective: getting what it wants. It doesn't care what it has to do  to get it, and tt doesn't care who gets hurt in the process. But once the objective has been obtained, the anger steals away into the night, leaving you to clean up the mess.

Accept that losing an argument is better than losing (or hurting) someone you love. Stop what you're doing, and tell them you love them, and it's not worth the argument.

Decide That Love is What You Want to Do

I'm not sure who initially said it, and I've heard many versions of it, but always keep this in mind:

"Do not give up what you want most, for what you want now."— Unknown.

We're all very good at making plans and deciding we want something. We want something so badly, we set goals, we make a plan. And then we give up at the first hurdle.

If you care about something enough to work it into you life, then care about it enough when times are hard.

Love, even when it's hard.

What is one way you want to remind yourself to love?

 

10 Ways to Fight Back With Love

Note: The logo vote was incredibly fun! You can see the winning logo above, which won by a large majority! I want to send out a huge thanks to all of you who voted! Now, on with the show.

 

The majority of my life could be categorized into two ways: Offensive Mode and Defensive Mode.

As a kid, beginning in elementary school, I was completely in Defensive Mode. I was shy and bullied - not a great combination for building self-esteem. I always felt that I had to defend myself and my choices to everyone. It didn't help that I wanted to be different, for sure.

I recall one 3rd grade morning recess with clarity.

I had been minding my own business, sitting alone and building a sand castle in the dirt (not a sandbox). Two girls walk up to me (they were known as the mean girls) and glare at me. One says "Look how stupid she is, sitting in the dirt." The other says, "You like dirt so much? Here's some dirt." And they both proceed to kick dirt on me.

It only lasted a few minutes, and I wasn't physically harmed, but that moment was one of the first in a string of incidents that molded my defensive behavior. In the moment, I wasn't defensive. If anything, I was merely submissive. Letting them do what they wished, in the hope they would get bored and move on. It worked, but it left me always wanting to scream "I'm not stupid!" or whatever was the choice adjective of the day.

To this day, being called any version of "stupid", being wrong, or making mistakes still makes me cringe. I've come a long, long way from that day, but I will be the first to admit, it's hard to turn off certain reactions.

I retaliated by proving that I wasn't stupid. I focused on my school work, acing class after class, bemoaning anything lower than a A. I graduated 9th in my class.  This was my defensive period. This was my way of saying "You're wrong, damn it!"

But when high school rolled around, I finally realized that defense wasn't any good without a great offense. And thus began my "Fuck the world" phase.

I never fell toward drugs or alcohol as many teens do, but I did become angry. Or well, I alternated between anger and apathy. If it didn't anger me, or prove my point, I didn't care. I lost a couple friends this way, but I didn't care then— I was angry. Sometimes, it felt like I would go out of my way to make people not like me. Because I was different, damn it. I don't need you to like me.

So what does all this have to do with you?

Everything or nothing. I tell you this story because I know there are so, so many of us out there who have been bullied, picked on, and made to feel like we're wrong for wanting to be different. There are many who are overweight, born different, look different, talk different. There are many who have their differences inside, and so, so many who have their differences on the outside. We have ailments, and diseases, allergies,and preferences. And there are so many who like to point out those differences and make us feel bad for it.

I tell you this story, because many of us get caught up in Defense/Offense Mode and we forget that there is another option— Love.

1. Rather than trying to convince someone how awesome you are, love yourself.

2. Rather than being angry at others, love them. You don't know what they're going through.

3. Instead of hiding your differences, love them. Unique isn't wrong, it's beautiful.

4. When someone tries to degrade your worth, remind yourself how much you love yourself. Yours is the only opinion that matters.

5. When you're hurt or sad, rather than lashing out, love yourself. Your own love is the best love.

6. When you insult yourself, correct it by reminding yourself how much you love you.

7. When you feel the urge to gossip, ask yourself if love is involved. Spite, jealousy, and resentment are enemies of love.

8. When you want to scream at someone, tell them you love them instead.

9. When someone is screaming at you, tell them you still love them.

10. No matter what, always, always love yourself. If you can love yourself, nothing else matters.

 

How are you going to spread some love in the world today?

Image courtesy of: Marc Falardeau

 

How to Turn Judgement Into Acceptance

The world is full of judging.

We judge our situations so that we can decide if they're safe. We judge acts to determine if they are crimes. We judge relationships to see if they are healthy for us.

Every single decision we make is based on a judgement of some sort.

We buy a specific car because we judge it to to fit with our required safety/economical/vanity/etc categories. We choose to read a book because we judge it to be a likely candidate to entertain us.

But we also judge others to be wrong, and ourselves to be right, even when a clear right/wrong line isn't established. We judge others based on their behavior, their choices, their actions. And we also judge them based on their income, their sex, their nationality, their religion. We, as a society, as a whole, do this.

Judging is everywhere, and dare I say, necessary. But before you judge me for that statement, let me elaborate.

Though that idea may seem to clash with the ideas behind Un-Copied Life, like individuality and acceptance, I maintain that the two sides aren't mutually exclusive.

While judgement does seem to be the nemesis of acceptance, and it certainly can be, I do feel that we can find a healthy balance between the two.

And I'll show you how, but first I want to look at some of the reasons we judge.

1. We judge for safety/mechanical/logical reasons. 

These reasons are the absolutely necessary ones. An example from above would be buying a car. We judge it to fit our requirements of what we need and want in a car. Or judging a situation to be physically safe. Or judging a cliff too dangerous to stand on. Judging crimes would also fall into this category. Despite the many failures of our judicial system, they are indeed necessary. Though these types are important, they will not be the main focus of this post. 

 

2. We want to establish a difference between ourselves and the other party.

When we see something we disagree with, the desire to separate ourselves from it is in our nature. And believe it or not, it actually goes back to "fitting in". We draw back from this thing we disagree with, sidling up with our beliefs and those who agree with us. Strength in numbers, after all. And we even try to use those numbers as "proof" that we're right.

Separation, in and of itself, isn't all that bad. The problem arises when we get into "Right/Wrong" mode. We start throwing insults, either directly or through veiled insinuations, and what happens is everyone winds up stressed and feeling alienated.

3. We see negative qualities of ourselves in someone else, but don't want to admit it.

Have you ever gone on a diet? You're sitting there at work, it's lunchtime and you're munching away on your third tasteless salad of the  week. You look over and see the "chubby girl" chowing down a slice of pizza. You immediately jump to thoughts of how horrible she is and how great you are because, "Hey, I'm the one eating the salad!" Except, you'd almost be willing to give your right kidney for a slice of that pizza right now.

The truth is that you're resentful of your diet, but rather than admit it, you project your negative feelings onto someone else, to make you feel better.

So, what do we do about it?

How do we reconcile our nature to judge with our need to be a better, more caring person?

Here's how:

1. Consider what you may not know.

In the lunch break/pizza scenario above, what you didn't know is that the "chubby girl" is busting her butt to lose weight. She has woken up an hour early every day to exercise for the last 3 months and has managed to lose 25 lbs. And that's the first slice of pizza she's eaten in six months.

Consider the quote:

"We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions"
— Ian Percy

We can't know everything about someone. We don't know what goes on in their heads and we don't know why the make the decisions they do.

We don't know the history that brought them to the moment to make a choice in their life. So, how can we justify judging them based solely on what we see or hear?

Consider how it makes you feel when someone incorrectly judges you? Don't you want the chance to defend yourself?

Wouldn't it be easier to skip the judgement altogether?

2. Practice acceptance.

Practice building your acceptance muscle. Acceptance is the way to merge two opposing ideas. Accept that the other person is different. They have their own history, their own goals, and their own desires.

