5 Truths about Perfection

 



 

You can never be perfect

None of us are perfect— we have our flaws, regrets, and desires. We wish something on our body would look differently than it does. We wish we were smarter, faster, thinner, stronger, more loving. We see all these things we want to change and ridicule ourselves when we can't seem to make them happen. We can't be everything at once, all the time, and for everyone.

If you're a "perfectionist" this may initially sound like a bad thing, but it's not! Let it free you— to open your heart, to feel the embrace of acceptance, and to truly and finally love yourself and those you care for.

Success won't always happen on the first try.

Or the 100th try.

"Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement." (Often attributed to Jim Horning, but according to him the original source is Mulla Nasrudin.)

So you try something and it fails. You start a new diet and on day 2 you eat 5 slices of pizza. You start writing a book, but get stuck and can't decide where to go with it. It doesn't matter what you do, the odds are you're to make a mistake.

The only difference between those who succeed and those who don't is persistence.

There will be things you'll never be able to do.

On the other hand, we won't always be able to perfectly master every single thing we attempt to do. Success isn't synonymous with perfection. You can have success without perfection, and you can have perfection without success. All you need to do it give your best effort and what will happen... will happen.

You can't expect perfection from others

Remember that your ideals and standards are your own. You can't expect someone else to live to yours. Your idea of a perfect afternoon is someone else's exact idea of a perfect hell. Each of us have a personality and set of beliefs unique to us. In your city, in your country or on your street, there might be "socially accepted norms" of how people think and what they believe, but each person interprets these norms in their own way, with their own individual spin.

One surefire path to failure is expecting others to always agree with you, to always know what you're thinking, and to do what you want them to do.

Acceptance is the answer

We have to give up this idea of perfection. Yes, we can strive to do better and be better. Yes, we can see where change needs to be made and put our best effort into making it happen.

What we can't expect is for everything we try to always work. We can't expect to get it all right on the first try. And we can't expect everyone to come along for the ride with us.

By accepting your imperfections, you're giving yourself

permission to try, to experiment, to live.

How many things might you try if failing wasn't a concern? 

Image courtesy of Bruce Berrien

How to Love When It's the Last Thing You Want to Do (Fight Back With Love Pt 2)

Last week, we talked about 10  Ways to Fight Back With Love when life is throwing punches at us. This week, I'm expanding on that post to show you how to accomplish these things, because, sometimes loving is the hardest thing to do.

You can click the link above to read the whole article, but I summed up the 10 Ways in the perfectly pinnable graphic below.



So how do you actually do these things?

Be Mindful

Stop.

Breathe.

Think.

Pay attention to your emotions and the feelings rushing through you. Force yourself to acknowledge any negative feelings. Recognize and name them - anger, frustration, annoyance, whatever. When you do this, when you call out those emotions, you have two choices: You can continue the behavior and give in to the feelings, possibly doing something you'll regret later. Or you can recognize the slippery slope you're on, decide you're better than that, and take back control of your life!

Don't Be Afraid

Whether it's fear of change or fear that you won't succeed, if you give in to it, you'll be right. If you believe you can't do it, you won't do it. It really is that simple. In order to succeed at anything, you must first try.

Think About the Other Person

It's so easy to get caught up in your own life, after all, it is the only life you know. But it is important to take a step back sometimes, and try to see things from the other persons point of view. If someone is being particularly hostile toward you, but you can't think of any reason they'd be angry at you, consider that, well, they might not be angry at you. Maybe they've had a supremely awful day, and you just happen to be the person around to receive all their emotional shrapnel.

Consider what might have happened to make them so upset. Maybe they are arguing with a loved one? Maybe someone has hurt them deeply and anger is the only response they know? Maybe all they need is a reminder that someone  cares about them?

You can always ask them what is bothering them (one way of showing you care), but if you aren't comfortable with that yet, simply imagine things that might make them act negatively. It doesn't really matter if it's true, because, often simply the possibility of it, is enough to trigger compassion toward them.

Give Up Needing to "Win"

You're right. They're wrong. Therefore, you need to "win" the argument, right?

Wrong.

How many times have you won an argument, but still came out of it feeling like you lost? This is because no ever really wins an argument. By getting your way, someone else loses, and is possibly hurt in the process. When we give in to anger, we're really giving ourselves to it. It leads the show, and it has only one objective: getting what it wants. It doesn't care what it has to do  to get it, and tt doesn't care who gets hurt in the process. But once the objective has been obtained, the anger steals away into the night, leaving you to clean up the mess.

Accept that losing an argument is better than losing (or hurting) someone you love. Stop what you're doing, and tell them you love them, and it's not worth the argument.

Decide That Love is What You Want to Do

I'm not sure who initially said it, and I've heard many versions of it, but always keep this in mind:

"Do not give up what you want most, for what you want now."— Unknown.

