Where do your beliefs - your deeply held opinions regarding life and everything and everyone around you - come from?
Do you even know? Have you ever thought about it?
Today, I want you to question these beliefs. I want you to ask why.
Why do I have this belief?
Now, before we get started, I want to clarify that I am not referring to religious or spiritual beliefs (although I do feel that they should never be taken lightly or blindly). Instead, I want to focus on other beliefs that are woven into your life, often without you even realizing it.
Have you ever thought:
- I have to ______ before I die.
- I should do something because it's what I'm supposed to do.
- I shouldn't do something because I'm not supposed to do it.
- My friends/family should always ______.
- A real job looks like ______.
- A real marriage is ______.
- And on and on...
These statements, and thousands of others like them, are beliefs you have about your life. Beliefs are the individual threads woven into the fabric of your life (Hmm... I suddenly feel like I stepped out of a Cotton commercial). They help to define who we are, who we interact with, and how we interact with them.
Beliefs Are Good Until They're Not
Beliefs can be very good for us, after all they help us know how to define major areas in our lives. But sometimes these beliefs, which we often rely on to maintain our happiness, can get us into some real emotional hot water. Sometimes, the people in our lives just can't live up to our beliefs. Sometimes, we can't live up to our own beliefs. Sometimes, there's this big, messy, grey area where there isn't a clear cut answer.
Or maybe we make the worst mistake and assume that everyone else shares our beliefs, thereby expecting certain things from them that they don't know they're supposed to do.
A turnip is a turnip, no matter how much you wish it were a carrot. Tweet this.
So why (and when) should you question your beliefs?
1. When they're making you unhappy
If your belief is causing you unhappiness, then it's time to take a deeper look. It's time to start asking why. Is it the belief itself causing your unhappiness? Or maybe it's the consequences of the belief? It could be that you don't really hold the belief, despite telling yourself that you do.
2. Because they're old beliefs you've carried with you for years.
Is it something that's been hammered into you your whole life? Have you been told "this is how it is" so many times that you actually believe it too? You need to really take the time to look into it and make sure you haven't outgrown it.
3.When you haven't objectively considered them.
Have you honestly looked at your beliefs, seriously and objectively, and kept them around because you truly do believe in them. Or do you hold your beliefs because they are the culturally acceptable norm? Forget everyone else - you must concentrate on what's right for you.
4.When they actually belong to someone else.
Humans are very adaptable creatures. And it doesn't stop at climate and diet. We adapt to what is considered "normal" around us as well (among many, many other things). We see what other people consider normal. And out of our desires to fit in, we learn to adopt other peoples standards and beliefs as our own. As I said earlier, sometimes this can be good, but we absolutely must decide of they fit in with our other beliefs. If they don't, the dissonance they cause can be very problematic at best.
Just remember, beliefs aren't laws. They can change as often as you need them to in order to be happy. Question, question, question. If it's not working, find a way to make it work, or toss that sucker. Life's too short to be unhappy!
Have you ever had a belief wreck havoc in your life? What did you do to restore the balance? Share below in the comments.
Image courtesy of Fayez
Hear, hear!
ReplyDeleteI'm participating in a study that had an educational component to see how it would change the participants' quality of life. One thing the doctor said was a real eye opener for me and you've echoed it well in your article.
"Challenge your beliefs. They may be what are holding you back."
And boy was she right! I discovered I had two core beliefs I had to let go in order to make progress. When I took a good hard look at them, I really had to wonder why I was still clinging to them. They were invalid for where I am in my life now, although they may have served some purpose at the time they were formed.
Question all you believe in
It’s a big world - so much to do
It’s a big world - so much to see
And plenty of room for me and you ~ Joe Jackson "Big World" lyrics
Sure did! I had the belief that I HAD to stay in a relationship because that's just what you do. That leaving would be abandoing people and turning your back on helping others.
ReplyDeleteIt took me a very long time to learn that my happiness and health is more important than some of our self imposed obligations!
YUP! =-)
Could talk about this topic all day. Marvy post! When my wife and I began to question our beliefs our lives exploded and our marriage bloomed. One exceptionally helpful book that got us going was Seven Simple Steps to Personal Freedom: An Owner's Manual for Life by Gerry Spence, but there are many great sources. We used to believe that work was 40+ hours a week and working for someone else was just a fact of life. We ended up fat, undereducated and tired. We started our own business and corrected course. Now we spend a lot of time together and take very good care of ourselves and each other.
ReplyDeleteIn my life, I call these "the shoulds," and they are pesky little fellows indeed! I should put up with ________ because family is family. I should eat whatever is served because it is rude not to do so. And the list goes on! There are many ways to be tactful but preserve your own sanity. I am still a work-in-progress, but I question everything and everything now. And, what a coincidence, I love my life!
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Kim!
I've been doing a lot of work on mining out personal beliefs. What is hardest for me are those deeply buried beliefs that you don't even realize you have. You almost have to start at what's not working and be willing to keep asking why? why not? until you finally uncover the stubborn belief. I've been almost startled at getting to the core of some of my own beliefs that were holding me back - they are not always the same as what they appear on the surface!