There is no right and wrong. There is no better or worse. There is only what is. And it isn't up to you to change that person to your way of thinking.

“It's not given to people to judge what's right or wrong. People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong.”
― Leo Tolstoy

And as I've said before, acceptance doesn't mean you agree with the other person, it simply means that you recognize that what is best for one, isn't automatically what is best for all.

3. Be willing to learn

Be open to learning about yourself and about others. If something bothers you, find out why. Read, ask questions (politely!), do what you have to in order to learn. Often, you'll find that your differences aren't as clear-cut as you think they are.

Be open to seeing the other side of the argument. Of course, this is sometimes much harder in practice than in theory. Know that. Don't shy away from what you don't know because it will be difficult.

“Judging others makes us blind, whereas love is illuminating. By judging others we blind ourselves to our own evil and to the grace which others are just as entitled to as we are.”
― Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Image courtesy of David Goehring

 

3 Signs You're Letting The Past Hold You Back

 

Are you chronically stuck in the past? Are you allowing your history to knock your present off track, much like a skipping record? That's the question I'm posing today.

First, I think it's important to note that while the things that happened to you in the past are distinct, individual moments in time, the idea of "the past" has no such distinction. It is impossible to completely compartmentalize the people and events from your past. Because, even if you no longer think of a specific moment in time, it is still there. You may never on call on the memory of it, but in some way it either a) taught you something, or b) reinforced something you already believed, effectively planting itself in your present, whether you know it or not.

In the words of Anthropology and Social Sciences Professor, Michel-Rolph Trouillot:

"But the past does not exist independently from the present. Indeed, the past is only past because there is a present, just as I can point to something over there only because I am here. But nothing is inherently over there or here. In that sense, the past has no content. The past -- or more accurately, pastness -- is a position. Thus, in no way can we identify the past as past." — Michel-Rolph Trouillot

This is all to say, there is no way to completely extinguish your past from your now, even if you're a completely different person than you used to be.

A former drug addict might beat the addiction and become a stand-up, honest, law-abiding citizen, which are seemingly on opposite ends of the spectrum. But his past, the desire to overcome, the desire to change, and the desire to be better, all would come together to allow him to be this new person. There might be millions of stand-up, honest, law-abiding citizens in the world, but none would exactly like him, because they didn't share his unique past.

However, there is a difference between the natural fusion of past and present, and allowing the past to dictate your life.

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?" —Mary Manin Morrissey

But how do you know if your past is overtaking your present?

3 Signs You're Letting The Past Hold You Back

1. You cling to nostalgia

Do you find that much of your free thoughts are spent thinking about good old days? No matter how old we are, we all have periods of time in our lives that we feel were pretty great or special. The problem is when we begin to wish we could go back or attempt to recreate that time in our current life.

I've tried this in my life, and I can tell you it doesn't work. People are constantly morphing into new people - we get older, our habits change, our friends change, our beliefs about ourselves and others change - and attempting to force people and situations into what they once were is a recipe for failure.

Try this instead: Think about what it is that is drawing your back to that particular time. Maybe you crave a particular kind of happiness or closeness. Maybe you had a lot of friends, but don't anymore, and you miss the busyness of going out with friends. Figure out what it truly is that you miss, and then find a way to get it in your current life.

For example, if you moved across the country, but you realize that you're always thinking about your old group of friends because you miss the companionship of always having someone to talk to, then you could find a way to meet people. Maybe try out a class or make a promise to say hi to three new people a day. You never know where a connection will be made.  And instead of making yourself miserable wishing you hadn't moved, you're out making new friends.

And keep in mind, that the problem with living in the past and trying to live someone else's life is that neither of these people are you. Tweet this.

 2. You are hurt by imagined wrongs.

Has a friend ever said something that you took as an insult, but was in no way meant to insult you? Maybe they commented on the size of your house and you immediately thought they were calling your house small. Maybe it pisses you off when your mother-in-law stops by and goes right to cleaning your kitchen, because you feel she's silently saying that you aren't doing your job of keeping the house clean.

As a kid, I was bullied and called stupid a lot (even though I was far from it). This transferred into my adult life via anger and embarrassment any time I got something wrong - that irrational feeling of being stupid would always show up.

Try this instead: Look at the situation objectively. Is this person really trying to insult you, or is something from your past trying to bubble up. If you can recognize that the latter is happening, you can stop it. Remind yourself that you are not what this emotion is telling you. Try to think why this person is saying what they're saying. Maybe your mother-in-law isn't making a statement about your cleanliness - maybe she noticed that you have a toddler clinging to your hip while cooking dinner and thought she'd help out and take one task off your to-do list.

I should note that sometimes things are indeed meant as insults. But remember, you control whether or not the insults hit their mark. Your reaction determines whether the person is shooting bullets or shooting blanks.

3. You continue the same thought and action patterns despite knowing they aren't working for you.

The past is familiar. And we tend to like what is familiar. Only sometimes, familiar is what gets us into predicaments.

Take weight loss, for instance. Have you ever tried to lose weight, but get caught up in resentment, toward those to seemingly get to eat whatever they want or toward your younger body that never used to gain weight. We begin to get frustrated when we aren't losing fast enough, and then give up. We do this again and again, ad infinitum, and come to the conclusion that it can't be done.  Except our conclusion is based on faulty logic, incomplete data, and half-hearted attempts.

Try this instead: Instead of basing decisions on past occurrences, take note of the facts (not opinions) about the current situation. Instead of relying on what you think you know, take the time to really look objectively at the situation. Using the example from above, instead of assuming you just can't lose weight, look at the steps that got you there. Did you really eat as well as you thought? Or did you happen to "forget" the nights of snacking in front of the tv?  Keep analyzing everything until you get down to the root of the problem. It's not that you couldn't lose weight, it's that you couldn't lose weight doing what you were doing.

So, borrowing from the Morrissey qoute above, What is it you would let go of today? What is holding you back that you would let go of today? 

Image Source Credit  Image quote by Dennis Waitley

 

The Overdoer's Guide to Getting Things Done

I am always doing way too many things at once. I often find myself reading several books at once, researching several things at a time - often of varying subjects, and multi-tasking all day long. If I'm watching tv, I'm also online. While I'm cooking I'll be doing calf raises or wall pushups in between stirring. I never have less than 3 tabs open on my browser, and I'm currently signed up for 2 online courses (both voluntary) and working through one workbook. Then I have to add in required things like cleaning, working, exercising, grocery shopping and making sure the kids aren't killing each other.

Sound familiar?

With a list like this, I sound like SuperWoman, right? Except that I'm not.

Because what happens when you put more on your plate than your mind can handle?

Overwhelm.

And what do you get done when your overwhelmed? Nothing. Or at least nothing of quality.

When I sit down to work, I start with a mental list of things in my head. One by one the tasks start coming, slowly at first, and then faster, until I have a jumble of things that need to be done and nowhere near enough time to do them all.

• I need to write a post.


• I need to finish my manifesto.


• I need to work on the courses I'm in.


• Which remind me I need to work on planning my own course.


• And oh, the workbook. I really need to work on it too.


• And on and on.

When I sit down with completely free time - nothing to cook, nothing that needs written immediately, nothing to clean - I'll say to myself, "Ok, what now?" The list of thoughts then looks like:

• Free time! What game shall I play?


• Wait, I can't play a game, I should really write another post, get ahead of schedule.


• But the manifesto isn't complete.


• And I still have courses to finish.


• And I still have planning to do.


• Ugh, and I gotta make a grocery list for tomorrow.


• And I still have to...

And on and on it goes. You may not be doing the same tasks as me, but I bet if I erased my tasks and asked you to put yours in, you'd have zero problems filling in the blanks... you might even need more blanks.

