What You May Not Know About Anger

 

Do you know why you get angry?

Well, of course there is the simple answer: something happened that you didn't like. But the truth is that the answer goes much deeper than this, and it may surprise you.

The reality is that your anger probably has little to do with what you think it does. 

Let's say you work third shift, so you're sleeping while everyone else is just starting their day. But your retiree neighbor has a habit of mowing their lawn -mere feet from your bedroom window - every Saturday morning at 8am. You end up losing sleep because the sound of the mower keeps you awake.

Maybe the maintenance team for your apartment is the kind of inept that makes the Three Stooges look like a welcome replacement. You just can't seem to get any of the problems you've reported fixed.

Or maybe you spent a month planning a friends baby shower, only to find out  that she called some of your ideas "cheap" behind your back.

At first glance, you can see why you'd be angry in each scenario— losing sleep,  not getting your apartment fixed, and name calling. But each of these can be distilled down to one central reason: loss of control.

You're angry because you can't control the situation.

Let that sink in for a minute, because for many of us, it's not an obvious conclusion. We often don't give our emotions enough thought, enough consideration. Especially the negative ones. We just want them to go away.

But, instead of blasting those around you with your anger (or bottling it up and letting it consume you), take a minute to figure out why you're really angry.

Lets take a closer look at the third scenario above, where your efforts at throwing a  baby shower were rewarded with a negative comment from your friend. I want to look at a few reasons this might make you angry.

Reason 1

What you tell yourself: You feel it's rude of her to insult your hard work, especially behind your back.

What you suspect: You dislike being wrong and for others to think negatively of you.

Real Reason: You were unable to make her like your ideas, nor make her trust you enough to tell you herself. You wanted your efforts rewarded and you didn't get what you wanted. You couldn't control what she did and didn't like.

or

Real Reason: The word "cheap" brings back memories of childhood bullies who always insulted your hand-me-down clothes. Which is what you're really angry at. You're angry you didn't have new clothes. Angry you didn't stand up to the bullies. You're angry at your parents. And on and on. Again, this is all about loss of control.

Remember, an important aspect of the un-copied journey is ceasing to care what others think of you. Tweet this.

In each of the original scenarios above, if you really give each emotion the time and attention it needs, you can discover the real source of your anger. Yes, on the surface, the specific problem may be what sets off your anger... but to know the true source of it, you must dig deeper.

Many times, you'll be surprised where your emotions will take you. Something that may seem unrelated may end up having more importance than you could have imagined.

So how do you figure it out?

The steps below are suggestions, and don't necessarily need to be completed in order, save for the first one. Depending on how angry you are, some steps may even be skipped. The idea is to familiarize yourself with them, so that you can recall the most pertinent ones for your situation.

1. Take a moment

Walk away, if possible. If you're driving, pull over. If you're about to make a phone call, put the phone down. Just take a few moments to breathe and think. Once anger takes over, it's hard to stop. This is what you want to avoid.

2. Recognize your emotions

Accept that you're angry. You're not trying to smother your emotions; you're trying to find their source. So, don't clog up the process by throwing in unneeded emotions like guilt or shame at getting angry in the first place.

3. Realize your limits

Anger is about control (so are impatience, frustration, and irritation, to name a few). So the key here is realizing you can't control everything. In fact, the only thing you can control is yourself. That's it.

You can affect the rest of the world, but you can't control it. Tweet this.

4. Look inside

It may seem obvious, but to objectively assess your anger, you must be in an objective frame of mind. So, once you're removed from the source of your anger, and have had enough time to calm down and return your blood pressure to a relatively normal level, you can begin digging around in your mind.

What is your initial reaction? What story do you usually tell yourself in these moments?

Now think a bit more. Is there something about the situation that bugs you? Usually, we have a nice story we tell ourselves, but also a story that hovers off to the side. We know it's there, but we do our best to ignore it, because it's usually about a part of us we aren't too fond it. Listen to your inner voice, it's usually right.

5. Look deeper

Keep digging until you reach the bottom. Some issues will go deeper than others. If you feel any kind of nagging emotions, keep digging. You'll know when you find the true source of your anger, because it will most likely be one of those "lightbulb" moments, where everything suddenly makes sense.

Don't worry if you don't get it right away. You don't have to do all this "digging" in one sitting. Just get into the practice of looking deeper. One way that has helped me enormously is journaling. I find that writing down what I'm thinking, while I'm thinking it has been invaluable.

Take a look at the last time you felt angry. Is the source of the anger different than you first thought? 

If you enjoyed this article, please consider sharing it to your favorite social network by clicking the buttons below.

Photo courtesy of Mindaugas Danys.

 

De-stress a Stressful Situation (Beginner’s Guide to Mindfulness Pt 3)

This is part three of the Beginner’s Guide to Mindfulness. This is  a four-part series in which I discuss the benefits of practicing mindfulness and I provide you simple techniques for incorporating the practice into your daily life. If you missed it, you catch up by reading  Part 1 and Part 2.

When an unexpected situation comes up, it's easy to get caught up in your emotions. Before you know it, the situation has spiraled out of control— you're angry or hurt and everyone else involved is wishing they were anywhere else but there. Like stuck in a bear trap. Or visiting their in-laws.

