So You Want to Actually Enjoy the Holidays? 9 Tips to Knock Out Holiday Stress

With the U.S. coming off the Thanksgiving endorphin high induced by mounds of turkey, potatoes, and decadent sugary desserts, it's all too common to feel the seasonal stress slowly begin to tighten around your neck like a brightly lit and twinkling little noose. Many of you are likely to have a constant loop of "Oh but I still have to...", "Your mother is staying how long?", "Wait, that costs what?!", running through your heads like a bad song on repeat. You may even have already resigned yourself to thinking "This is just how the holidays are" and given up on the notion that they are supposed to be fun. Maybe you're stressed to the point that you find yourself like this little elf, curled into the fetal position, screaming  "No more!"

But the truth is that they aren't supposed to make you want to crawl into a cave until January. The holidays are about celebrating, giving, loving, coming together, and cherishing the things you  have and the people you're with.

Now, I'm not going to claim it will be easy. For these suggestions to work, you must want it. You must put forth the effort, stick to your guns, and follow through. If you do, you'll be on your way to truly happy holidays.

The "Yes, we're related" Stress

Fifteen people crammed into one house + individual annoyances and preferences + unsolicited advice + past grievances = Stress like no other stress.

These are all the people who know you the best, have seen you at your worst, and aren't afraid to call you out when they know you're making things up. But they're also the people who love you and want the best for you, even if they're doing it totally wrong.

1. Decide ahead of time the types of conversations you will (and won't) participate in. If you know there is likely to be some issue ruffling feathers, it's best to not get involved. Families like to help each other, but sometimes the best help you can offer is leaving a problem alone. If grandma is trying to scare off Katie's "unsuitable" boyfriend, stay out of it. Let Grandma and Katie, both, know that you won't be getting involved. Same goes for jobs, husbands, child-rearing, or the lack of.

2. If you're hosting a get-together, make some rules. It's your house, you decide what is allowed and what isn't. No arguing, no smoking, no re-cleaning my house after I just cleaned it. Whatever bugs you. It may seem petty to some, but if it's something that makes your blood pressure rise, then you need to lay down some ground rules. Be nice, but be clear.

3. Pay attention to the things that make you happy. These are usually small things, and as such, are often overlooked. Instead of focusing on the big things (that often have a tendency of going awry), pay attention to everything else. Love the smell of the Christmas Tree? Find a seat close to it. Feel calm watching the lights blink on and off? Take 10 minutes to sit and watch them. Love cooking? Offer to help in the kitchen. Enjoy being outside? Grab a kid and make a snowman. The possibilities are endless. Small things added up really do make a difference.

The "This is too expensive" Stress

These days holidays can seem less like holidays and more like A-reason-to-spend-money-days. Between gifts, food, decorations, travel and vacations, the holidays can seem like one big money pit. This season is about giving. It's not about giving the most expensive gift you can find. Find a balance that soothes your mind and your wallet.

1. Make a list. Decide who you're buying gifts for and stick to it. If you know money will be tight this year, it's time to trim the list. Do you really need to get a gift for your cousins two children? Should you get a gift for the aunt who lives 2000 miles away who you never see? Or what about your 20 grandchildren? It's up to you. Just remember that you have to draw the line somewhere. Decide who are the most important people in your life, who needs a smile the most, who gifts would help the most. Start with them.

2. Set limits. Decide how much you can realistically spend and then divvy it up appropriately among those you have to buy for. This way you know exactly how much you have to spend for each person, without having to do the mental money tango of "Can I afford this?" Decide ahead of time and stick to it.

3. Be okay with your decisions. You can't buy everyone exactly what they want all the time. Make your decisions, stick with them, and know that you did what you could. Don't feel guilty for what you missed or couldn't afford. Feel good knowing that you did what you were able. That's all you need to worry about.

The "I don't have time for this" Stress

24 hours in a day and you've got to sleep for at least a third of them. Somehow, you have to figure out how to fit all of your regular tasks in PLUS all of these new holiday ones - decorating, shopping, cooking, wrapping, parties, visiting and on and on. I can seem impossible, but you have more flexibility than you think.

1. Bundle up. And I don't mean with jackets. Bundle up your activities where possible to save time. Do your holiday food shopping the same day you usually buy your groceries. If you can afford it, have the stores wrap the gifts for you. Cooking a fancy meal? Double the recipes and freeze the extras. This could save several days worth of cooking, freeing up time for something else.