The problem with all of this, is not just that we've overbooked ourselves, but also that it's damn near impossible to do one task when you're worried about another. Nothing ever gets done. You keep worrying about what needs to get done. You try again, and the evil cycle continually repeats itself.

So what do you do about it?

 

The Overdoer's Guide to Getting Things Done

1. Start with a list. This list should include everything you need to start, everything you need to finish, and everything in between. Work stuff. Family stuff. Personal stuff. It all goes on the list. So take your time with it. And every time you have the thought "But I really need to do ___", just add it to the list.

2. Cull this list. You and I, both, know this list contains way more than you can feasibly do in a day or a week... maybe even a month, depending on what's on your list. Now is the time to admit that to yourself. It will save you a lot of worry and stress later on. It's time to thin the ranks. Items to really pay attention to:

• Items solely for the purpose of making people like you. This list should only contain things that are for, and that will benefit, you. Going out of your way in order to change the way someone thinks of you is not only time consuming, it's time wasting.


• Excessive volunteering. Helping others is wonderful- but not when you're overloaded. Save it for when you've gotten a handle on your current schedule. If you must include some volunteering, keep it to a minimum and don't sign up for the biggest, most time consuming task available.


• Items that truly aren't necessary. Signed up for yet another pointless class/webinar/subscription that you can already predict what they're going to tell you? Cut them off now! Keep in mind that some "fun" is necessary. Just keep things proportional. An 80/20 ratio of work/fun is a good start. For you workaholics, 20%  may sound like a lot of fun time, but it's essential. It will help prevent burnout and overwhelm, and keep you happier. And as a bonus, happier people tend to do better work, faster.

3. Order your list. You should now have a list of items that are: important, beneficial to you, and necessary for the life that you desire. But to get the most out of your list, it should be in the right order.

• Start with the most urgent. This part is simple. Pick out the items with strict deadlines: work projects, kids birthdays, meetings, fundraisers - anything that you have to do, but don't have flexibility in choosing a date. Write them in your calendar.


• Then move on to the most flexible.These will be the things that are important to you, but individually have no specific completion date. These are things like exercising, changing your eating habits, writing a chapter in your novel, writing a guestpost, making an appointment for your "yearly" health check up. Because of their flexible nature, these are the things that are always put off for "tomorrow". Only tomorrow you put them off again. And again. And again. And then you look up a year later and all you have to show for most of them is an extra 10lbs, and an empty word file where your novel should have been.
  
  
  
  • Set a date. These things don't have deadlines, so give them one. If you know you can always come back to it later, it will never be on top of your priority list.
  
  
  • Write it in your calendar. If you use an electronic calendar (your phone, google, etc), set reminders.
  
  
  
  


• Then finish everything else. Take a look at what's left on your list. These will be things that might have a generalized deadline, but not quite set in stone. Things like cleaning your house or grocery shopping. These are things that haveto be done in the near future, but can be moved around if needed. You have two choices with these:
  
  
  
  • Lock them in. You can always schedule these items, just like you did with the rest. If you like having your day planned ahead of time, this is probably the option for you. Want Saturday to be laundry day? You can do that. Or you can make Sunday, batch cooking day. And Wednesday can be dusting day. Tuesday is errand day. Whatever you decide - whatever is important for you.
  
  
  • Or set up a waiting list. If you're a go-with-the-flow type who likes to leave some things unplanned, this would be the option for you. Because these are things that have to be done frequently, you're unlikely to push them back too far. You can put these on a list and stick them to your refrigerator and get to them as you have time. Have an hour between errands and picking up the kids? Perfect time to wash some dishes, vacuum, or make your grocery list.
  
  
  
  

4. Get things done. With all of your distractions and worries all neatly planned and scheduled, you can finally relax. You can work on one task with completely, without worrying about when you'll get to the rest of them. Not only does this help lower your stress levels, it also allows you to focus on the task at hand, which means you'll get it done quicker, with less chance of errors. And that alone will save you time. Now go on and get things done!

 Image credit: Urs Steiner, Kroszk@

So You Want to Actually Enjoy the Holidays? 9 Tips to Knock Out Holiday Stress

With the U.S. coming off the Thanksgiving endorphin high induced by mounds of turkey, potatoes, and decadent sugary desserts, it's all too common to feel the seasonal stress slowly begin to tighten around your neck like a brightly lit and twinkling little noose. Many of you are likely to have a constant loop of "Oh but I still have to...", "Your mother is staying how long?", "Wait, that costs what?!", running through your heads like a bad song on repeat. You may even have already resigned yourself to thinking "This is just how the holidays are" and given up on the notion that they are supposed to be fun. Maybe you're stressed to the point that you find yourself like this little elf, curled into the fetal position, screaming  "No more!"

But the truth is that they aren't supposed to make you want to crawl into a cave until January. The holidays are about celebrating, giving, loving, coming together, and cherishing the things you  have and the people you're with.

Now, I'm not going to claim it will be easy. For these suggestions to work, you must want it. You must put forth the effort, stick to your guns, and follow through. If you do, you'll be on your way to truly happy holidays.

The "Yes, we're related" Stress

Fifteen people crammed into one house + individual annoyances and preferences + unsolicited advice + past grievances = Stress like no other stress.

These are all the people who know you the best, have seen you at your worst, and aren't afraid to call you out when they know you're making things up. But they're also the people who love you and want the best for you, even if they're doing it totally wrong.

1. Decide ahead of time the types of conversations you will (and won't) participate in. If you know there is likely to be some issue ruffling feathers, it's best to not get involved. Families like to help each other, but sometimes the best help you can offer is leaving a problem alone. If grandma is trying to scare off Katie's "unsuitable" boyfriend, stay out of it. Let Grandma and Katie, both, know that you won't be getting involved. Same goes for jobs, husbands, child-rearing, or the lack of.

2. If you're hosting a get-together, make some rules. It's your house, you decide what is allowed and what isn't. No arguing, no smoking, no re-cleaning my house after I just cleaned it. Whatever bugs you. It may seem petty to some, but if it's something that makes your blood pressure rise, then you need to lay down some ground rules. Be nice, but be clear.

3. Pay attention to the things that make you happy. These are usually small things, and as such, are often overlooked. Instead of focusing on the big things (that often have a tendency of going awry), pay attention to everything else. Love the smell of the Christmas Tree? Find a seat close to it. Feel calm watching the lights blink on and off? Take 10 minutes to sit and watch them. Love cooking? Offer to help in the kitchen. Enjoy being outside? Grab a kid and make a snowman. The possibilities are endless. Small things added up really do make a difference.

The "This is too expensive" Stress

These days holidays can seem less like holidays and more like A-reason-to-spend-money-days. Between gifts, food, decorations, travel and vacations, the holidays can seem like one big money pit. This season is about giving. It's not about giving the most expensive gift you can find. Find a balance that soothes your mind and your wallet.

1. Make a list. Decide who you're buying gifts for and stick to it. If you know money will be tight this year, it's time to trim the list. Do you really need to get a gift for your cousins two children? Should you get a gift for the aunt who lives 2000 miles away who you never see? Or what about your 20 grandchildren? It's up to you. Just remember that you have to draw the line somewhere. Decide who are the most important people in your life, who needs a smile the most, who gifts would help the most. Start with them.

2. Set limits. Decide how much you can realistically spend and then divvy it up appropriately among those you have to buy for. This way you know exactly how much you have to spend for each person, without having to do the mental money tango of "Can I afford this?" Decide ahead of time and stick to it.

3. Be okay with your decisions. You can't buy everyone exactly what they want all the time. Make your decisions, stick with them, and know that you did what you could. Don't feel guilty for what you missed or couldn't afford. Feel good knowing that you did what you were able. That's all you need to worry about.