We're all very good at making plans and deciding we want something. We want something so badly, we set goals, we make a plan. And then we give up at the first hurdle.

If you care about something enough to work it into you life, then care about it enough when times are hard.

Love, even when it's hard.

What is one way you want to remind yourself to love?

 

10 Ways to Fight Back With Love

Note: The logo vote was incredibly fun! You can see the winning logo above, which won by a large majority! I want to send out a huge thanks to all of you who voted! Now, on with the show.

 

The majority of my life could be categorized into two ways: Offensive Mode and Defensive Mode.

As a kid, beginning in elementary school, I was completely in Defensive Mode. I was shy and bullied - not a great combination for building self-esteem. I always felt that I had to defend myself and my choices to everyone. It didn't help that I wanted to be different, for sure.

I recall one 3rd grade morning recess with clarity.

I had been minding my own business, sitting alone and building a sand castle in the dirt (not a sandbox). Two girls walk up to me (they were known as the mean girls) and glare at me. One says "Look how stupid she is, sitting in the dirt." The other says, "You like dirt so much? Here's some dirt." And they both proceed to kick dirt on me.

It only lasted a few minutes, and I wasn't physically harmed, but that moment was one of the first in a string of incidents that molded my defensive behavior. In the moment, I wasn't defensive. If anything, I was merely submissive. Letting them do what they wished, in the hope they would get bored and move on. It worked, but it left me always wanting to scream "I'm not stupid!" or whatever was the choice adjective of the day.

To this day, being called any version of "stupid", being wrong, or making mistakes still makes me cringe. I've come a long, long way from that day, but I will be the first to admit, it's hard to turn off certain reactions.

I retaliated by proving that I wasn't stupid. I focused on my school work, acing class after class, bemoaning anything lower than a A. I graduated 9th in my class.  This was my defensive period. This was my way of saying "You're wrong, damn it!"

But when high school rolled around, I finally realized that defense wasn't any good without a great offense. And thus began my "Fuck the world" phase.

I never fell toward drugs or alcohol as many teens do, but I did become angry. Or well, I alternated between anger and apathy. If it didn't anger me, or prove my point, I didn't care. I lost a couple friends this way, but I didn't care then— I was angry. Sometimes, it felt like I would go out of my way to make people not like me. Because I was different, damn it. I don't need you to like me.

So what does all this have to do with you?

Everything or nothing. I tell you this story because I know there are so, so many of us out there who have been bullied, picked on, and made to feel like we're wrong for wanting to be different. There are many who are overweight, born different, look different, talk different. There are many who have their differences inside, and so, so many who have their differences on the outside. We have ailments, and diseases, allergies,and preferences. And there are so many who like to point out those differences and make us feel bad for it.

I tell you this story, because many of us get caught up in Defense/Offense Mode and we forget that there is another option— Love.

1. Rather than trying to convince someone how awesome you are, love yourself.

2. Rather than being angry at others, love them. You don't know what they're going through.

3. Instead of hiding your differences, love them. Unique isn't wrong, it's beautiful.

4. When someone tries to degrade your worth, remind yourself how much you love yourself. Yours is the only opinion that matters.

5. When you're hurt or sad, rather than lashing out, love yourself. Your own love is the best love.

6. When you insult yourself, correct it by reminding yourself how much you love you.

7. When you feel the urge to gossip, ask yourself if love is involved. Spite, jealousy, and resentment are enemies of love.

8. When you want to scream at someone, tell them you love them instead.

9. When someone is screaming at you, tell them you still love them.

10. No matter what, always, always love yourself. If you can love yourself, nothing else matters.

 

How are you going to spread some love in the world today?

Image courtesy of: Marc Falardeau

 

Your Road Map to Success (Plus A Sneak Peek At What's Coming Soon)

It's a new year, and whether you've made a resolution or not, I know you have some things you'd really like to accomplish this year. Maybe this is the year you're hoping to fit into those skinny jeans again or maybe you really want to find a new job. Maybe you'll be planning a wedding like I will be.

Or hey, maybe you just want to remember what your house looks like clean. (Been there!)

Whatever it is that you'll be working toward this year, there are a few common hangups that can turn your road to success into a road to nowhere.

Here's how to ensure you make it to your desired destination:

1. Check your luggage.

We all have attachments — to things we like, to things we don't like and attachments to ideas, thoughts, actions, and beliefs. But rather than carry them around like a badge of honor, check them. Like a coat at a fancy party. Or a piece of luggage too large to carry on. Rather than lugging a suitcase around all night, stow the bugger away and move on.

