How to Love When It's the Last Thing You Want to Do (Fight Back With Love Pt 2)

Last week, we talked about 10  Ways to Fight Back With Love when life is throwing punches at us. This week, I'm expanding on that post to show you how to accomplish these things, because, sometimes loving is the hardest thing to do.

You can click the link above to read the whole article, but I summed up the 10 Ways in the perfectly pinnable graphic below.



So how do you actually do these things?

Be Mindful

Stop.

Breathe.

Think.

Pay attention to your emotions and the feelings rushing through you. Force yourself to acknowledge any negative feelings. Recognize and name them - anger, frustration, annoyance, whatever. When you do this, when you call out those emotions, you have two choices: You can continue the behavior and give in to the feelings, possibly doing something you'll regret later. Or you can recognize the slippery slope you're on, decide you're better than that, and take back control of your life!

Don't Be Afraid

Whether it's fear of change or fear that you won't succeed, if you give in to it, you'll be right. If you believe you can't do it, you won't do it. It really is that simple. In order to succeed at anything, you must first try.

Think About the Other Person

It's so easy to get caught up in your own life, after all, it is the only life you know. But it is important to take a step back sometimes, and try to see things from the other persons point of view. If someone is being particularly hostile toward you, but you can't think of any reason they'd be angry at you, consider that, well, they might not be angry at you. Maybe they've had a supremely awful day, and you just happen to be the person around to receive all their emotional shrapnel.

Consider what might have happened to make them so upset. Maybe they are arguing with a loved one? Maybe someone has hurt them deeply and anger is the only response they know? Maybe all they need is a reminder that someone  cares about them?

You can always ask them what is bothering them (one way of showing you care), but if you aren't comfortable with that yet, simply imagine things that might make them act negatively. It doesn't really matter if it's true, because, often simply the possibility of it, is enough to trigger compassion toward them.

Give Up Needing to "Win"

You're right. They're wrong. Therefore, you need to "win" the argument, right?

Wrong.

How many times have you won an argument, but still came out of it feeling like you lost? This is because no ever really wins an argument. By getting your way, someone else loses, and is possibly hurt in the process. When we give in to anger, we're really giving ourselves to it. It leads the show, and it has only one objective: getting what it wants. It doesn't care what it has to do  to get it, and tt doesn't care who gets hurt in the process. But once the objective has been obtained, the anger steals away into the night, leaving you to clean up the mess.

Accept that losing an argument is better than losing (or hurting) someone you love. Stop what you're doing, and tell them you love them, and it's not worth the argument.

Decide That Love is What You Want to Do

I'm not sure who initially said it, and I've heard many versions of it, but always keep this in mind:

"Do not give up what you want most, for what you want now."— Unknown.

We're all very good at making plans and deciding we want something. We want something so badly, we set goals, we make a plan. And then we give up at the first hurdle.

If you care about something enough to work it into you life, then care about it enough when times are hard.

Love, even when it's hard.

What is one way you want to remind yourself to love?

 

10 Ways to Fight Back With Love

Note: The logo vote was incredibly fun! You can see the winning logo above, which won by a large majority! I want to send out a huge thanks to all of you who voted! Now, on with the show.

 

The majority of my life could be categorized into two ways: Offensive Mode and Defensive Mode.

As a kid, beginning in elementary school, I was completely in Defensive Mode. I was shy and bullied - not a great combination for building self-esteem. I always felt that I had to defend myself and my choices to everyone. It didn't help that I wanted to be different, for sure.

I recall one 3rd grade morning recess with clarity.

I had been minding my own business, sitting alone and building a sand castle in the dirt (not a sandbox). Two girls walk up to me (they were known as the mean girls) and glare at me. One says "Look how stupid she is, sitting in the dirt." The other says, "You like dirt so much? Here's some dirt." And they both proceed to kick dirt on me.

It only lasted a few minutes, and I wasn't physically harmed, but that moment was one of the first in a string of incidents that molded my defensive behavior. In the moment, I wasn't defensive. If anything, I was merely submissive. Letting them do what they wished, in the hope they would get bored and move on. It worked, but it left me always wanting to scream "I'm not stupid!" or whatever was the choice adjective of the day.

To this day, being called any version of "stupid", being wrong, or making mistakes still makes me cringe. I've come a long, long way from that day, but I will be the first to admit, it's hard to turn off certain reactions.

I retaliated by proving that I wasn't stupid. I focused on my school work, acing class after class, bemoaning anything lower than a A. I graduated 9th in my class.  This was my defensive period. This was my way of saying "You're wrong, damn it!"

But when high school rolled around, I finally realized that defense wasn't any good without a great offense. And thus began my "Fuck the world" phase.

I never fell toward drugs or alcohol as many teens do, but I did become angry. Or well, I alternated between anger and apathy. If it didn't anger me, or prove my point, I didn't care. I lost a couple friends this way, but I didn't care then— I was angry. Sometimes, it felt like I would go out of my way to make people not like me. Because I was different, damn it. I don't need you to like me.

So what does all this have to do with you?

Everything or nothing. I tell you this story because I know there are so, so many of us out there who have been bullied, picked on, and made to feel like we're wrong for wanting to be different. There are many who are overweight, born different, look different, talk different. There are many who have their differences inside, and so, so many who have their differences on the outside. We have ailments, and diseases, allergies,and preferences. And there are so many who like to point out those differences and make us feel bad for it.

I tell you this story, because many of us get caught up in Defense/Offense Mode and we forget that there is another option— Love.

1. Rather than trying to convince someone how awesome you are, love yourself.

2. Rather than being angry at others, love them. You don't know what they're going through.

3. Instead of hiding your differences, love them. Unique isn't wrong, it's beautiful.

4. When someone tries to degrade your worth, remind yourself how much you love yourself. Yours is the only opinion that matters.

5. When you're hurt or sad, rather than lashing out, love yourself. Your own love is the best love.

6. When you insult yourself, correct it by reminding yourself how much you love you.

7. When you feel the urge to gossip, ask yourself if love is involved. Spite, jealousy, and resentment are enemies of love.

8. When you want to scream at someone, tell them you love them instead.

9. When someone is screaming at you, tell them you still love them.

10. No matter what, always, always love yourself. If you can love yourself, nothing else matters.

 

How are you going to spread some love in the world today?

Image courtesy of: Marc Falardeau