2. Enlist help. If you have older children, they can certainly help you cook, decorate, even wrap other children's presents (provided they won't blab what the presents are!) Teens can even help with the shopping and other errands. Get the spouse involved. Parents, friends, and siblings too. Make your holiday meal a potluck. Sometimes, it's hard to let go of control and allow others to help, but sometimes that's where the real spirit of the holidays comes out.

3. Realize you have limits. Do what you can and refuse to feel guilty or pressured to do something you can't. Relax and decide to enjoy yourself. If something doesn't get done, it doesn't get done. No worry, no guilt.

Just like you can love a person, but not like them very much, you can apply this thinking to the holidays. You may feel more stress, but you can learn to cherish these weeks in spite of it. Decide to be thankful for the things and the family that you have. Enjoy this time... and remember, they only happen once a year.

 Image courtesy of Dylan Tweney

On Labels and Going Beyond Stereotypes

This weeks post is going to be a bit different than usual. Instead of teaching, today I just want to talk to you.

I've been thinking a lot about labels this week — how we choose to let them define us and how no matter what, they will always exist.



We give ourselves these labels in order to place ourselves somewhere - anywhere. But are they even accurate?

Have you ever felt like you don't really belong with a label you've been given? Maybe you're a dude who likes other dudes. Maybe you're in a Christian family, but you've never agreed with the Christian teachings.

Maybe you want to skip the whole mothering thing, while everyone around you is pressuring you to have a child. Or maybe life made you a follower and all you want to do is lead for a change.

Or maybe you're a White Lesbian Athiest who just had a baby with your Black Christian Wife.

The truth is that no single label can ever begin to describe or define us. We are a mix of many, many labels and we must give up that "all or none" kind of thinking.

The other day, I said something to a friend that was perhaps a bit overly critical. She responded with "Aren't you supposed to be a Buddhist?" Which was her way of saying I should be nicer to her.

Regardless of my comment, her question is what got me thinking about labels. In truth, I'm not technically a Buddhist. I do feel that most of my beliefs align well with the Buddhist philosophy, and I have considered becoming a full-fledged Buddhist, but it's still a very new thing for me. Most of us grow up with religion being handed to us - we believe what our parents believe. It would take me years to learn and study a new language, not days or weeks.

So what's my point here? This friend knew about my research into Buddhism and automatically assumed that would suddenly be "Buddhist", as if by assuming that label, all Buddhist traits would immediately be mine.

It doesn't work that way.

How about a new mother who is so tired that she would rather sleep than hold her newborn? I hear this story so often, but yet these exhausted new moms are still feeling the pressure to be SuperMom and they are plagued with guilt when their emotions don't match up.

Or the son who is expected to join the family business like his father and his father's father, except he'd rather go out on his own and explore the world.

The problem with labels isn't fitting into them— it's the backlash from not fitting into them. Tweet

Once you take on a label, those around you know where to put you in their convenient mental filing system. They expect certain behaviors from you, and you deviate from the label, their whole system crashes.

And you know what?

That's okay.

Because it isn't your problem, it isn't your concern, and it isn't your job to help them pick up the shattered pieces of their stereotypes— It's theirs.

They are the ones who created the problem in the first place. They are the ones responsible for their confusion. Not you.

 The opposite of a label is still a label.

I see so many who try desperately to avoid being labeled or stereotyped. But this just isn't possible. The opposite of one label, while different, is still a label - even if you don't have a direct replacement for it.

For example, most of the people around me are huge fans of the Florida Gators football team. Their slogan happens to be "If you're not a Gator, you're Gator bait." They assume that you're either with them or against them. But then here comes me, who isn't a fan of the Gators. Which would, by their definition, make me one big juicy piece of bait.

Only, I'm not against them. I'm not for them, but I'm not against them. I just happen to have zero interest in football. I couldn't care less who wins or loses.

But even though I don't take sides, I still have a label that's been given to me.

Make like the wind.

I believe that one label, or ten, can never begin to truly define us. Yes, we may have labels, but they are simply to guide us, never define us. Otherwise, there'd be a lot of other people in this world just like us.