Take notice of things that give you pause or make you second-guess yourself:

• Words like can't, won't, too hard, too long, I don't know


• Wishing things were different


• Fear of the unknown


• "shoulds and have to's"


• Pleasing others


• Not wanting to do something for yourself

If you need them, you can always get them back, but enjoy some time without the weight of them weighing you down. You'll never guess where you might end up!

2. Know where you're coming from

In order to not get all tripped up this time, you need to know what tripped you up the last time. Banana peels, trip wires, booby traps... only you know what yours are.

Spend time getting to know them.

• What makes you give in to unhelpful desires?


• What makes you disregard or ignore goals you've set for yourself?


• What keeps you from getting back up when you fall down?


• What are things that come up repeatedly?

Success is knowing what  doesn't work as well as what does.

3. Know where you are at all times.

If you don't know where you're at, how do you know you aren't indeed lost? Or walking in a circle for the fifteenth time?

• Be aware of your emotions, resistances, and desires


• When you feel these things, try to figure out why you feel them


• Stop and correct course if needed


• Don't be afraid to change things up

Don't go overboard with it, but always have a general idea of where you're at in whatever it is that you're working on.

4. Have fun

What good is a journey if it isn't fun? Find a way to turn it into a game or challenge. Join up with someone who can make you laugh. It doesn't matter, just have fun with it!

If you can find a way to enjoy the not so great tasks in life, imagine what you can do with the already fun parts?

Now for the Sneak Peek!

Last week, I told you there would be several surprises to come in 2013, and I'm busy scribbling away at one of the first that will be released this year.

This first surprise is called 52 Little Ways and will come to you in the form of a book. I don't want to reveal too much just yet, but it's going to be a wonderful little inspirational tool that you can come back to over and over.

I will reveal more information about 52 Little Ways as the month presses on, but if you want to guarantee that you're in the loop, make sure you're subscribed by filling out that little form over there on the right (subscribers also get a free copy of Mindful You: Beginners Guide + Workbook).

Next week, I'll share with my subscribers how they can try to snag a free copy of 52 Little Ways for themselves. Please note, this will not be shared on the blog, so if you're interested, make sure you subscribe!

Until then, I hope you're new year is starting off great!

Image courtesy of Moyan Brenn

3 Signs You're Letting The Past Hold You Back

 

Are you chronically stuck in the past? Are you allowing your history to knock your present off track, much like a skipping record? That's the question I'm posing today.

First, I think it's important to note that while the things that happened to you in the past are distinct, individual moments in time, the idea of "the past" has no such distinction. It is impossible to completely compartmentalize the people and events from your past. Because, even if you no longer think of a specific moment in time, it is still there. You may never on call on the memory of it, but in some way it either a) taught you something, or b) reinforced something you already believed, effectively planting itself in your present, whether you know it or not.

In the words of Anthropology and Social Sciences Professor, Michel-Rolph Trouillot:

"But the past does not exist independently from the present. Indeed, the past is only past because there is a present, just as I can point to something over there only because I am here. But nothing is inherently over there or here. In that sense, the past has no content. The past -- or more accurately, pastness -- is a position. Thus, in no way can we identify the past as past." — Michel-Rolph Trouillot

This is all to say, there is no way to completely extinguish your past from your now, even if you're a completely different person than you used to be.

A former drug addict might beat the addiction and become a stand-up, honest, law-abiding citizen, which are seemingly on opposite ends of the spectrum. But his past, the desire to overcome, the desire to change, and the desire to be better, all would come together to allow him to be this new person. There might be millions of stand-up, honest, law-abiding citizens in the world, but none would exactly like him, because they didn't share his unique past.

However, there is a difference between the natural fusion of past and present, and allowing the past to dictate your life.

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?" —Mary Manin Morrissey

But how do you know if your past is overtaking your present?

3 Signs You're Letting The Past Hold You Back

1. You cling to nostalgia

Do you find that much of your free thoughts are spent thinking about good old days? No matter how old we are, we all have periods of time in our lives that we feel were pretty great or special. The problem is when we begin to wish we could go back or attempt to recreate that time in our current life.

I've tried this in my life, and I can tell you it doesn't work. People are constantly morphing into new people - we get older, our habits change, our friends change, our beliefs about ourselves and others change - and attempting to force people and situations into what they once were is a recipe for failure.

Try this instead: Think about what it is that is drawing your back to that particular time. Maybe you crave a particular kind of happiness or closeness. Maybe you had a lot of friends, but don't anymore, and you miss the busyness of going out with friends. Figure out what it truly is that you miss, and then find a way to get it in your current life.

For example, if you moved across the country, but you realize that you're always thinking about your old group of friends because you miss the companionship of always having someone to talk to, then you could find a way to meet people. Maybe try out a class or make a promise to say hi to three new people a day. You never know where a connection will be made.  And instead of making yourself miserable wishing you hadn't moved, you're out making new friends.

