Is your self-worth tied to the opinions of others?
Now, before you instinctively throw a "no" at me, answer me this:
- Do compliments make you feel like you made the right decision?
- Do criticisms immediately make you doubt yourself?
- Have you felt unmotivated at work because you haven't received praise like a co-worker has?
- Do you feel unloved because you haven't heard from your friends lately?
If you answered "yes" to any of those questions, then your self-worth is linked, to some degree, to the opinions and actions of someone else.
You aren't alone either.
Most of my life was spent waiting for appraisal and approval from those around me. Childhood bullying coupled with a very shy personality, created a very deflated sense of self-worth. I reasoned that if people were being mean to me, then I must have not been worthy of kindness.
Of course, it took becoming an adult, and learning how to look outside myself, to see that childhood bullying has much less to do with "worthiness" as it is an outlet for the bully's own pain.
The truth is:
It doesn't excuse anyone's behavior, but it really is up to you how someone makes you feel.
It's up to you to accept an opinion of you as truth. Tweet this.
I can't tell you how many years I spent seeking approval and acceptance from everyone except the one person who mattered— myself.
And this just isn't the way to live.
We can't live waiting for someone to make us feel special/loved/worthy. We already are these things, we just haven't noticed because we're so busy waiting!
So, go on! Get outside and dig up those weeds. Prune the dead leaves and broken stems. Feel the possibilities.
And plant your own flowers.
Because those store bought ones? They're living on borrowed time.
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Image courtesy of Stephen Jones
You aren't alone either.
Most of my life was spent waiting for appraisal and approval from those around me. Childhood bullying coupled with a very shy personality, created a very deflated sense of self-worth. I reasoned that if people were being mean to me, then I must have not been worthy of kindness.
Of course, it took becoming an adult, and learning how to look outside myself, to see that childhood bullying has much less to do with "worthiness" as it is an outlet for the bully's own pain.
The truth is:
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt
It doesn't excuse anyone's behavior, but it really is up to you how someone makes you feel.
It's up to you to accept an opinion of you as truth. Tweet this.
I can't tell you how many years I spent seeking approval and acceptance from everyone except the one person who mattered— myself.
And this just isn't the way to live.
We can't live waiting for someone to make us feel special/loved/worthy. We already are these things, we just haven't noticed because we're so busy waiting!
"Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. "— Veronica A. Shoffstall
So, go on! Get outside and dig up those weeds. Prune the dead leaves and broken stems. Feel the possibilities.
And plant your own flowers.
Because those store bought ones? They're living on borrowed time.
If you enjoyed this article, please consider sharing it to your favorite social network by clicking the “share” button below.
Image courtesy of Stephen Jones
Beautiful post, i love your garden metaphor. Relying on other people's opinions can be a seductive trap to fall into, but it trains us to move away from our own path. Other peoples flowers make for great compost, but it's the ones we nurture and grow ourselves that really count.
ReplyDeleteNicely done, Kim. Great points in a really succinct post. I love the analogy during this fall season as we witness change in our gardens as well as ourselves.
ReplyDeleteVery well said!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Bobbi!
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of cultivating my own garden. Never thought of it that way, although, in practice, that's what I'm doing.
ReplyDeleteBut I miss having a real garden too. I can't wait for the plants in my aerogardens to get bigger!
I have to stick to metaphorical gardens - I always kill the real ones! I always forget to water them, and in this Florida heat, that's a bad thing.
ReplyDeleteThat's why I LOVE my aerogardens. The plants live in a nutrient solution instead of dirt so they grow so much faster and better. And the aerogarden unit blinks at me when the water gets low. Double win!
ReplyDeleteSounds like my kind of planter!
ReplyDeleteAfter many years of being too busy, I have finally built my own garden.
ReplyDeleteI'm also going through a mid life reinvention.
Until now, I didn't realize the connection.
I am loving planting my own seeds to see what blossoms.
Sounds very exciting for you Priska! Congrats on your garden! :)
ReplyDeleteYes, what you've said is all true. But extremely hard. I immediately answered yes to the first question - I know that my self-worth is tied to the opinions of others. But I know also that that does not have to be the case.
ReplyDeleteLovely post. Love the quote and the garden analogy. I feel tied to nature and the cycle of planting, blooming and fall. We humans cannot escape that ALL life itself is power of nature. We need to prune, weed, nourish young seedlings, plant our flowers, create deep roots and rake out the dry, dead stems. Great post.
ReplyDeleteAmit, it's so great that you have realized it, though! We are taught to care too much what others think and we teach ourselves to create a much better balance as well.
ReplyDeleteJane, thank you for such a beautiful comment. Very well said!
ReplyDeleteGreat post, and like Jim, I love the gardening metaphor.
ReplyDeleteI think we have an inbuilt need to rely on other people's opinions of us, which is probably a survival technique for us as babies - because if we are not liked (and loved) we will not be looked after, as as helpless babies we have a very strong motivation to be cared for. But many of us don't grow out of that and still need acceptance and approval from others instead of cultivating an internal reliance on ourselves.
I'm off to meditate now, and do a little personal cultivating of my own self-worth!
Very good point. I think that many times, the parent-child relationship has to go from relying on love from someone else to relying on yourself too abruptly. From what I've seen, from those around me at least, parents are being clingier and more protective, which can be unhelpful IF they don't help the child transition from that to being more self reliant for their own happiness and approval.
ReplyDeleteThat's why traffic lights have a yellow light. It would be dangerous to go from green straight to red!