Why It's Good To Question Your Beliefs

Where do your beliefs - your deeply held opinions regarding life and everything and everyone around you - come from?

Do you even know? Have you ever thought about it?

Today, I want you to question these beliefs. I want you to ask why.

Why do I have this belief?

Now, before we get started, I want to clarify that I am not referring to religious or spiritual beliefs (although I do feel that they should never be taken lightly or blindly). Instead, I want to focus on other beliefs that are woven into your life, often without you even realizing it.

Have you ever thought:

• I have to ______ before I die.


• I should do something because it's what I'm supposed to do.


• I shouldn't do something because I'm not supposed to do it.


• My friends/family should always ______.


• A real job looks like ______.


• A real marriage is ______.


• And on and on...

These statements, and thousands of others like them, are beliefs you have about your life. Beliefs are the individual threads woven into the fabric of your life (Hmm... I suddenly feel like I stepped out of a Cotton commercial). They help to define who we are, who we interact with, and how we interact with them.

Beliefs Are Good Until They're Not

Beliefs can be very good for us, after all they help us know how to define major areas in our lives. But sometimes these beliefs, which we often rely on to maintain our happiness, can get us into some real emotional hot water. Sometimes, the people in our lives just can't live up to our beliefs. Sometimes, we can't live up to our own beliefs. Sometimes, there's this big, messy, grey area where there isn't a clear cut answer.

Or maybe we make the worst mistake and assume that everyone else shares our beliefs, thereby expecting certain things from them that they don't know they're supposed to do.

A turnip is a turnip, no matter how much you wish it were a carrot. Tweet this.

So why (and when) should you question your beliefs?

1. When they're making you unhappy

If your belief is causing you unhappiness, then it's time to take a deeper look. It's time to start asking why. Is it the belief itself causing your unhappiness?  Or maybe it's the consequences of the belief? It could be that you don't really hold the belief, despite telling yourself that you do.

2. Because they're old beliefs you've carried with you for years. 

Is it something that's been hammered into you your whole life? Have you been told "this is how it is" so many times that you actually believe it too? You need to really take the time to look into it and make sure you haven't outgrown it.

3.When you haven't objectively considered them.

Have you honestly looked at your beliefs, seriously and objectively, and kept them around because you truly do believe in them. Or do you hold your beliefs because they are the culturally acceptable norm? Forget everyone else - you must concentrate on what's right for you.

4.When they actually belong to someone else.

Humans are very adaptable creatures. And it doesn't stop at climate and diet. We adapt to what is considered "normal" around us as well (among many, many other things). We see what other people consider normal. And out of our desires to fit in, we learn to adopt other peoples standards and beliefs as our own. As I said earlier, sometimes this can be good, but we absolutely must decide of they fit in with our other beliefs. If they don't, the dissonance they cause can be very problematic at best.

Just remember, beliefs aren't laws. They can change as often as you need them to in order to be happy. Question, question, question. If it's not working, find a way to make it work, or toss that sucker. Life's too short to be unhappy!

Have you ever had a belief wreck havoc in your life? What did you do to restore the balance? Share below in the comments.

Image courtesy of Fayez

Are The People In Your Life Ruining Your Self-Esteem?

This is a hard question because it's one many people don't want to look at too closely.

We don't want to admit that a person we care about is bad for us. We don't want to admit that we chose to let the wrong person into our lives. We don't want to let go of something that probably was pretty good at one time or another.

Maybe we know someone toxic, spewing their poison everywhere they go. Or maybe they are a bit more subtle, leaving drops of negativity in sneaky places, making your believe they are your own.

Or it could be that they aren't intentionally hurting you. As busy as life is these days, we're often so preoccupied with our own life that  we're unaware of the feelings of those around us. It's normal. But how much is okay? How long should you hold on to someone who is too busy for you? That's an answer I'm still working on.

But I do know this:

Chances are that you have someone in your life right now that you probably should have let go a long time ago. Tweet this.

And as hard as it can be to deal with this person, as much stress as you feel when they are around you or when you think about them, they actually affect you much more than you might realize. This is where I introduce the concept of the generalized other and the term everybody committee.

The Generalized Other and Your Everybody Committee

When I learned about these concepts, I was flabbergasted. The ideas were so simple, but so true, that I couldn't fathom why it had never occurred to me before. And since learning of these concepts, I have drastically changed how I view the people around me.

So what are they?

The generalized other is a concept that was introduced by George Herbert Mead. It is basically our interpretation of how we think other people expect us to think and act in a situation.

A great example of the generalized other is the WWJD bracelet craze that popped up back in the 90's. If you don't know, "WWJD" stands for "What would Jesus do?" The bracelets were created to be a little reminder to think of how Jesus would want you to act in a situation. This is a classic generalized other.

If you ever ask yourself "What am I supposed to wear?" or "How am I supposed to act?" then you are calling on your knowledge of the generalized other.

Now, a generalized other isn't bad, in fact according to Mead, it's necessary, especially as a child, to learn and adapt to correct behavior and expectations.

But many times we take the generalized other too far, letting it control us too much.

So how do we control it and where do the majority of our notions of the generalized other come from?

This is where your everybody committee comes into play.

