How to Fight Fear and Win

[caption id="attachment_170" align="aligncenter" width="300"] This isn't me, but it's cute![/caption]

Speak Up

About 2 weeks ago, my fiance and I were on our way back from visiting my dad. He was driving, and I was looking through the CD album we keep in our car (And yes, to all of you downloader's out there, disks do still exist!) and I pulled out a CD by one of my favorite artists, Sara Bareilles.

I looked at the pictures in the CD insert (which I do from time to time), noticing, with a pang of jealousy, the tiny and cute nose stud in Ms. Bareilles' nose.

For years, I had wanted one, but never got one.

I had my reasons:

• I'm too old (I'm 28, but felt that piercings are more for teens and early 20 somethings )


• What if people hate it? (My ex said they were ugly)


• My job (not allowed at work)


• What if I hate it? (that would suck)

But that day, I happened to show the picture to my fiance. I told him, "I want this."

His response?

"Ok, lets go."

And just like that, we dropped the kids off at his parents house and headed over to a popular tattooing/piercing shop.

A mere 30 minutes later, I walked out of that shop sporting a teeny little stud that almost looked like a piece of glitter.

I'll save you some time... Yes, it hurts. Yes, I'd do it again.

It was a spur-of-the-moment decision and I'm very happy I finally did it. 

But it got me thinking about those reasons that I hadn't already done it. Looking back at them, what do you notice? They are all coming from a place of fear.

And it's no bueno to give in to fear. 

I mean, really? Who cares how old I am? Who cares if someone else doesn't like what I do with my body? If I hate it, I can take it out!

The job was the only semi-legit reason on the list, but since I left my job, I can no longer use that as an excuse.

Locate the source.

And then crush it.

When I started thinking about my excuses fears, I began noticing a pattern.

I was worried about what other people would think of me.

I wasn't being true to myself. Not even close.

I know that we're all taught to "go with the flow" or "don't make waves" (or which ever water related analogy our parents chose), but this isn't- can't be- the way to live a happy life.

We have to stop thinking about what someone else thinks. 

Your source of fear may be the same as mine, or it could be completely different. But the truth, is that it doesn't matter what it is, it matters that you know what it is. Because then you can begin to fight back.

It's extremely difficult, if not impossible, to fight an unknown enemy.

Make a list.

Right now, get out some paper, or Word, or your phone, it doesn't matter.

Make a list of the reasons you aren't doing something that you really want to do. List them all. Don't leave anything out.

Now look at your list. How many reasons excuses come from a place of fear?

These are the ones you really need to pay attention to.

Give your list a reality check

I want you to go through the items on your list, and for each one, I want you to write down why it's a lie. And you know that's what it is - a big fat lie.

I'll even give you an example. Say you want to lose weight. Your list might look like this:

Excuse: I'm too old/heavy/slow to exercise.

Reality: No, you're not. There are many people older, heavier, and slower than you exercising right now.
Excuse: What if people laugh at me? What if people think I look dumb? What if people don't accept what I'm doing?

Reality: Forget about other people. You aren't a business, these people can't buy stock in you. They don't get a say! Only your opinion matters.

Excuse: I don't have time. I'm too busy.

Reality: You like to think you are, but you aren't. Working out and eating right, simply isn't a priority. We make time for the things that are important to us!

Excuse: What if I hate exercising? What if I hate this food? What if it bores me?

Reality: Then do/eat something else! Experiment. Learn. Getting something wrong means you're learning what doesn't work -- which is just as important as knowing what does work!

Believe in yourself

Fear limits, paralyzes, slows, detracts.

Jumping takes you places. Doing opens doors. Flying sets you free.

Don't want to walk? Then dance!

Your turn

What fears have you given in to in the past? What fear are you going to give up? Discuss in the comments below. 

 

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Photo by Michelle Schaffer

Are You a Can or a Can't?

I've always been a people-watcher.