The "I don't have time for this" Stress

24 hours in a day and you've got to sleep for at least a third of them. Somehow, you have to figure out how to fit all of your regular tasks in PLUS all of these new holiday ones - decorating, shopping, cooking, wrapping, parties, visiting and on and on. I can seem impossible, but you have more flexibility than you think.

1. Bundle up. And I don't mean with jackets. Bundle up your activities where possible to save time. Do your holiday food shopping the same day you usually buy your groceries. If you can afford it, have the stores wrap the gifts for you. Cooking a fancy meal? Double the recipes and freeze the extras. This could save several days worth of cooking, freeing up time for something else.

2. Enlist help. If you have older children, they can certainly help you cook, decorate, even wrap other children's presents (provided they won't blab what the presents are!) Teens can even help with the shopping and other errands. Get the spouse involved. Parents, friends, and siblings too. Make your holiday meal a potluck. Sometimes, it's hard to let go of control and allow others to help, but sometimes that's where the real spirit of the holidays comes out.

3. Realize you have limits. Do what you can and refuse to feel guilty or pressured to do something you can't. Relax and decide to enjoy yourself. If something doesn't get done, it doesn't get done. No worry, no guilt.

Just like you can love a person, but not like them very much, you can apply this thinking to the holidays. You may feel more stress, but you can learn to cherish these weeks in spite of it. Decide to be thankful for the things and the family that you have. Enjoy this time... and remember, they only happen once a year.

 Image courtesy of Dylan Tweney

Are The People In Your Life Ruining Your Self-Esteem?

This is a hard question because it's one many people don't want to look at too closely.

We don't want to admit that a person we care about is bad for us. We don't want to admit that we chose to let the wrong person into our lives. We don't want to let go of something that probably was pretty good at one time or another.

Maybe we know someone toxic, spewing their poison everywhere they go. Or maybe they are a bit more subtle, leaving drops of negativity in sneaky places, making your believe they are your own.

Or it could be that they aren't intentionally hurting you. As busy as life is these days, we're often so preoccupied with our own life that  we're unaware of the feelings of those around us. It's normal. But how much is okay? How long should you hold on to someone who is too busy for you? That's an answer I'm still working on.

But I do know this:

Chances are that you have someone in your life right now that you probably should have let go a long time ago. Tweet this.

And as hard as it can be to deal with this person, as much stress as you feel when they are around you or when you think about them, they actually affect you much more than you might realize. This is where I introduce the concept of the generalized other and the term everybody committee.

The Generalized Other and Your Everybody Committee

When I learned about these concepts, I was flabbergasted. The ideas were so simple, but so true, that I couldn't fathom why it had never occurred to me before. And since learning of these concepts, I have drastically changed how I view the people around me.

So what are they?

The generalized other is a concept that was introduced by George Herbert Mead. It is basically our interpretation of how we think other people expect us to think and act in a situation.

A great example of the generalized other is the WWJD bracelet craze that popped up back in the 90's. If you don't know, "WWJD" stands for "What would Jesus do?" The bracelets were created to be a little reminder to think of how Jesus would want you to act in a situation. This is a classic generalized other.

If you ever ask yourself "What am I supposed to wear?" or "How am I supposed to act?" then you are calling on your knowledge of the generalized other.

Now, a generalized other isn't bad, in fact according to Mead, it's necessary, especially as a child, to learn and adapt to correct behavior and expectations.

But many times we take the generalized other too far, letting it control us too much.

So how do we control it and where do the majority of our notions of the generalized other come from?

This is where your everybody committee comes into play.

I had the pleasure of picking up the November 2012 issue of O Magazine a couple weeks ago and this is how I discovered the concept of everybody committees.

Everybody committee is a term coined by life coach, Martha Beck. And though I'm still learning about this term, I wanted to give you an overview of the idea behind it. You can find the original article on the O Magazine website  if you'd like to read it (which I highly recommend that you do!).

"Your generalized other is actually based on a mental magnification of just a few people, often the most judgmental people you know." — Martha Beck

Beck suggests an exercise where you complete sentences like "Everybody thinks I'm ____"  and then think of a real life person who has actually, word for word, said this to you. There are more examples of this exercise in the original article. I urge you to go read this part at the very least, I can wait.

These people are your everybody committee. Beck says "I believe most of us have very small committees—often just one individual, almost never more than six. Yet we subconsciously project their opinions onto the entire global population."

They are often the most negative or influential people in your life. So when you are feeling frustrated and upset, and you lash out saying something like "I'm tired of everybody _______!" you're saying "everybody" but you're most likely feeling pressure from only one or two people.

Did you get that? Because it's important.

We tend to take the opinion of one person, and put it on everyone. And this is where we get into trouble.

This is where we feel unloved by everyone because one person won't call us back. This is where we get angry at a whole group of people because of one persons stupidity.

But it's also why we might put up with pain longer than we should.

Going back to the negative people in your life - Are these people in your everybody committee? Have you caught yourself blaming "everyone" for something that only they have said or done? Has your self-esteem suffered because of this person?

If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then it's time to look at that relationship and decide if it's worth it to keep them in your life.

Remember:

We only get one life. We shouldn't waste it by defending our choices to everyone, when we should just say goodbye to one person. Tweet this.

I'm still deciding how to handle the people that I've realized are in my everybody committee. Of course, it isn't going to be easy and definitely not painless. But in the long run it will be worth it.

What about you? Did you learn anything new by completing the exercise Beck suggested? Please share you thoughts in the comments below.

Image courtesy of Jamiesrabbits

 

Why Acceptance Isn't Optional

Acceptance is one of the most important things you can do for your happiness.

But there's a lot of mystery and hype surrounding that word— Happiness. We're told "do this" or "buy that" and we'll be happy. So we do what we're told to do and buy what we're told to buy, all in the hope of gaining a bigger slice of the happiness pie.

But the truth is that we already have everything we need to be happy. Most of us just haven't realized it yet.

You know where this is going now, don't you?

That's right— Acceptance.

Many people believe that acceptance means defeat (it doesn't) or that it makes you a failure (nope) and they never give this fantastic tool a fair shot.

Why is acceptance so important anyway?

To answer that, we first have to look at where the need for it is coming from. If we know that acceptance is the solution, then non-acceptance is the problem.

Think about the most recent negative emotions you have felt. Maybe you felt anger or impatience? Irritation? Heartache? Fear?

Now, look a why you felt those emotions.

Perhaps a friend said something insulting and it made you angry. Or your husband forgot your anniversary and it made you feel hurt and invisible. Maybe you felt irritation and impatience pounding in your ears as you sat in rush hour traffic on your way home from work last night.

Though each one is different, they are all the same.

In each situation, you reacted negatively, because something didn't go the way you wanted it to.

I've said that before, but it's super important, so I'm going to say it again...

You feel negative emotions because something didn't go the way you wanted it to.

This is important.

We like being in control. And we don't like to admit that we can't control the majority of what happens to us. Sure, we have the power to choose, but we never know with certainty what result that choice will bring us. And so we like to pretend that we do have control, that we can choose exactly what happens to us.

The result? Something doesn't go according to plan and we feel anger (or some other negative emotion) at ourselves (for picking a bad plan) or whoever has done us wrong (for interrupting our perfect plan).

We must accept that we can not control everything.

Basic acceptance begins with admitting that we aren't perfect, nor can we ever be. We make mistakes and we learn from them. This is how we grow and learn. Perfection is an unrealistic and impossible goal.

I repeat: Perfection is an impossible goal. Tweet this.