I had the pleasure of picking up the November 2012 issue of O Magazine a couple weeks ago and this is how I discovered the concept of everybody committees.

Everybody committee is a term coined by life coach, Martha Beck. And though I'm still learning about this term, I wanted to give you an overview of the idea behind it. You can find the original article on the O Magazine website  if you'd like to read it (which I highly recommend that you do!).

"Your generalized other is actually based on a mental magnification of just a few people, often the most judgmental people you know." — Martha Beck

Beck suggests an exercise where you complete sentences like "Everybody thinks I'm ____"  and then think of a real life person who has actually, word for word, said this to you. There are more examples of this exercise in the original article. I urge you to go read this part at the very least, I can wait.

These people are your everybody committee. Beck says "I believe most of us have very small committees—often just one individual, almost never more than six. Yet we subconsciously project their opinions onto the entire global population."

They are often the most negative or influential people in your life. So when you are feeling frustrated and upset, and you lash out saying something like "I'm tired of everybody _______!" you're saying "everybody" but you're most likely feeling pressure from only one or two people.

Did you get that? Because it's important.

We tend to take the opinion of one person, and put it on everyone. And this is where we get into trouble.

This is where we feel unloved by everyone because one person won't call us back. This is where we get angry at a whole group of people because of one persons stupidity.

But it's also why we might put up with pain longer than we should.

Going back to the negative people in your life - Are these people in your everybody committee? Have you caught yourself blaming "everyone" for something that only they have said or done? Has your self-esteem suffered because of this person?

If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then it's time to look at that relationship and decide if it's worth it to keep them in your life.

Remember:

We only get one life. We shouldn't waste it by defending our choices to everyone, when we should just say goodbye to one person. Tweet this.

I'm still deciding how to handle the people that I've realized are in my everybody committee. Of course, it isn't going to be easy and definitely not painless. But in the long run it will be worth it.

What about you? Did you learn anything new by completing the exercise Beck suggested? Please share you thoughts in the comments below.

Image courtesy of Jamiesrabbits

 

Why Acceptance Isn't Optional

Acceptance is one of the most important things you can do for your happiness.

But there's a lot of mystery and hype surrounding that word— Happiness. We're told "do this" or "buy that" and we'll be happy. So we do what we're told to do and buy what we're told to buy, all in the hope of gaining a bigger slice of the happiness pie.

But the truth is that we already have everything we need to be happy. Most of us just haven't realized it yet.

You know where this is going now, don't you?

That's right— Acceptance.

Many people believe that acceptance means defeat (it doesn't) or that it makes you a failure (nope) and they never give this fantastic tool a fair shot.

Why is acceptance so important anyway?

To answer that, we first have to look at where the need for it is coming from. If we know that acceptance is the solution, then non-acceptance is the problem.

Think about the most recent negative emotions you have felt. Maybe you felt anger or impatience? Irritation? Heartache? Fear?

Now, look a why you felt those emotions.

Perhaps a friend said something insulting and it made you angry. Or your husband forgot your anniversary and it made you feel hurt and invisible. Maybe you felt irritation and impatience pounding in your ears as you sat in rush hour traffic on your way home from work last night.

Though each one is different, they are all the same.

In each situation, you reacted negatively, because something didn't go the way you wanted it to.

I've said that before, but it's super important, so I'm going to say it again...

You feel negative emotions because something didn't go the way you wanted it to.

This is important.

We like being in control. And we don't like to admit that we can't control the majority of what happens to us. Sure, we have the power to choose, but we never know with certainty what result that choice will bring us. And so we like to pretend that we do have control, that we can choose exactly what happens to us.

The result? Something doesn't go according to plan and we feel anger (or some other negative emotion) at ourselves (for picking a bad plan) or whoever has done us wrong (for interrupting our perfect plan).

We must accept that we can not control everything.

Basic acceptance begins with admitting that we aren't perfect, nor can we ever be. We make mistakes and we learn from them. This is how we grow and learn. Perfection is an unrealistic and impossible goal.

I repeat: Perfection is an impossible goal. Tweet this.

Accept your emotions

Since we know we can't be perfect, it makes sense that learning something new, such as acceptance, will take time and that we'll make mistakes along the way, especially in the beginning. We'll still get angry, we'll still feel impatience. But rather than berating yourself, just accept it.

Say to yourself, "I'm angry/impatient/annoyed, and that's okay. I am okay." Instead of giving in to your emotions, learn from them. With practice, those negative emotional spikes won't be quite so pointy.

Accept the situation

A common misconception is that acceptance means giving up, not striving for progress or for something more. You can still set goals - say to lose your temper less or to lose 20 pounds, all while still practicing acceptance.

Let's take weight loss as an example.

You step on the scale, note your weight and decide that you really do need to lose those last 20 pounds. At this point you can be critical with yourself, groaning about not exercising enough and eating too many bad foods... OR

You can accept that what's done is done. Yes, you ate the foods. Yes, you didn't exercise as much as you should have. But talking negatively to yourself isn't going to magically transport you back in time and give you the chance to redo it all. And it certainly isn't going to make you feel confident that you'll be able to do it in the future.

In fact, all that negativity is going to make you more likely to fail in the future.

