What You May Not Know About Anger

 

Do you know why you get angry?

Well, of course there is the simple answer: something happened that you didn't like. But the truth is that the answer goes much deeper than this, and it may surprise you.

The reality is that your anger probably has little to do with what you think it does. 

Let's say you work third shift, so you're sleeping while everyone else is just starting their day. But your retiree neighbor has a habit of mowing their lawn -mere feet from your bedroom window - every Saturday morning at 8am. You end up losing sleep because the sound of the mower keeps you awake.

Maybe the maintenance team for your apartment is the kind of inept that makes the Three Stooges look like a welcome replacement. You just can't seem to get any of the problems you've reported fixed.

Or maybe you spent a month planning a friends baby shower, only to find out  that she called some of your ideas "cheap" behind your back.

At first glance, you can see why you'd be angry in each scenario— losing sleep,  not getting your apartment fixed, and name calling. But each of these can be distilled down to one central reason: loss of control.

You're angry because you can't control the situation.

Let that sink in for a minute, because for many of us, it's not an obvious conclusion. We often don't give our emotions enough thought, enough consideration. Especially the negative ones. We just want them to go away.

But, instead of blasting those around you with your anger (or bottling it up and letting it consume you), take a minute to figure out why you're really angry.

Lets take a closer look at the third scenario above, where your efforts at throwing a  baby shower were rewarded with a negative comment from your friend. I want to look at a few reasons this might make you angry.

Reason 1

What you tell yourself: You feel it's rude of her to insult your hard work, especially behind your back.

What you suspect: You dislike being wrong and for others to think negatively of you.

Real Reason: You were unable to make her like your ideas, nor make her trust you enough to tell you herself. You wanted your efforts rewarded and you didn't get what you wanted. You couldn't control what she did and didn't like.

or

Real Reason: The word "cheap" brings back memories of childhood bullies who always insulted your hand-me-down clothes. Which is what you're really angry at. You're angry you didn't have new clothes. Angry you didn't stand up to the bullies. You're angry at your parents. And on and on. Again, this is all about loss of control.

Remember, an important aspect of the un-copied journey is ceasing to care what others think of you. Tweet this.

In each of the original scenarios above, if you really give each emotion the time and attention it needs, you can discover the real source of your anger. Yes, on the surface, the specific problem may be what sets off your anger... but to know the true source of it, you must dig deeper.

Many times, you'll be surprised where your emotions will take you. Something that may seem unrelated may end up having more importance than you could have imagined.

So how do you figure it out?

The steps below are suggestions, and don't necessarily need to be completed in order, save for the first one. Depending on how angry you are, some steps may even be skipped. The idea is to familiarize yourself with them, so that you can recall the most pertinent ones for your situation.

1. Take a moment

Walk away, if possible. If you're driving, pull over. If you're about to make a phone call, put the phone down. Just take a few moments to breathe and think. Once anger takes over, it's hard to stop. This is what you want to avoid.

2. Recognize your emotions

Accept that you're angry. You're not trying to smother your emotions; you're trying to find their source. So, don't clog up the process by throwing in unneeded emotions like guilt or shame at getting angry in the first place.

3. Realize your limits

Anger is about control (so are impatience, frustration, and irritation, to name a few). So the key here is realizing you can't control everything. In fact, the only thing you can control is yourself. That's it.

You can affect the rest of the world, but you can't control it. Tweet this.

4. Look inside

It may seem obvious, but to objectively assess your anger, you must be in an objective frame of mind. So, once you're removed from the source of your anger, and have had enough time to calm down and return your blood pressure to a relatively normal level, you can begin digging around in your mind.

What is your initial reaction? What story do you usually tell yourself in these moments?

Now think a bit more. Is there something about the situation that bugs you? Usually, we have a nice story we tell ourselves, but also a story that hovers off to the side. We know it's there, but we do our best to ignore it, because it's usually about a part of us we aren't too fond it. Listen to your inner voice, it's usually right.

5. Look deeper

Keep digging until you reach the bottom. Some issues will go deeper than others. If you feel any kind of nagging emotions, keep digging. You'll know when you find the true source of your anger, because it will most likely be one of those "lightbulb" moments, where everything suddenly makes sense.

Don't worry if you don't get it right away. You don't have to do all this "digging" in one sitting. Just get into the practice of looking deeper. One way that has helped me enormously is journaling. I find that writing down what I'm thinking, while I'm thinking it has been invaluable.

Take a look at the last time you felt angry. Is the source of the anger different than you first thought? 

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Photo courtesy of Mindaugas Danys.