Accept your emotions

Since we know we can't be perfect, it makes sense that learning something new, such as acceptance, will take time and that we'll make mistakes along the way, especially in the beginning. We'll still get angry, we'll still feel impatience. But rather than berating yourself, just accept it.

Say to yourself, "I'm angry/impatient/annoyed, and that's okay. I am okay." Instead of giving in to your emotions, learn from them. With practice, those negative emotional spikes won't be quite so pointy.

Accept the situation

A common misconception is that acceptance means giving up, not striving for progress or for something more. You can still set goals - say to lose your temper less or to lose 20 pounds, all while still practicing acceptance.

Let's take weight loss as an example.

You step on the scale, note your weight and decide that you really do need to lose those last 20 pounds. At this point you can be critical with yourself, groaning about not exercising enough and eating too many bad foods... OR

You can accept that what's done is done. Yes, you ate the foods. Yes, you didn't exercise as much as you should have. But talking negatively to yourself isn't going to magically transport you back in time and give you the chance to redo it all. And it certainly isn't going to make you feel confident that you'll be able to do it in the future.

In fact, all that negativity is going to make you more likely to fail in the future.

Instead, just remind yourself that this is how things are right now— this minute, today. It's not how it has to be tomorrow or next month. Build up practicing acceptance and bit by bit you'll allow yourself to be a happier person.

How are you going to practice acceptance today? Share below in the comments.

Image courtesy of Alex France

15 Ways to Completely Waste Your Time

 

What is life, but the very moment of time you're in right now?

Life is right now. This moment. This second.

Therefore, when you waste time, you're wasting your life.

If you're expecting the typical list, of time-wasters  like spending too much time on Facebook or Twitter or watching too many reruns of SVU, well... this isn't that kind of list.

While those things can indeed be wastes of time, they aren't always. Sometimes, it's good to relax and watch a show you really enjoy. Or get the lastest Facebook updates.

But there are some time wasters that are rarely conditional, and are pretty much always going to waste your time.

The thing is, they are sometimes much harder to spot. We know Twitter can be a waste of time. We know that Pinterest can suck up hours of our lives in one sitting.

But this list I've prepared for you? It's full of things you often don't even realize you're doing. And many of us have wasted years participating in these activities.

So today, I'm giving you a little reminder to be mindful of your time and help you take back your life.

Behold, 15 Ways to Completely Waste Your Time

1. Care what other people think

2. Worry about what may or may not happen tomorrow

3. Hold on to regrets

4. Quit too soon

5. Withhold forgiveness

6. Be something other than you

7. Self-medicate your stress with drugs and alchol

8. Live in denial

9. Give less than your best

10. Let others make your decisions for you

11. Give in to irrational fears

12. Place blame

13. Not use your voice (verbal or otherwise)

14. Blindly follow the crowd

15. React in a spiteful manner

Let's get a list going! What time-wasting activities would you add to the list?

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Image courtesy of Grzegorz Łobiński

What You May Not Know About Anger

 

Do you know why you get angry?

Well, of course there is the simple answer: something happened that you didn't like. But the truth is that the answer goes much deeper than this, and it may surprise you.

The reality is that your anger probably has little to do with what you think it does. 

Let's say you work third shift, so you're sleeping while everyone else is just starting their day. But your retiree neighbor has a habit of mowing their lawn -mere feet from your bedroom window - every Saturday morning at 8am. You end up losing sleep because the sound of the mower keeps you awake.

Maybe the maintenance team for your apartment is the kind of inept that makes the Three Stooges look like a welcome replacement. You just can't seem to get any of the problems you've reported fixed.

Or maybe you spent a month planning a friends baby shower, only to find out  that she called some of your ideas "cheap" behind your back.

At first glance, you can see why you'd be angry in each scenario— losing sleep,  not getting your apartment fixed, and name calling. But each of these can be distilled down to one central reason: loss of control.

You're angry because you can't control the situation.

Let that sink in for a minute, because for many of us, it's not an obvious conclusion. We often don't give our emotions enough thought, enough consideration. Especially the negative ones. We just want them to go away.

But, instead of blasting those around you with your anger (or bottling it up and letting it consume you), take a minute to figure out why you're really angry.

Lets take a closer look at the third scenario above, where your efforts at throwing a  baby shower were rewarded with a negative comment from your friend. I want to look at a few reasons this might make you angry.

Reason 1

What you tell yourself: You feel it's rude of her to insult your hard work, especially behind your back.

What you suspect: You dislike being wrong and for others to think negatively of you.

Real Reason: You were unable to make her like your ideas, nor make her trust you enough to tell you herself. You wanted your efforts rewarded and you didn't get what you wanted. You couldn't control what she did and didn't like.

or

Real Reason: The word "cheap" brings back memories of childhood bullies who always insulted your hand-me-down clothes. Which is what you're really angry at. You're angry you didn't have new clothes. Angry you didn't stand up to the bullies. You're angry at your parents. And on and on. Again, this is all about loss of control.

Remember, an important aspect of the un-copied journey is ceasing to care what others think of you. Tweet this.

In each of the original scenarios above, if you really give each emotion the time and attention it needs, you can discover the real source of your anger. Yes, on the surface, the specific problem may be what sets off your anger... but to know the true source of it, you must dig deeper.

Many times, you'll be surprised where your emotions will take you. Something that may seem unrelated may end up having more importance than you could have imagined.

So how do you figure it out?

The steps below are suggestions, and don't necessarily need to be completed in order, save for the first one. Depending on how angry you are, some steps may even be skipped. The idea is to familiarize yourself with them, so that you can recall the most pertinent ones for your situation.

1. Take a moment

Walk away, if possible. If you're driving, pull over. If you're about to make a phone call, put the phone down. Just take a few moments to breathe and think. Once anger takes over, it's hard to stop. This is what you want to avoid.

2. Recognize your emotions

Accept that you're angry. You're not trying to smother your emotions; you're trying to find their source. So, don't clog up the process by throwing in unneeded emotions like guilt or shame at getting angry in the first place.

3. Realize your limits

Anger is about control (so are impatience, frustration, and irritation, to name a few). So the key here is realizing you can't control everything. In fact, the only thing you can control is yourself. That's it.

You can affect the rest of the world, but you can't control it. Tweet this.

4. Look inside

It may seem obvious, but to objectively assess your anger, you must be in an objective frame of mind. So, once you're removed from the source of your anger, and have had enough time to calm down and return your blood pressure to a relatively normal level, you can begin digging around in your mind.

What is your initial reaction? What story do you usually tell yourself in these moments?

Now think a bit more. Is there something about the situation that bugs you? Usually, we have a nice story we tell ourselves, but also a story that hovers off to the side. We know it's there, but we do our best to ignore it, because it's usually about a part of us we aren't too fond it. Listen to your inner voice, it's usually right.

5. Look deeper

Keep digging until you reach the bottom. Some issues will go deeper than others. If you feel any kind of nagging emotions, keep digging. You'll know when you find the true source of your anger, because it will most likely be one of those "lightbulb" moments, where everything suddenly makes sense.

Don't worry if you don't get it right away. You don't have to do all this "digging" in one sitting. Just get into the practice of looking deeper. One way that has helped me enormously is journaling. I find that writing down what I'm thinking, while I'm thinking it has been invaluable.

Take a look at the last time you felt angry. Is the source of the anger different than you first thought? 

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Photo courtesy of Mindaugas Danys.

 

What is Growing in Your Garden?

Is your self-worth tied to the opinions of others?

Now, before you instinctively throw a "no" at me, answer me this:

• Do compliments make you feel like you made the right decision?


• Do criticisms immediately make you doubt yourself?


• Have you felt unmotivated at work because you haven't received praise like a co-worker has?