Instead, just remind yourself that this is how things are right now— this minute, today. It's not how it has to be tomorrow or next month. Build up practicing acceptance and bit by bit you'll allow yourself to be a happier person.

How are you going to practice acceptance today? Share below in the comments.

Image courtesy of Alex France

Today I Shall Love Myself

 

How many negative thoughts have you had about yourself today? 

Five? Ten? More?

Maybe your day looks something like this:

You wake up and grumble at the readout on the bathroom scale, blaming your inability to maintain any semblance of self-control when it comes to eating out. At work a friend compliments you on your weightloss/big sale/promotion, but instead of saying "Thank You", you shift the credit to "Black really is slimming"/"Ah, that guy was gonna bite anyway"/"Right place, right time". After work, you hit the gym, but instead of thinking about how much progress you've made, you watch everyone else and think how much stronger/slimmer/more flexible they are. You fall asleep thinking about what mistakes you made  and what might go wrong tomorrow.

Does that sound even a little bit like you?

Do you spend your time comparing yourself to others? Do you brush off compliments? Do you spend even a few minutes a day agonizing over your flaws, either real or imagined?

Let me just say...

Stop it!

You're worth so much more than that!

I can't remember who, but someone said that comparing yourself to someone else is like "Comparing your bloopers to someone else's highlight reel." (Know who said this? Let me know in the comments below.) This quote was originally about those who compare their life to what they see on their friends' Facebook pages, but it's really not limited to social networking sites. This is true in every part of our life.

It doesn't have to be this way.

It is possible to accept compliments and to truly believe them.

It is possible to accept your flaws as tiny pieces of a beautiful puzzle, because without them, you'd be left with holes in an unfinished piece of art.

It is possible to compare yourself only to yourself.

And it all starts with love.

Today, I want you to look in the mirror and say "I love you."

Today, I want you to feed yourself food that says to your body "I love you."

Today, I want you to hang out with people that make it easy for you love yourself.

And right now, I want you to repeat after me...

"Today, I shall love myself."

 

Photo by Jeff Kubina

15 Ways to Completely Waste Your Time

 

What is life, but the very moment of time you're in right now?

Life is right now. This moment. This second.

Therefore, when you waste time, you're wasting your life.

If you're expecting the typical list, of time-wasters  like spending too much time on Facebook or Twitter or watching too many reruns of SVU, well... this isn't that kind of list.

While those things can indeed be wastes of time, they aren't always. Sometimes, it's good to relax and watch a show you really enjoy. Or get the lastest Facebook updates.

But there are some time wasters that are rarely conditional, and are pretty much always going to waste your time.

The thing is, they are sometimes much harder to spot. We know Twitter can be a waste of time. We know that Pinterest can suck up hours of our lives in one sitting.

But this list I've prepared for you? It's full of things you often don't even realize you're doing. And many of us have wasted years participating in these activities.

So today, I'm giving you a little reminder to be mindful of your time and help you take back your life.

Behold, 15 Ways to Completely Waste Your Time

1. Care what other people think

2. Worry about what may or may not happen tomorrow

3. Hold on to regrets

4. Quit too soon

5. Withhold forgiveness

6. Be something other than you

7. Self-medicate your stress with drugs and alchol

8. Live in denial

9. Give less than your best

10. Let others make your decisions for you

11. Give in to irrational fears

12. Place blame

13. Not use your voice (verbal or otherwise)

14. Blindly follow the crowd

15. React in a spiteful manner

Let's get a list going! What time-wasting activities would you add to the list?

If you enjoyed this article, please consider sharing it to your favorite social network by clicking the buttons below.

Image courtesy of Grzegorz Łobiński

Get Out of Your Head: 10 Tips for Self-Expression

You know those times when you have to remember something, say, to tell your spouse to pick up something on the way home from work. You remind yourself a couple times to be sure you don't forget, because you absolutely need this thing. Today.

Except, they come home without said item claiming you never said anything. Only you're dead certain you told them. But 10 minutes later you realize that you actually hadn't said anything—  you simply thought about it so much, you convinced your brain that you had.

Sometimes our personalities are like that.

We get so caught up in our lives, our emotions, our opinions, our problems... that we assume everyone around us knows exactly how we feel. Except in reality we haven't actually said anything. All of these thoughts and feelings have happened only for us. No one else can see what's going on inside our minds.

So how do we get out of our heads and show off who we are?

Here are 10 tips for doing just that.

1. Be bold

Don't be scared or timid. Don't be afraid of showing yourself off.

2. Say what you're feeling

Be honest, be kind. Don't ignore or lie about how something makes you feel.

3. Be spontaneous

Don't stop to analyze every single thing. Life is happening right now. Live it.

4. Change your mind

Just make sure you tell someone!

5. Be loud

Been quiet lately? Make some noise.

6. Show emotion

Laugh, cry, get angry. Don't bottle it up.

7. Make eye contact

Very easy way to bring you into the moment and out of yourself.

8. Do something you've always wanted

Experiment. Live. Enjoy!

9. Ask questions

Learn about yourself while learning about others.

10. Accept imperfection

Perfection is impossible. Enjoy your imperfect self - you are as close to perfection as you'll ever be, in this moment.