I've grown quite content to sit quietly watching others interact. You learn so much about people when they aren't paying attention. (All of you would-be stalkers out there, this is not your kind of how-to post, so you can kindly stop reading now). When out to lunch, I'll watch the other customers, not necessarily listening to them, but paying attention to their body language, the way they talk, and how they tackle their problems, the latter being what I want to focus on today.

Everyone has problems. There is no getting around that fact. Sure, we all get caught up in our own problems, but the reality is that our problems aren't all that special, and most of the time they aren't unique to each of us. As bad as your problem may seem at times, I promise you, there is someone out there who has it much easier than you, and someone out there who has it a hell of a lot harder than you. Occasionally, life throws a doozy at us, and often, our mind set is what will determine just how much of a pain in the ass that problem will become.

In all of my people-watching, I've noticed that there are two main types of people: those who try, putting all of their effort into solving life's problems, and those who make up stories and excuses and do everything in their power to avoid their problems, hoping someone else will come along and "save" them. 

I affectionately refer to these groups of people as Can's and Cant's, respectively. 

There are two little kids that I know who are perfect examples of Can and Can't types. We'll call them Jon, who is 6, and Carrie, who is 7. Carrie feels that Jon is smarter than she is. And looking on the outside, that's a valid conclusion. He's learning to read faster than she did, and finishes his homework quicker, asking for help less often. But when you really pay attention, one isn't really smarter than the other. They are just different people, who believe very different things about themselves.

When given slightly advanced work (something they haven't learned in school specifically, but is similar enough to what they have learned that they could come to a reasonable answer) they fall right into Can and Can't roles. Jon looks at the paper, concentrates, smiles a bit, and sits down, slowly deliberating over each problem. When finished he brings it back to me for "grading", usually getting a large percentage of the questions right. The problems he often misses are due to not being able to read the directions and guessing at what he's being asked to do. Afterward, he usually feels like he's made a big accomplishment, which he has.

On the other hand, Carrie begins to look worried before even looking at the problems. Once she does look at them, she usually comments something like "Oh this looks hard" and tends to request confirmation that "she's doing it right" after each and every problem. Often times, she starts grumbling or crying when she comes across a problem she doesn't understand right away. She fiddles with her pencil, her clothes, and her paper. She rolls around on the floor in exasperation. She asks for a drink, or starts talking about some off the wall topic. When it comes time for "grading" her paper, she hovers near me, jumping in excitement when she gets a problem correct, but starts to cry again if she see's more than one or two problems marked incorrect. When she misses a problem, it's usually because she wasn't paying attention to the instructions, or was rushing so much that she didn't bother to think through what was being asked of her. When done, her perceived "failures" tend to outweigh her accomplishments.

The difference between the two is confidence.

And this applies to everyone, not just first and second graders. We can't avoid problems, and letting fear steal your confidence is only going to make them worse. 
So, I thought I'd share with you a few tips to help you move over into the Can category, and leave the Cant's behind for good.

1. Name the worst possible outcome. And be realistic. In most cases it isn't near as horrible as it seems. Mystery amplifies fear. When you feel that fear creep up on you, call it by it's name. Drag it out of the shadows and expose it. Tell that lurker to beat it, or else.

2. Focus on what you know, not what you don't. Many times, a solution can be found by applying the knowledge you already have. Lets say you're cooking dinner for a couple friends. You're half-way done and you realize you bought the wrong ingredient. It's too late to go to the store and get what you need. Instead of freaking out, take a deep breath, and see what you can do with what you have. Some of the best meals I've ever made started with a goof. 

3. Accept that you aren't perfect. You'll do things wrong. You'll make mistakes. This is normal. This is how we, you know, learn.

4. Never say "I can't". You are what you think you are. If you always tell yourself you can't do something, you'll be right. But if you always tell yourself you can do something, you'll still be right. The moment you say "I can't" is the moment you admit defeat. You need to ditch Can't for good. What if you really can't do something? Say "I'll learn". And then go Google it, visit the library, take a class, ask a friend. Just don't give up before you even start.

 

Your turn

What are your Can't triggers?  How do you usually deal with your problems? Discuss in the comments below.

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 Photo by Krikit