• Do you feel unloved because you haven't heard from your friends lately?

If you answered "yes" to any of those questions, then your self-worth is linked, to some degree, to the opinions and actions of someone else.

You aren't alone either.

Most of my life was spent waiting for appraisal and approval from those around me. Childhood bullying coupled with a very shy personality, created a very deflated sense of self-worth. I reasoned that if people were being mean to me, then I must have not been worthy of kindness.

Of course, it took becoming an adult, and learning how to look outside myself,  to see that childhood bullying has much less to do with "worthiness" as it is an outlet for the bully's own pain.

The truth is:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt

It doesn't excuse anyone's behavior, but it really is up to you how someone makes you feel.

It's up to you to accept an opinion of you as truth. Tweet this.

I can't tell you how many years I spent seeking approval and acceptance from everyone except the one person who mattered— myself.

And this just isn't the way to live.


We can't live waiting for someone to make us feel special/loved/worthy. We already are these things, we just haven't noticed because we're so busy waiting!

"Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
"— Veronica A. Shoffstall

So, go on! Get outside and dig up those weeds. Prune the dead leaves and broken stems. Feel the possibilities.

And plant your own flowers.

Because those store bought ones? They're living on borrowed time.

 

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Image courtesy of Stephen Jones

Take Control of Your Habits (Beginner's Guide to Mindfulness Pt 4)

This is the final part of the Beginner’s Guide to Mindfulness, a four-part series in which I discuss the benefits of practicing mindfulness and provide you simple techniques for incorporating the practice into your daily life. If you missed it, you can catch up by reading  Part 1 , Part 2 and Part 3.

Habits are huge. They are a part of almost every aspect of our lives, often going unnoticed until something happens that makes us take notice of them.

When we aren't being mindful, habits take over, and we are essentially running on auto-pilot. But by being mindful, by paying attention to each moment, we can reclaim the Captain's Seat.

Habits aren't bad, but they can be bad for you.

Habits can seem like a contradiction to mindfulness as habits are, by definition, something that you do so often that they are almost involuntary. But a habit can also be simply an behavior that is done regularly, such as brushing your teeth.

Why is this distinction important?

Because the first definition involves no thought, no purpose. That kind of habit is simply a reflex.  But an active mindfulness practice can take an involuntary habit, and turn it into a much healthier mindful habit. This means that you still brush your teeth like you always do, but instead of absently brushing, you're focusing on the strokes, noticing the minty tingle in your mouth, feeling your teeth getting clean, and knowing that you are keeping your body healthy.

Create New Habits

Just as mindfulness can enhance current habits, it can also be used be used to create new habits in place of old, unhealthy habits.

1. Pick just one

Pick one habit that you want to create or modify. Don't attempt to change 5 habits at once. It will be too overwhelming. Keep in mind that it doesn't matter what habit you pick. It could be to continue your mindfulness practice (which I recommend!) or it could be to floss every day, or take your lunch to work, or drink 8 glasses of water. Mindfulness can be used in any area of your life.

2.Start with the basics

Set a goal for your new habit. Then follow the simple steps that you learned in part two of this guide to begin enforcing that habit in a mindful way.

3. Track

It is vital to pay attention and track your progress. So many times I've tried to make drinking 8 glasses of water each day a habit. Each time, I get going, I'm doing really well at getting them all in. And then I get comfortable. I start to trust my intuition and stop tracking. And before I know it, I'm back to square one. It has been said that it takes 21 days to create a habit. I'm no scientist or psychologist, but I'd like to amend that statement a little. I think it depends on the habit. If this new habit was created to break an old one, it can take longer. It really depends on how much you want this new habit in your life.

4. A little help

They say it takes a village to raise a child... well I say it takes a village to change a behavior. So many of our behaviors are tied to the people in our lives - be it social drinking or smoking, eating out, or even negative self-talk.

If you're trying to cut the habit of eating out for lunch, let your co-workers know so that you can pick a place that isn't going to compromise your goal. The company we keep says a lot about us. Make sure yours says something good.

5. Tools

In the beginning it can be very hard to remember your habit (because it isn't a habit yet!). Practicing mindfulness will help a lot, but it's okay to get a little help when you're just starting out. Below, I've listed some free tools that you can use on your computer or your smartphone (or ipad) to help you track and remember your habit.

Note: None of these are affiliate links. I will not gain anything if you click the links. I'm simply sharing a few tools that might help you.

1.  21Habit: This is the program I'm currently using, and I love it. With 21habit, you pick a habit that you want to create. Then you give them $21, one dollar for each of the 21 days it takes to create a habit. Each day you are successful with your habit, you get a dollar returned to you. Each day you fail at your habit, one dollar is donated to charity. They have a free version as well.


2. Success Log: A free app that lets you track anything you want. Allows you to analyze your data so you know exactly where you stand.


3. Joe's Goals: A very simple free website for tracking your habits/goals. Just click to add or remove check marks. Allows for multiple goal tracking, and the ability to track negative actions as well.

What habits are you working on now, or which will you begin? Have you ever used a tool to help you track a goal or a habit?

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De-stress a Stressful Situation (Beginner’s Guide to Mindfulness Pt 3)

This is part three of the Beginner’s Guide to Mindfulness. This is  a four-part series in which I discuss the benefits of practicing mindfulness and I provide you simple techniques for incorporating the practice into your daily life. If you missed it, you catch up by reading  Part 1 and Part 2.

When an unexpected situation comes up, it's easy to get caught up in your emotions. Before you know it, the situation has spiraled out of control— you're angry or hurt and everyone else involved is wishing they were anywhere else but there. Like stuck in a bear trap. Or visiting their in-laws.

But it really can be easier than that. It is possible to take stress in stride and not let it get the best of you.  Here's how to tackle three common sources of stress that most, if not all of us, have faced at some time or another.

1. When you don't like what you see

Do you like looking in the mirror? Or like many others does the thought of looking lovingly at your reflection spark a level of loathing usually reserved for your mortal enemies?

Maybe you're somewhere in the middle of these extremes, but the truth is that many people take no pleasure from looking in the mirror or at photos taken of them. And when they do happen to look in the mirror, all they seem to focus on is what is too ugly, or too fat, or too whatever.

I've been there. I remember when looking in the mirror meant tears - of shame, defeat, and despair. It meant imagining the horrible things that other people were surely saying about me. Thankfully, I was able to accept, not only my body, but that worrying about what others think is a waste of time.

But how do you get past it? 

Common advice for improving self-image is to compliment yourself every time you see your reflection. But for some, this can actually be counter-effective. If the aversion to your physical appearance is so strongly ingrained in your beliefs, then complimenting yourself often can feel like such a bald-faced lie that the logical side of you will completely reject the idea. This of course, leads to you giving up altogether.

Practicing mindfulness in this situation can provide the middle ground that is needed to overcome that feeling of lying to yourself, because instead of telling yourself how great you are, or how horrible you are, you are simply saying, "Yes, I see you. I will not judge what I see."

Say to your reflection: "Yes, I see you. I will not judge what I see." Click to tweet this quote.

And once you're comfortable with accepting what you see, you can progress toward more positive thoughts.

2. When you're in a hurry

You have 15 minutes left on your lunch hour. All you want to do is pay for the 3 tiny little items you need for dinner tonight. And the grocery store has one checkout open (out of twenty) and the line is snaking down aisle 3 into the deli department.

Oh. Hell. No.

I’ll admit it, I'm not the most patient person in the world. Or anywhere close. But I have learned a few ways to deal with impatience when it comes up and not to let it take control of me.

Anticipate delays. This is oh so important. Many times it isn't the delay that bothers us so much, but the fact that it took us by surprise. We like to be in control and when something happens that we can't control, it throws us for a loop. When I'm expecting to wait, it doesn't bother me nearly as much as when it's sprung on me.