 

Update: One lovely reader, Abhishek Shah from Appitive.com was kind enough to make this post into a wonderful Slideshow on Slideshare.net. I hope you enjoy it as must as I did!

[slideshare id=16670030&doc=getoutofyourhead-130221071623-phpapp02]

 

Which tip is your favorite? Have any you'd like to add to the list?

 

Photo courtesy of Beercha

Take Control of Your Habits (Beginner's Guide to Mindfulness Pt 4)

This is the final part of the Beginner’s Guide to Mindfulness, a four-part series in which I discuss the benefits of practicing mindfulness and provide you simple techniques for incorporating the practice into your daily life. If you missed it, you can catch up by reading  Part 1 , Part 2 and Part 3.

Habits are huge. They are a part of almost every aspect of our lives, often going unnoticed until something happens that makes us take notice of them.

When we aren't being mindful, habits take over, and we are essentially running on auto-pilot. But by being mindful, by paying attention to each moment, we can reclaim the Captain's Seat.

Habits aren't bad, but they can be bad for you.

Habits can seem like a contradiction to mindfulness as habits are, by definition, something that you do so often that they are almost involuntary. But a habit can also be simply an behavior that is done regularly, such as brushing your teeth.

Why is this distinction important?

Because the first definition involves no thought, no purpose. That kind of habit is simply a reflex.  But an active mindfulness practice can take an involuntary habit, and turn it into a much healthier mindful habit. This means that you still brush your teeth like you always do, but instead of absently brushing, you're focusing on the strokes, noticing the minty tingle in your mouth, feeling your teeth getting clean, and knowing that you are keeping your body healthy.

Create New Habits

Just as mindfulness can enhance current habits, it can also be used be used to create new habits in place of old, unhealthy habits.

1. Pick just one

Pick one habit that you want to create or modify. Don't attempt to change 5 habits at once. It will be too overwhelming. Keep in mind that it doesn't matter what habit you pick. It could be to continue your mindfulness practice (which I recommend!) or it could be to floss every day, or take your lunch to work, or drink 8 glasses of water. Mindfulness can be used in any area of your life.

2.Start with the basics

Set a goal for your new habit. Then follow the simple steps that you learned in part two of this guide to begin enforcing that habit in a mindful way.

3. Track

It is vital to pay attention and track your progress. So many times I've tried to make drinking 8 glasses of water each day a habit. Each time, I get going, I'm doing really well at getting them all in. And then I get comfortable. I start to trust my intuition and stop tracking. And before I know it, I'm back to square one. It has been said that it takes 21 days to create a habit. I'm no scientist or psychologist, but I'd like to amend that statement a little. I think it depends on the habit. If this new habit was created to break an old one, it can take longer. It really depends on how much you want this new habit in your life.

4. A little help

They say it takes a village to raise a child... well I say it takes a village to change a behavior. So many of our behaviors are tied to the people in our lives - be it social drinking or smoking, eating out, or even negative self-talk.

If you're trying to cut the habit of eating out for lunch, let your co-workers know so that you can pick a place that isn't going to compromise your goal. The company we keep says a lot about us. Make sure yours says something good.

5. Tools

In the beginning it can be very hard to remember your habit (because it isn't a habit yet!). Practicing mindfulness will help a lot, but it's okay to get a little help when you're just starting out. Below, I've listed some free tools that you can use on your computer or your smartphone (or ipad) to help you track and remember your habit.

Note: None of these are affiliate links. I will not gain anything if you click the links. I'm simply sharing a few tools that might help you.

1.  21Habit: This is the program I'm currently using, and I love it. With 21habit, you pick a habit that you want to create. Then you give them $21, one dollar for each of the 21 days it takes to create a habit. Each day you are successful with your habit, you get a dollar returned to you. Each day you fail at your habit, one dollar is donated to charity. They have a free version as well.


2. Success Log: A free app that lets you track anything you want. Allows you to analyze your data so you know exactly where you stand.


3. Joe's Goals: A very simple free website for tracking your habits/goals. Just click to add or remove check marks. Allows for multiple goal tracking, and the ability to track negative actions as well.

What habits are you working on now, or which will you begin? Have you ever used a tool to help you track a goal or a habit?

If you enjoyed this article, please consider sharing it to your favorite social network by using the buttons below.

The Lie Behind "That's Just Who I Am."

I wanted to share a quick thought with you this week. I had considered writing this just for my newsletter subscribers, but I think the message is so important that I needed to share it with all of you. (and if you haven't signed up to the newsletter, you can do so here or at the top of the page.)

The message of Un-Copied Life is to be yourself, your true self, not a copy. And certainly not who someone else thinks you should be.

I want you to be comfortable in your own skin, to accept your own opinions, and to believe in your capabilities.

This, however, is not an excuse to become stagnant and anchored in your mindset.

I want to make sure you understand the difference, because it's important!

Being yourself doesn't mean refusing to change.

It means refusing to become someone else. It means refusing to become someone you aren't.

But change? We're always changing. We aren't who we were yesterday. How can we possibly say we can't change, or that we shouldn't?