And keep in mind, that the problem with living in the past and trying to live someone else's life is that neither of these people are you. Tweet this.

 2. You are hurt by imagined wrongs.

Has a friend ever said something that you took as an insult, but was in no way meant to insult you? Maybe they commented on the size of your house and you immediately thought they were calling your house small. Maybe it pisses you off when your mother-in-law stops by and goes right to cleaning your kitchen, because you feel she's silently saying that you aren't doing your job of keeping the house clean.

As a kid, I was bullied and called stupid a lot (even though I was far from it). This transferred into my adult life via anger and embarrassment any time I got something wrong - that irrational feeling of being stupid would always show up.

Try this instead: Look at the situation objectively. Is this person really trying to insult you, or is something from your past trying to bubble up. If you can recognize that the latter is happening, you can stop it. Remind yourself that you are not what this emotion is telling you. Try to think why this person is saying what they're saying. Maybe your mother-in-law isn't making a statement about your cleanliness - maybe she noticed that you have a toddler clinging to your hip while cooking dinner and thought she'd help out and take one task off your to-do list.

I should note that sometimes things are indeed meant as insults. But remember, you control whether or not the insults hit their mark. Your reaction determines whether the person is shooting bullets or shooting blanks.

3. You continue the same thought and action patterns despite knowing they aren't working for you.

The past is familiar. And we tend to like what is familiar. Only sometimes, familiar is what gets us into predicaments.

Take weight loss, for instance. Have you ever tried to lose weight, but get caught up in resentment, toward those to seemingly get to eat whatever they want or toward your younger body that never used to gain weight. We begin to get frustrated when we aren't losing fast enough, and then give up. We do this again and again, ad infinitum, and come to the conclusion that it can't be done.  Except our conclusion is based on faulty logic, incomplete data, and half-hearted attempts.

Try this instead: Instead of basing decisions on past occurrences, take note of the facts (not opinions) about the current situation. Instead of relying on what you think you know, take the time to really look objectively at the situation. Using the example from above, instead of assuming you just can't lose weight, look at the steps that got you there. Did you really eat as well as you thought? Or did you happen to "forget" the nights of snacking in front of the tv?  Keep analyzing everything until you get down to the root of the problem. It's not that you couldn't lose weight, it's that you couldn't lose weight doing what you were doing.

So, borrowing from the Morrissey qoute above, What is it you would let go of today? What is holding you back that you would let go of today? 

Image Source Credit  Image quote by Dennis Waitley

 

How to Maintain Your Identity in a "One Size Fits All World"

Just be yourself.

You've probably heard that line pretty often. I know I have, at least. As kids, our parents and teachers encouraged us to be ourselves and to not follow the crowd just for the sake of fitting in (hopefully!). I can't tell you how many times my mother said to me, "If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?"

Despite the fact that the question was usually prompted by my request for some new "cool" gadget or toy, the message was clear— Don't do something just because someone else is. And as annoying as that line was to hear as a child, I fully believe in it now. I've even used it on my two young step-kids a time or two, much to their annoyance.

Be yourself.

We all know this, but yet we still feel that pressure to conform. We see messages every day urging us to "be this" or "have this (you'll be cool)". The media is a prime, and obvious, culprit. Advertising is a lucrative business because it works. They know what you want (not what you say you want) and they know how to manipulate emotions. Prime example: The tobacco industry used media and marketing to make way too many people disregard what cigarettes do to our bodies all in the name of looking "cool". They know we want to be healthy, but they also know that the drive to fit in is overpowering.

But sadly, marketing and media isn't the only source that pressures us to conform. 

We get pressure from our friends, families, jobs, everywhere. Even when we don't realize it, we're receiving messages to do something, or be a certain way.

Families pressure teens to go to a good college. They pressure young couples to get married, and then they pressure them to have children. Bosses pressure employees to overwork themselves (and many times get very little in return for it, despite the unsaid, but often implied "rise to the top").

We're pressured to raise our kids a certain way, look a certain way, live a certain way, and by all means, we should never do anything that makes us different.

It all boils down to fear. 

Fear of being laughed at. Fear of not being liked. And we're pressured to conform by those who did, because they too are afraid. They are afraid of admitting that they fell for the lie— afraid of being laughed at, of not being liked. Afraid of being wrong.

Are you seeing the pattern here?

What we have to do is move past the fear. Embrace our imperfect selves. Believe in what we can do when society's boundaries are removed.

What to expect in the future from Un-Copied Life:

• Simple ways to express yourself


• Tips on how to discover the hidden you


• Guidance in creating your own identity


• And much more

Think about how you've been pressured to conform in the past. Tell us about it in the comments.

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Photo by GollyGforce