• Find out when the busy times are at your grocery store (just ask an employee) and avoid those times as much as possible. If you can't, be prepared to wait in line.


• If rush hour traffic makes your blood pressure surge, try finding a different route. Radio stations often share road blockages (including from car accidents) and The Weather Channel will give you a rush hour traffic report for your zip code.


• If you always find yourself a few minutes late to work because your kids just don't understand the urgency, try waking up just 5 minutes earlier. Make sure everyone's clothes and backpacks are ready the night before. You can even prepare for breakfast by putting out the bowls, spoons, and cereal (or any non-perishables) the night before as well.

Of course, you can't always prepare for a delay. When the world seems hellbent to keep you from your destination, it helps to have a plan of action, which I'll get to in a moment. First, I want to discuss the third situation— anger. Because impatience has a way of turning quickly to anger, the mindful solutions for both of them are very similar.

 

3. When you're angry

I used to say that my temper was like a sports car: It could go 0 - 60 in 3.5. It was easy to flare up and difficult to tame. But with some time and patience with myself, I am now able to keep calm under many circumstances that used to rev me up. Of course, I do still get angry. I mention this because it's important for you to realize that we can't control every emotion, nor would we want to (we are humans with feelings after all), but we can learn to moderate the emotions that aren't doing anything to help us or those around us.

Now, on to the good stuff!

Mindful Thought

 

• Begin with mindful breathing. Focus only on the breath. If you're finding it difficult to concentrate, try saying "In" on the inhale and "Out" on the exhale. Do this until you're calm or the delay has passed. Do not proceed to the next step until you are calm.


• Consider other points of view. The cashier is probably even more stressed than you— it isn't her fault that she's the only one at a register. Yelling at her, or making comments to others in line isn't going to make her work faster. Or maybe the problem is that a car accident is blocking traffic. Instead of thinking only of your plight, have compassion and consider what the person in the accident is going through.


• Ask yourself, "Is this getting me anywhere?" Regardless of how legitimate your impatience or anger is, you have to question what it's doing for you. Is it getting you to your destination faster? If the answer is no, and I'd wager that it is, then relax. Go back to your breathing if necessary.


• Get it out. Many of us hold in anger for a long time. It's unhealthy and despite what we tell ourselves, the only person it hurts is us. Try talking calmly to the person that has upset you. This is the best way to clear out the negative emotions. If you aren't ready for that step, or if the source of your anger isn't a person, there are other steps you can take, like writing out your frustrations. Writing a "letter" to the source of your anger (you don't actually send it) or keeping a journal gives you a way to expell those negative emotions in a healthy way. Write down all the emotions you're feeling and why you feel them. Pay attention to how your body reacts as well. Do you notice a change in your pulse or muscle tension? Note anything that crosses your mind.

"The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest." —Unknown

What methods to you use to keep calm in stressful situations? Please share in the comments below.

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Easy Mindfulness Techniques (Beginner's Guide to Mindfulness Pt 2)

This is part two of the Beginner’s Guide to Mindfulness. This is  a four-part series in which I discuss the benefits of practicing mindfulness and I provide you simple techniques for incorporating the practice into your daily life. You can read part one here.

Last week week I talked about mindfulness and it's benefits. This week I'll go into mindfulness a bit more and share some simple techniques that will help you easily incorporate the practice into your daily life.

Step 1: Pick a time

If you completed last week's homework, then you're already done with step one. If you skipped the homework, or you missed it, your task was to pick a specific time that you will set aside to practice. If you haven't done this yet, go ahead and do it now, I'll wait.

Did you do it?

Your time should be time specific and should be the same each day. Remember, even just 5 or 10 minutes a day is enough to start out with. You want to start out simple because you don't want to become overwhelmed.

 

Step 2: Practice

There are many, many ways to practice mindfulness. This list is meant to serve as a sampling of basic techniques, and is by no means an all inclusive list. Remember: start small and work your way up.

60 Seconds of Breathing

This can be considered the "bare bones" of mindfulness as practically all forms of mindfulness are extensions of the breathing practice.

Find a place you can be still, with zero distractions. Turn off the the TV. Close the laptop. Put your phone on silent (It's ok, it's only 60 seconds!). It doesn't matter if you're sitting or lying in bed. Go ahead and get comfy.

Now focus on your breathing. Don't try to change it, just notice it. Is it fast or shallow? Is it deep or slow? Are your breaths even, or do they change from breath to breath? Is is coming from your chest or your belly? Does the air feel cool or warm? Are you breathing differently at the end than you were at the beginning?

If you'd like, you can set a timer to alert you when the minute is up. Keep in mind that this is deceptively simple - It's easy to do, yet difficult to master. Your mind is likely to stray after even 5 or 10 seconds. When that happens, just notice the thought, but don't focus on it, and direct your thoughts back to your breathing. Continue to redirect your thoughts back to the breath each time, remembering not to judge. It is normal for your mind to stray several, or many times during this exercise, even though it only lasts 60 seconds. With continued practice, you're mind will have an easier time focusing and will stray less often.

Eating

Considering that two-thirds of the American population is overweight, mindful eating can become a super-tool to add to your mindfulness toolbox.

How many times have you ate well past being full? How many times have you ate when you weren't even hungry? How many times have you eaten so quickly that you barely remember what the food even tasted like?

Mindful eating helps you to slow down, pay attention, and savor each moment and each bite.

Note: If you cook the food yourself, you can begin these steps while you're preparing and cooking the food).

Before you take your first bite, look at your food. What does it smell like? What colors and textures do you see?

Notice how your body reacts. Do you feel extra saliva in your mouth? Are you feeling excited or anticipation to taste the food?

Take a bite. How does it feel in your mouth? Is it chewy or soft? Salty or sweet?

Ask and notice. Repeat for each bite. If your mind wanders, bring it back to the food.

How hungry are you? Stop just before you are full.

I must admit that I used to think that this was overkill. I thought, "Seriously? Every bite?" So, I only half-way did it. I can't tell you how many times I went back for seconds because I inhaled my food so quickly, I hardly even tasted it. And because I ate it so fast, I wasn't satisfied - which, of course, left me wanting more.

When I slow down and savor each bite, I find that not only do I eat less, I feel much more satisfied with the meal overall.

Awareness

This is a fun one!

In this technique, we'll be picking a place to sit, and simply become aware of our surroundings. While the previous two techniques are very narrow-focused, this technique gives your mental focus a little more freedom and wiggle-room.

For beginner's, pick a location that is slower, with a little less hustle and bustle. A quiet park, or a restaurant during non-busy hours would be great. If you live in the city, or a suburb you could also sit on your porch. The goal is to pick somewhere that has activity, but is separate from you. Pick a place where you can easily observe what is going on, but not have to be a part of what is going on.

If you already practice mindfulness, feel free to pick a place that has more activity, like a Starbucks, or just use the places listed above, but move closer to the action.

Begin with mindful breathing. Notice your breath. When you have random thoughts, bring them back to the breath.

Now close your eyes. What do you hear? Are the sounds nearby or faraway? What do you feel? How hot or cold is it? Is there a breeze? What do you smell?

Use your senses of touch, hearing, and smell to paint a picture in your head. Don't judge what your senses tell you, though. Just notice.

Open your eyes. Now use your sight to notice the rest. What do you see? Are there kids playing? People rushing by?

Do this for as long as you like, but aim for at least 5 minutes.

Step 3: Repeat

To get the most out of mindfulness practice, you actually have to practice it! Pick a schedule and stick to it. It'll be second nature before you know it!