We all have people in our life who want us to think something different, or say something else. Everyone around us is an "expert" on something and they all have advice for us. There is always something they think we should do.

Sometimes they really are trying to show us something about ourselves that needs attention, and sometimes they're after their own agendas. The sad part is that most of us don't have the time to analyze every bit of advice and see what's what. So what do we do?

When do I act?

Here is a quick, 2 question guide to help you decide when to act on, and when to dismiss, advice given to you.

1. How did you react? Strong reactions, either positive or negative, are indicators that we need to give something our attention. Anger, for example, is a sign of underlying emotions that you've likely been neglecting. Figure out what is making you react and why. Strong reactions are where you need to put your focus.


2. What are your motives? Forget everyone else. Their motive is irrelevant. Even if they are angling for themselves, you don't want to shoot yourself in the foot by being stubborn. Don't refuse (or consent) just because someone asked you to. Question your initial decision and make sure that what you choose is for you— not because of the other person.

You can change. Everyone can.

Saying you can't change is a lie. The truth is that you don't want to. You don't want to admit to yourself that something isn't right. You don't want to make the effort.

And I'm not saying you should or that you need to. I simply want you to truly look at yourself. Be honest.

Know what you believe. And more importantly know why.

Change the parts that aren't you.

Then you can honestly say, "This is who I am."

What is your experience with unsolicited advice? Share in the comments below.

If you enjoyed this article, please consider sharing it to your favorite social network by clicking the “share” button below.

Photo courtesy of Neelaka

Easy Mindfulness Techniques (Beginner's Guide to Mindfulness Pt 2)

This is part two of the Beginner’s Guide to Mindfulness. This is  a four-part series in which I discuss the benefits of practicing mindfulness and I provide you simple techniques for incorporating the practice into your daily life. You can read part one here.

Last week week I talked about mindfulness and it's benefits. This week I'll go into mindfulness a bit more and share some simple techniques that will help you easily incorporate the practice into your daily life.

Step 1: Pick a time

If you completed last week's homework, then you're already done with step one. If you skipped the homework, or you missed it, your task was to pick a specific time that you will set aside to practice. If you haven't done this yet, go ahead and do it now, I'll wait.

Did you do it?

Your time should be time specific and should be the same each day. Remember, even just 5 or 10 minutes a day is enough to start out with. You want to start out simple because you don't want to become overwhelmed.

 

Step 2: Practice

There are many, many ways to practice mindfulness. This list is meant to serve as a sampling of basic techniques, and is by no means an all inclusive list. Remember: start small and work your way up.

60 Seconds of Breathing

This can be considered the "bare bones" of mindfulness as practically all forms of mindfulness are extensions of the breathing practice.

Find a place you can be still, with zero distractions. Turn off the the TV. Close the laptop. Put your phone on silent (It's ok, it's only 60 seconds!). It doesn't matter if you're sitting or lying in bed. Go ahead and get comfy.

Now focus on your breathing. Don't try to change it, just notice it. Is it fast or shallow? Is it deep or slow? Are your breaths even, or do they change from breath to breath? Is is coming from your chest or your belly? Does the air feel cool or warm? Are you breathing differently at the end than you were at the beginning?

If you'd like, you can set a timer to alert you when the minute is up. Keep in mind that this is deceptively simple - It's easy to do, yet difficult to master. Your mind is likely to stray after even 5 or 10 seconds. When that happens, just notice the thought, but don't focus on it, and direct your thoughts back to your breathing. Continue to redirect your thoughts back to the breath each time, remembering not to judge. It is normal for your mind to stray several, or many times during this exercise, even though it only lasts 60 seconds. With continued practice, you're mind will have an easier time focusing and will stray less often.

Eating

Considering that two-thirds of the American population is overweight, mindful eating can become a super-tool to add to your mindfulness toolbox.

How many times have you ate well past being full? How many times have you ate when you weren't even hungry? How many times have you eaten so quickly that you barely remember what the food even tasted like?

Mindful eating helps you to slow down, pay attention, and savor each moment and each bite.

Note: If you cook the food yourself, you can begin these steps while you're preparing and cooking the food).

Before you take your first bite, look at your food. What does it smell like? What colors and textures do you see?

Notice how your body reacts. Do you feel extra saliva in your mouth? Are you feeling excited or anticipation to taste the food?

Take a bite. How does it feel in your mouth? Is it chewy or soft? Salty or sweet?

Ask and notice. Repeat for each bite. If your mind wanders, bring it back to the food.

How hungry are you? Stop just before you are full.

I must admit that I used to think that this was overkill. I thought, "Seriously? Every bite?" So, I only half-way did it. I can't tell you how many times I went back for seconds because I inhaled my food so quickly, I hardly even tasted it. And because I ate it so fast, I wasn't satisfied - which, of course, left me wanting more.

When I slow down and savor each bite, I find that not only do I eat less, I feel much more satisfied with the meal overall.

Awareness

This is a fun one!

In this technique, we'll be picking a place to sit, and simply become aware of our surroundings. While the previous two techniques are very narrow-focused, this technique gives your mental focus a little more freedom and wiggle-room.