ReplyDeleteAll the time Kim! And the problem is as you say we are sometimes not even aware of them, they hide in our subconscious limiting our potential and happiness. My current tactic is to drown my subconscious with positive nurturing thoughts and not give the negative beliefs any space to take root!
ReplyDeleteKim, I just recently learned that I don't have to listen to my beliefs all the time and that sometimes my thoughts aren't true. Go figure.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, though, both of those revelations have made life much easier for me!
Sounds like a great study! I've had several beliefs that I've had to look closely at lately. It's so interesting when you can look inside them and see something you've never noticed before -even though it was right under your nose the whole time.
ReplyDeleteI know that feeling! I was with my ex-husband for 7 years, and even though I was tremendously unhappy, part of the reason I stuck it out was because we were married. And even more, because we'd been together for so long. I thought that "it's been too long to go back". Thankfully I got out of that thinking!
ReplyDeleteAwesome! I'll have to look up that book... it sounds pretty good!
ReplyDeletehaha Pesky is right! I was just thinking about one of my "Shoulds". My fiance is not a cuddler very often - he's always hot (I swear this man never gets cold) and extra body heat makes him uncomfortable. He also likes to use separate sheets. At first, I felt kind of rejected... "We're not supposed to be so separate" I thought. but then I realized how great it is - I can stretch out and take the space I need because I'm not smushed against someone. This means I can really get comfortable! And not sharing a sheet means I can wrap it all around me like I like to do, and not worry that I'm taking too much of it. Yeah, every once in a while, I make him cuddle... but I was really surprised how nice the arrangement felt. That happens when we find what works for us, and not what the worlds tells us we're supposed to do.
ReplyDeleteI'm very fascinated with that domino effect - First you find something, then it leads to something, which leads to something, and on and on. It's like being a detective - finding out what's pertinent and when to keep digging.
ReplyDeleteThey are very sneaky little buggers too! They know all the right places to hide. I love your tactic!
ReplyDeleteSometimes our thoughts aren't true - great statement!
ReplyDeleteAlthough I've known about beliefs and how they can limit our potential for a long time - I'm still finding new ones that hold me back! It's a constant exploration and reinvention, and I think this work is never really done! We just keep climbing up and around the spiral.
ReplyDeleteI love the example of the sheets! It is true, why do we have to do it X way? Just because the 'whole world' does? I am frightened to think of all that would be lost or never invented if we didn't break free of what we "should" do.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Kim. I've had to rethink a few beliefs that were causing havoc in my life, and it's always a hard thing to do because if i have a belief then, by definition, I've invested myself in it.
ReplyDeleteOver time I've learned to at least try what you advise in your third point and reflect on my beliefs a bit more regularly so that if something is amiss I can catch it before too much damage is done.
I am a Catholic scientist and writer...All of the time! But now I won't feel so guilty ;) Great article!
ReplyDeleteYou're right. It does never seem done... But it's definitely worth it!
ReplyDeleteThat's great! It's like a safety net... it keeps the big stuff from going unnoticed.
ReplyDeleteHaha Lee! Thanks for stopping by!
ReplyDeleteI do consider these topics from time to time, Kim, and last night, I went to a play that sort of brought it up again. But it's strange, I seem to have a blocker on for deep thoughts sometimes. It helps me to function, I think. Yes, I consider 'the big stuff' when hints of it are wafted my way, but I can't dive in all the time, or I lose the productivity and creative process that makes me happy.
ReplyDeleteThe particular thought that the play (Conference of the Birds at The Folger, anyone in DC should definitely check it out for soul-searching) called up was about what @Patti mentioned above- getting to the bottom of a belief by asking why? why? why? That makes me think about second-guessing, and how are we ever sure we think what we do why we think we do. (hope you get my meaning- it's hard to write about!) :-) How do we know when we are right about ourselves?
[...] share Where do your beliefs – your deeply held opinions regarding life and everything and everyone around you – come from? Do you even know? Have you ever thought about … Continu... [...]
ReplyDeleteYou ask some pretty hard things of your readers sometimes, Kim! This has got to be the hardest (but also the most important) so far!
ReplyDeleteI grew up without much influence from the beliefs of my parents, and because they blocked me from TV until I was in high-school, from the wider cultural arena. Because of that, I'm now a freak - many of my beliefs are dramatically different from that of the average person. After all, I believe 90%+ of a person's beliefs come unquestioned (mine included).
If a parent is republican, so to, is usually the child. If a parent is muslim, so to, is usually the child. If a person is republican and the party leader says "x is good", then that person almost always will automatically believe that x is now good. And so on and so on. Evaluating beliefs for yourself is so frikkkin hard!!!!
Perhaps the biggest belief I've reevaluated in my life is the one that I need lots of money to be happy. And it took me almost a year of hard thought to get over that one. Makes me wonder how many more stupid beliefs I'm holding.
@Amin I am with you on the "the parent is ______, so the child is _____." Evolutionarily, it makes sense. Survival and all. But it is 2012, so I am with you on questioning all my beliefs. I know I still have many to go! Great for you for realizing money doesn't make you happy. My husband and I left our "day jobs" and, although we have less money than we did five years ago, we are the happiest we have ever been!
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