Next week, part three of the guide will show you how to use mindfulness to help with negative emotions and situations, like impatience and worry. Look for the post next Tuesday!

What techniques are you most excited to try? In what area of your life do you think mindfulness will be most helpful?

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How to Fight Fear and Win

[caption id="attachment_170" align="aligncenter" width="300"] This isn't me, but it's cute![/caption]

Speak Up

About 2 weeks ago, my fiance and I were on our way back from visiting my dad. He was driving, and I was looking through the CD album we keep in our car (And yes, to all of you downloader's out there, disks do still exist!) and I pulled out a CD by one of my favorite artists, Sara Bareilles.

I looked at the pictures in the CD insert (which I do from time to time), noticing, with a pang of jealousy, the tiny and cute nose stud in Ms. Bareilles' nose.

For years, I had wanted one, but never got one.

I had my reasons:

• I'm too old (I'm 28, but felt that piercings are more for teens and early 20 somethings )


• What if people hate it? (My ex said they were ugly)


• My job (not allowed at work)


• What if I hate it? (that would suck)

But that day, I happened to show the picture to my fiance. I told him, "I want this."

His response?

"Ok, lets go."

And just like that, we dropped the kids off at his parents house and headed over to a popular tattooing/piercing shop.

A mere 30 minutes later, I walked out of that shop sporting a teeny little stud that almost looked like a piece of glitter.

I'll save you some time... Yes, it hurts. Yes, I'd do it again.

It was a spur-of-the-moment decision and I'm very happy I finally did it. 

But it got me thinking about those reasons that I hadn't already done it. Looking back at them, what do you notice? They are all coming from a place of fear.

And it's no bueno to give in to fear. 

I mean, really? Who cares how old I am? Who cares if someone else doesn't like what I do with my body? If I hate it, I can take it out!

The job was the only semi-legit reason on the list, but since I left my job, I can no longer use that as an excuse.

Locate the source.

And then crush it.

When I started thinking about my excuses fears, I began noticing a pattern.

I was worried about what other people would think of me.

I wasn't being true to myself. Not even close.

I know that we're all taught to "go with the flow" or "don't make waves" (or which ever water related analogy our parents chose), but this isn't- can't be- the way to live a happy life.

We have to stop thinking about what someone else thinks. 

Your source of fear may be the same as mine, or it could be completely different. But the truth, is that it doesn't matter what it is, it matters that you know what it is. Because then you can begin to fight back.

It's extremely difficult, if not impossible, to fight an unknown enemy.

Make a list.

Right now, get out some paper, or Word, or your phone, it doesn't matter.

Make a list of the reasons you aren't doing something that you really want to do. List them all. Don't leave anything out.

Now look at your list. How many reasons excuses come from a place of fear?

These are the ones you really need to pay attention to.

Give your list a reality check

I want you to go through the items on your list, and for each one, I want you to write down why it's a lie. And you know that's what it is - a big fat lie.

I'll even give you an example. Say you want to lose weight. Your list might look like this:

Excuse: I'm too old/heavy/slow to exercise.

Reality: No, you're not. There are many people older, heavier, and slower than you exercising right now.
Excuse: What if people laugh at me? What if people think I look dumb? What if people don't accept what I'm doing?

Reality: Forget about other people. You aren't a business, these people can't buy stock in you. They don't get a say! Only your opinion matters.

Excuse: I don't have time. I'm too busy.

Reality: You like to think you are, but you aren't. Working out and eating right, simply isn't a priority. We make time for the things that are important to us!

Excuse: What if I hate exercising? What if I hate this food? What if it bores me?

Reality: Then do/eat something else! Experiment. Learn. Getting something wrong means you're learning what doesn't work -- which is just as important as knowing what does work!

Believe in yourself

Fear limits, paralyzes, slows, detracts.

Jumping takes you places. Doing opens doors. Flying sets you free.

Don't want to walk? Then dance!

Your turn

What fears have you given in to in the past? What fear are you going to give up? Discuss in the comments below. 

 

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Photo by Michelle Schaffer

What is Mindfulness and Why Is It Important? (Beginner's Guide to Mindfulness Pt 1)

As I'm sure you noticed in the title, today's post is part one in the Beginner's Guide to Mindfulness. This will be a four-part series in which I discuss the benefits of practicing mindfulness and I provide you simple techniques for incorporating the practice into your daily life.

What is Mindfulness?

To put it simply, mindfulness is being aware. But in reality it's so much more than that.

Being mindful means:

Paying attention with intent - This means that you are aware for awareness' sake.  You choose to pay attention, to be alive, to be nowhere but the current moment. For each mindful moment, there is no past and no future - only now.

Being non-judgemental - This is acceptance. It simply means that you are aware of your thoughts and surroundings, but you decline to interpret what your senses are telling you.

Essentially, it is you saying,  "Yeah, I know you're there. So what?"

Asking questions - Questions are one of the most important aspects of mindfulness. This is where awareness really comes alive. It means the difference between knowing that you're eating a bowl of cereal for breakfast, and being aware of the crunch of it between your teeth, tasting the sweetness of it on your tongue, and so much more. To fully experience mindfulness, you ask yourself all of the who/what/where/etc questions for each of your senses. What does it smell like? Who is around me? What sounds do I hear?

Next week, I'll talk a lot more about each of these.

What's so Important about Mindfulness Anyway?

I feel that mindfulness is an essential part of any self-discovery journey, and lots of experts, like Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, feel that it's absolutely necessary. There are even adaptations of mindfulness for many of the worlds major religions, so for most of us, religion isn't a reason to not practice. But, regardless, it's a pretty awesome self-discovery tool, that if used on a daily basis, can awaken you to parts of yourself you never knew existed.

The benefits of mindfulness:

Greater awareness - With mindfulness, awareness is key. It's the step (and the benefit) that unlocks all of the rest. As you get comfortable with the practice, you'll become more aware of your surroundings and your feelings, which will allow you to make better on-the-fly decisions and to more thoroughly enjoy life.

Better understanding - Not only will you gain a better understanding of yourself and your specific triggers, but you'll also be better able to understand others and their reactions too. We tend to be much more accepting of negative events and behaviors when we know why they're happening in the first place. And of course, with understanding, comes the ability to change.

Lower stress levels - When you're not worrying about anything, you aren't stressed. Worry manifests itself in so many ways: fear, anger, resentment. And these negative emotions are just our way of not accepting something in our lives. Essentially, mindfulness leads to acceptance, and acceptance silences worry. It's a win-win if you ask me.

More enjoyment - When you aren't consumed with stress or thinking about what happened yesterday (or what will happen tomorrow), you can actually begin to slow down and enjoy life. All we have is this moment, right now. The now is where we live and every second you spend in the past or future, is a second of life you have wasted. The present is the only time that truly exists for us.

Look up the word present in a dictionary — you won't find the words "speculation" or "memory" in the definition, I promise you.

Deeper sense of peace - There is a definite feeling of peace that comes with a daily practice of mindfulness. When we can filter through the stress and negativity, we can find ourselves able to enjoy life in a much deeper way, enabling us to relax into the feeling of simply being alive.

Homework

This week's homework is easy, but it's super important, so don't skip it!

Pick a time to be mindful, and be specific. 

Examples:

• I'm going to be mindful for 5 minutes while I'm brushing my teeth each morning.


• I'm going to be mindful for 10 minutes while I wash the dinner dishes each day.


• I'm going to be mindful while I each lunch each day.


• I'm going to be mindful while I'm in the shower/bath tub.

Right now, pick a time that isn't full of distractions. We want to start off easy, so pick a time that you won't have people or things vying for your attention.

Share with us in the comments below. What time did you pick? And have you ever practiced mindfulness before?

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