For beginner's, pick a location that is slower, with a little less hustle and bustle. A quiet park, or a restaurant during non-busy hours would be great. If you live in the city, or a suburb you could also sit on your porch. The goal is to pick somewhere that has activity, but is separate from you. Pick a place where you can easily observe what is going on, but not have to be a part of what is going on.

If you already practice mindfulness, feel free to pick a place that has more activity, like a Starbucks, or just use the places listed above, but move closer to the action.

Begin with mindful breathing. Notice your breath. When you have random thoughts, bring them back to the breath.

Now close your eyes. What do you hear? Are the sounds nearby or faraway? What do you feel? How hot or cold is it? Is there a breeze? What do you smell?

Use your senses of touch, hearing, and smell to paint a picture in your head. Don't judge what your senses tell you, though. Just notice.

Open your eyes. Now use your sight to notice the rest. What do you see? Are there kids playing? People rushing by?

Do this for as long as you like, but aim for at least 5 minutes.

Step 3: Repeat

To get the most out of mindfulness practice, you actually have to practice it! Pick a schedule and stick to it. It'll be second nature before you know it!

Next week, part three of the guide will show you how to use mindfulness to help with negative emotions and situations, like impatience and worry. Look for the post next Tuesday!

What techniques are you most excited to try? In what area of your life do you think mindfulness will be most helpful?

If you enjoyed this article, please consider sharing it to your favorite social network by clicking the buttons below.

What is Mindfulness and Why Is It Important? (Beginner's Guide to Mindfulness Pt 1)

As I'm sure you noticed in the title, today's post is part one in the Beginner's Guide to Mindfulness. This will be a four-part series in which I discuss the benefits of practicing mindfulness and I provide you simple techniques for incorporating the practice into your daily life.

What is Mindfulness?

To put it simply, mindfulness is being aware. But in reality it's so much more than that.

Being mindful means:

Paying attention with intent - This means that you are aware for awareness' sake.  You choose to pay attention, to be alive, to be nowhere but the current moment. For each mindful moment, there is no past and no future - only now.

Being non-judgemental - This is acceptance. It simply means that you are aware of your thoughts and surroundings, but you decline to interpret what your senses are telling you.

Essentially, it is you saying,  "Yeah, I know you're there. So what?"

Asking questions - Questions are one of the most important aspects of mindfulness. This is where awareness really comes alive. It means the difference between knowing that you're eating a bowl of cereal for breakfast, and being aware of the crunch of it between your teeth, tasting the sweetness of it on your tongue, and so much more. To fully experience mindfulness, you ask yourself all of the who/what/where/etc questions for each of your senses. What does it smell like? Who is around me? What sounds do I hear?

Next week, I'll talk a lot more about each of these.

What's so Important about Mindfulness Anyway?

I feel that mindfulness is an essential part of any self-discovery journey, and lots of experts, like Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, feel that it's absolutely necessary. There are even adaptations of mindfulness for many of the worlds major religions, so for most of us, religion isn't a reason to not practice. But, regardless, it's a pretty awesome self-discovery tool, that if used on a daily basis, can awaken you to parts of yourself you never knew existed.

The benefits of mindfulness:

Greater awareness - With mindfulness, awareness is key. It's the step (and the benefit) that unlocks all of the rest. As you get comfortable with the practice, you'll become more aware of your surroundings and your feelings, which will allow you to make better on-the-fly decisions and to more thoroughly enjoy life.

Better understanding - Not only will you gain a better understanding of yourself and your specific triggers, but you'll also be better able to understand others and their reactions too. We tend to be much more accepting of negative events and behaviors when we know why they're happening in the first place. And of course, with understanding, comes the ability to change.

Lower stress levels - When you're not worrying about anything, you aren't stressed. Worry manifests itself in so many ways: fear, anger, resentment. And these negative emotions are just our way of not accepting something in our lives. Essentially, mindfulness leads to acceptance, and acceptance silences worry. It's a win-win if you ask me.

More enjoyment - When you aren't consumed with stress or thinking about what happened yesterday (or what will happen tomorrow), you can actually begin to slow down and enjoy life. All we have is this moment, right now. The now is where we live and every second you spend in the past or future, is a second of life you have wasted. The present is the only time that truly exists for us.

Look up the word present in a dictionary — you won't find the words "speculation" or "memory" in the definition, I promise you.

Deeper sense of peace - There is a definite feeling of peace that comes with a daily practice of mindfulness. When we can filter through the stress and negativity, we can find ourselves able to enjoy life in a much deeper way, enabling us to relax into the feeling of simply being alive.

Homework

This week's homework is easy, but it's super important, so don't skip it!

Pick a time to be mindful, and be specific. 

Examples:

• I'm going to be mindful for 5 minutes while I'm brushing my teeth each morning.


• I'm going to be mindful for 10 minutes while I wash the dinner dishes each day.


• I'm going to be mindful while I each lunch each day.


• I'm going to be mindful while I'm in the shower/bath tub.

Right now, pick a time that isn't full of distractions. We want to start off easy, so pick a time that you won't have people or things vying for your attention.

Share with us in the comments below. What time did you pick? And have you ever practiced mindfulness before?

If you enjoyed this article, please consider sharing it to your favorite social network by clicking the buttons below.

Are You a Can or a Can't?