But it really can be easier than that. It is possible to take stress in stride and not let it get the best of you.  Here's how to tackle three common sources of stress that most, if not all of us, have faced at some time or another.

1. When you don't like what you see

Do you like looking in the mirror? Or like many others does the thought of looking lovingly at your reflection spark a level of loathing usually reserved for your mortal enemies?

Maybe you're somewhere in the middle of these extremes, but the truth is that many people take no pleasure from looking in the mirror or at photos taken of them. And when they do happen to look in the mirror, all they seem to focus on is what is too ugly, or too fat, or too whatever.

I've been there. I remember when looking in the mirror meant tears - of shame, defeat, and despair. It meant imagining the horrible things that other people were surely saying about me. Thankfully, I was able to accept, not only my body, but that worrying about what others think is a waste of time.

But how do you get past it? 

Common advice for improving self-image is to compliment yourself every time you see your reflection. But for some, this can actually be counter-effective. If the aversion to your physical appearance is so strongly ingrained in your beliefs, then complimenting yourself often can feel like such a bald-faced lie that the logical side of you will completely reject the idea. This of course, leads to you giving up altogether.

Practicing mindfulness in this situation can provide the middle ground that is needed to overcome that feeling of lying to yourself, because instead of telling yourself how great you are, or how horrible you are, you are simply saying, "Yes, I see you. I will not judge what I see."

Say to your reflection: "Yes, I see you. I will not judge what I see." Click to tweet this quote.

And once you're comfortable with accepting what you see, you can progress toward more positive thoughts.

2. When you're in a hurry

You have 15 minutes left on your lunch hour. All you want to do is pay for the 3 tiny little items you need for dinner tonight. And the grocery store has one checkout open (out of twenty) and the line is snaking down aisle 3 into the deli department.

Oh. Hell. No.

I’ll admit it, I'm not the most patient person in the world. Or anywhere close. But I have learned a few ways to deal with impatience when it comes up and not to let it take control of me.

Anticipate delays. This is oh so important. Many times it isn't the delay that bothers us so much, but the fact that it took us by surprise. We like to be in control and when something happens that we can't control, it throws us for a loop. When I'm expecting to wait, it doesn't bother me nearly as much as when it's sprung on me.

• Find out when the busy times are at your grocery store (just ask an employee) and avoid those times as much as possible. If you can't, be prepared to wait in line.


• If rush hour traffic makes your blood pressure surge, try finding a different route. Radio stations often share road blockages (including from car accidents) and The Weather Channel will give you a rush hour traffic report for your zip code.


• If you always find yourself a few minutes late to work because your kids just don't understand the urgency, try waking up just 5 minutes earlier. Make sure everyone's clothes and backpacks are ready the night before. You can even prepare for breakfast by putting out the bowls, spoons, and cereal (or any non-perishables) the night before as well.

Of course, you can't always prepare for a delay. When the world seems hellbent to keep you from your destination, it helps to have a plan of action, which I'll get to in a moment. First, I want to discuss the third situation— anger. Because impatience has a way of turning quickly to anger, the mindful solutions for both of them are very similar.

 

3. When you're angry

I used to say that my temper was like a sports car: It could go 0 - 60 in 3.5. It was easy to flare up and difficult to tame. But with some time and patience with myself, I am now able to keep calm under many circumstances that used to rev me up. Of course, I do still get angry. I mention this because it's important for you to realize that we can't control every emotion, nor would we want to (we are humans with feelings after all), but we can learn to moderate the emotions that aren't doing anything to help us or those around us.

Now, on to the good stuff!

Mindful Thought

 

• Begin with mindful breathing. Focus only on the breath. If you're finding it difficult to concentrate, try saying "In" on the inhale and "Out" on the exhale. Do this until you're calm or the delay has passed. Do not proceed to the next step until you are calm.


• Consider other points of view. The cashier is probably even more stressed than you— it isn't her fault that she's the only one at a register. Yelling at her, or making comments to others in line isn't going to make her work faster. Or maybe the problem is that a car accident is blocking traffic. Instead of thinking only of your plight, have compassion and consider what the person in the accident is going through.


• Ask yourself, "Is this getting me anywhere?" Regardless of how legitimate your impatience or anger is, you have to question what it's doing for you. Is it getting you to your destination faster? If the answer is no, and I'd wager that it is, then relax. Go back to your breathing if necessary.


• Get it out. Many of us hold in anger for a long time. It's unhealthy and despite what we tell ourselves, the only person it hurts is us. Try talking calmly to the person that has upset you. This is the best way to clear out the negative emotions. If you aren't ready for that step, or if the source of your anger isn't a person, there are other steps you can take, like writing out your frustrations. Writing a "letter" to the source of your anger (you don't actually send it) or keeping a journal gives you a way to expell those negative emotions in a healthy way. Write down all the emotions you're feeling and why you feel them. Pay attention to how your body reacts as well. Do you notice a change in your pulse or muscle tension? Note anything that crosses your mind.

"The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest." —Unknown

What methods to you use to keep calm in stressful situations? Please share in the comments below.

If you enjoyed this article, please consider sharing it to your favorite social network by using the buttons below.