I've always been a people-watcher.

I've grown quite content to sit quietly watching others interact. You learn so much about people when they aren't paying attention. (All of you would-be stalkers out there, this is not your kind of how-to post, so you can kindly stop reading now). When out to lunch, I'll watch the other customers, not necessarily listening to them, but paying attention to their body language, the way they talk, and how they tackle their problems, the latter being what I want to focus on today.

Everyone has problems. There is no getting around that fact. Sure, we all get caught up in our own problems, but the reality is that our problems aren't all that special, and most of the time they aren't unique to each of us. As bad as your problem may seem at times, I promise you, there is someone out there who has it much easier than you, and someone out there who has it a hell of a lot harder than you. Occasionally, life throws a doozy at us, and often, our mind set is what will determine just how much of a pain in the ass that problem will become.

In all of my people-watching, I've noticed that there are two main types of people: those who try, putting all of their effort into solving life's problems, and those who make up stories and excuses and do everything in their power to avoid their problems, hoping someone else will come along and "save" them. 

I affectionately refer to these groups of people as Can's and Cant's, respectively. 

There are two little kids that I know who are perfect examples of Can and Can't types. We'll call them Jon, who is 6, and Carrie, who is 7. Carrie feels that Jon is smarter than she is. And looking on the outside, that's a valid conclusion. He's learning to read faster than she did, and finishes his homework quicker, asking for help less often. But when you really pay attention, one isn't really smarter than the other. They are just different people, who believe very different things about themselves.

When given slightly advanced work (something they haven't learned in school specifically, but is similar enough to what they have learned that they could come to a reasonable answer) they fall right into Can and Can't roles. Jon looks at the paper, concentrates, smiles a bit, and sits down, slowly deliberating over each problem. When finished he brings it back to me for "grading", usually getting a large percentage of the questions right. The problems he often misses are due to not being able to read the directions and guessing at what he's being asked to do. Afterward, he usually feels like he's made a big accomplishment, which he has.

On the other hand, Carrie begins to look worried before even looking at the problems. Once she does look at them, she usually comments something like "Oh this looks hard" and tends to request confirmation that "she's doing it right" after each and every problem. Often times, she starts grumbling or crying when she comes across a problem she doesn't understand right away. She fiddles with her pencil, her clothes, and her paper. She rolls around on the floor in exasperation. She asks for a drink, or starts talking about some off the wall topic. When it comes time for "grading" her paper, she hovers near me, jumping in excitement when she gets a problem correct, but starts to cry again if she see's more than one or two problems marked incorrect. When she misses a problem, it's usually because she wasn't paying attention to the instructions, or was rushing so much that she didn't bother to think through what was being asked of her. When done, her perceived "failures" tend to outweigh her accomplishments.

The difference between the two is confidence.

And this applies to everyone, not just first and second graders. We can't avoid problems, and letting fear steal your confidence is only going to make them worse. 
So, I thought I'd share with you a few tips to help you move over into the Can category, and leave the Cant's behind for good.

1. Name the worst possible outcome. And be realistic. In most cases it isn't near as horrible as it seems. Mystery amplifies fear. When you feel that fear creep up on you, call it by it's name. Drag it out of the shadows and expose it. Tell that lurker to beat it, or else.

2. Focus on what you know, not what you don't. Many times, a solution can be found by applying the knowledge you already have. Lets say you're cooking dinner for a couple friends. You're half-way done and you realize you bought the wrong ingredient. It's too late to go to the store and get what you need. Instead of freaking out, take a deep breath, and see what you can do with what you have. Some of the best meals I've ever made started with a goof. 

3. Accept that you aren't perfect. You'll do things wrong. You'll make mistakes. This is normal. This is how we, you know, learn.

4. Never say "I can't". You are what you think you are. If you always tell yourself you can't do something, you'll be right. But if you always tell yourself you can do something, you'll still be right. The moment you say "I can't" is the moment you admit defeat. You need to ditch Can't for good. What if you really can't do something? Say "I'll learn". And then go Google it, visit the library, take a class, ask a friend. Just don't give up before you even start.

 

Your turn

What are your Can't triggers?  How do you usually deal with your problems? Discuss in the comments below.

If you enjoyed this article, please consider sharing it to your favorite social network by clicking the "share" button below.

 Photo by Krikit

How to Connect With Anyone (And 3 Things You're Probably Doing Wrong)

I used to be painfully shy.

As a kid, maybe 6 years old, I remember my family taking a vacation to visit my aunt and uncle (my moms sister) who lived in Tennessee. We lived in Florida, and as far as I'm aware, this was the first time we had gone to visit them.

I was scared.

I didn't like new people. And I really didn't like talking to new people. Looking back, I have one distinct memory from that trip: I hid my face behind my arms the whole visit. Anytime anyone would talk to me, they'd get my muffled answer from behind my arms.

Think now, how many times have you done this?

Well maybe not exactly this, but how many times have you essentially hidden yourself and prevented a true connection with others out of fear? It took me a long time to be comfortable enough to not be afraid to strike up a conversation with a stranger.

But sometimes it isn't about strangers. Sometimes, the people you most need (or want) to connect with are people you already know. Maybe you need more connections at work, or you want to expand your social circle in real life rather than online.

Whatever the reason,  here are the 3 most effective techniques to connect with others that have worked for me.

1. Find something you have in common

 "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”
― C.S. Lewis

There may be billions of us on the planet, and we are all different in our unique ways (thankfully!!), but we're bound to find something between ourselves and others that we have in common. Don't feel this has to be something big, because often our similarities end up being the teeniest of things. And oddly enough, I find these to be some of the best connectors.

Imagine the following:

Scenario A: You walk up to the bus stop and wait for the bus to arrive. Someone else is already waiting there. You notice that this person is wearing a [insert uber popular band/artist] t-shirt. You happen to be a huge fan. The artist is popular, so you liking them isn't necessarily unique, but it is something you obviously have in common. The point is here that you may comment on the shirt, or you may not. You probably won't feel compelled to say anything, but you might anyway.

Scenario B: This time, when you look at the other person, they are wearing a [insert non-mainstream, only-has-like-20-followers, basically unheard of band/artist] t-shirt, that you happen to love. You feel this overwhelming desire to talk to this person, and let them know that you too like them and you're so excited to meet someone who actually knows they exist. You can't not say something.

Both scenarios can provide an opening to make a real connection with another person and both are extremely valuable tools in your social toolbox. If you choose to use them.

What you're probably doing wrong: From my experience, the most common problem here is missed opportunity. Most people are so absorbed in their daily goings on that they don't bother to pay attention to what is around them. This means they may not notice an opportunity, even when it's staring them in the face. I can't tell you how many times, I realized a possible connection after the fact when it was much too late.

The Fix: Pay attention. Don't let fear hold you back. Actively look for things you have in common with someone. Comment on it. Don't stop at one person. Keep looking.

2. Listen attentively

Listening is a huge part of truly connecting with someone. How else can you know if they are someone that you'd even want to connect with?

When I say listen, however, I don't just mean to their words. The words that someone is saying is only one small part of what you should be listening to. Body language, tone, and volume can also tell you a lot about the other person, and what they are trying to tell you.

It's amazing that small differences in body language, tone, and volume can produce such varied results. With a small lift in tone at the end, suddenly "Got the ball." becomes "Got the ball?". And that's just the beginning. Tone and volume can tell you if someone is happy, sad, angry, or anything in between. Body language can tell you if the person wants to talk to you (Are they facing you? Away from you? Are they distracted with a book or their phone?).

The same goes for you. If you want to make a connection with someone, make sure that you are giving off all the signals that say you do.

What you're probably doing wrong: There are a couple things here. I've found that when I wasn't paying attention to someone, it was usually because of these reasons:

• Impatiently waiting for them to stop talking so that it can be your turn. This is bad because if you are formulating and preparing your response while they are still talking, it means that you aren't listening to what they are saying.


• Looking at your phone/book/computer. Yes, you're busy. We all are. But to make a connection, sometimes you must make a small sacrifice. Alternatively, this a great method to put to use on someone you'd rather not be associated with.


• Your mind is somewhere else completely. Instead of realizing your co-worker asked you a question, you're trying to remember if you have carpool duty next week.

The Fix: If someone else is talking, listen. Period. Put down the cellphone. Mute/pause the TV. Close the laptop. Focus. This is not the time for multitasking. Make sure your body language tells the other person that you are listening. If you can't make the time to talk and have to use your lunch break to make calls, read, work, whatever, then find a quiet place where no one is likely to bother you. And please, stay out of the break room.

3. Share

In order to have a true connection with someone, there must be a certain amount of sharing on both sides. How much you share directly relates to what kind of relationship you have with the other person. If you're strangers, you might share your name, maybe a hobby or what kind of work you do, for example. Steer clear of typical boring small talk. Share something real, even if it's not big.

You don't want to have a TMI moment, but you do want to share something that is you. Unless you're really into the weather, don't bring it up. "Sure is a hot day today" is small-talk. It's a waste of time. But coming inside from a thunderstorm saying "I just love storms. You can almost feel the electricity in the air!" is a little bit different. It's beyond small-talk because you're talking about something that you feel― something personal to you. It isn't talking just to talk. The great thing about this is that the people around you will either completely agree with you, or think you're a little bit crazy. What they won't feel is that uncomfortable tension that boils down to "why is this person talking to me?"

What you're probably doing wrong: Under- or over-sharing. Talking about your digestive problems to a stranger probably isn't going to get you anything more than a disgusted look or being ignored. Likewise, clinging to typical small talk isn't going to win you any interest points either.

The Fix: Think about the relationship you have with this person. Is it new? Is is professional? Is it familiar? Open yourself up accordingly, but don't think that all relationships must remain on the same level. Say you're wanting to friend a co-worker outside of work. Share some interests you have, see if they have any the same. Listen to the clues they give you. Then invite them to do something outside of work that you think they'd be interested in.

Your Turn

Think back on the last couple conversations you've had. Have you made any of these common mistakes? Which one do you notice happening more often? And what tip are you going to try first? Share in the comments below.

If you enjoyed this article, please consider sharing it to your favorite social network by clicking on the "share" button below.

Photo by Frapestaartje