In order to be individuals, we must let go of the rigid walls of stereotype, and find our own way. Learning to flow where life takes us can be an immeasurable part of finding happiness. Instead of clinging desperately to your labels, try letting go and see where the wind takes you.

Instead of saying "I am __________."  try simply saying "I am."

 

Why It's Good To Question Your Beliefs

Where do your beliefs - your deeply held opinions regarding life and everything and everyone around you - come from?

Do you even know? Have you ever thought about it?

Today, I want you to question these beliefs. I want you to ask why.

Why do I have this belief?

Now, before we get started, I want to clarify that I am not referring to religious or spiritual beliefs (although I do feel that they should never be taken lightly or blindly). Instead, I want to focus on other beliefs that are woven into your life, often without you even realizing it.

Have you ever thought:

• I have to ______ before I die.


• I should do something because it's what I'm supposed to do.


• I shouldn't do something because I'm not supposed to do it.


• My friends/family should always ______.


• A real job looks like ______.


• A real marriage is ______.


• And on and on...

These statements, and thousands of others like them, are beliefs you have about your life. Beliefs are the individual threads woven into the fabric of your life (Hmm... I suddenly feel like I stepped out of a Cotton commercial). They help to define who we are, who we interact with, and how we interact with them.

Beliefs Are Good Until They're Not

Beliefs can be very good for us, after all they help us know how to define major areas in our lives. But sometimes these beliefs, which we often rely on to maintain our happiness, can get us into some real emotional hot water. Sometimes, the people in our lives just can't live up to our beliefs. Sometimes, we can't live up to our own beliefs. Sometimes, there's this big, messy, grey area where there isn't a clear cut answer.

Or maybe we make the worst mistake and assume that everyone else shares our beliefs, thereby expecting certain things from them that they don't know they're supposed to do.

A turnip is a turnip, no matter how much you wish it were a carrot. Tweet this.

So why (and when) should you question your beliefs?

1. When they're making you unhappy

If your belief is causing you unhappiness, then it's time to take a deeper look. It's time to start asking why. Is it the belief itself causing your unhappiness?  Or maybe it's the consequences of the belief? It could be that you don't really hold the belief, despite telling yourself that you do.

2. Because they're old beliefs you've carried with you for years. 

Is it something that's been hammered into you your whole life? Have you been told "this is how it is" so many times that you actually believe it too? You need to really take the time to look into it and make sure you haven't outgrown it.

3.When you haven't objectively considered them.

Have you honestly looked at your beliefs, seriously and objectively, and kept them around because you truly do believe in them. Or do you hold your beliefs because they are the culturally acceptable norm? Forget everyone else - you must concentrate on what's right for you.

4.When they actually belong to someone else.

Humans are very adaptable creatures. And it doesn't stop at climate and diet. We adapt to what is considered "normal" around us as well (among many, many other things). We see what other people consider normal. And out of our desires to fit in, we learn to adopt other peoples standards and beliefs as our own. As I said earlier, sometimes this can be good, but we absolutely must decide of they fit in with our other beliefs. If they don't, the dissonance they cause can be very problematic at best.

Just remember, beliefs aren't laws. They can change as often as you need them to in order to be happy. Question, question, question. If it's not working, find a way to make it work, or toss that sucker. Life's too short to be unhappy!

Have you ever had a belief wreck havoc in your life? What did you do to restore the balance? Share below in the comments.

Image courtesy of Fayez

Are The People In Your Life Ruining Your Self-Esteem?

This is a hard question because it's one many people don't want to look at too closely.

We don't want to admit that a person we care about is bad for us. We don't want to admit that we chose to let the wrong person into our lives. We don't want to let go of something that probably was pretty good at one time or another.

Maybe we know someone toxic, spewing their poison everywhere they go. Or maybe they are a bit more subtle, leaving drops of negativity in sneaky places, making your believe they are your own.

Or it could be that they aren't intentionally hurting you. As busy as life is these days, we're often so preoccupied with our own life that  we're unaware of the feelings of those around us. It's normal. But how much is okay? How long should you hold on to someone who is too busy for you? That's an answer I'm still working on.

But I do know this:

Chances are that you have someone in your life right now that you probably should have let go a long time ago. Tweet this.

And as hard as it can be to deal with this person, as much stress as you feel when they are around you or when you think about them, they actually affect you much more than you might realize. This is where I introduce the concept of the generalized other and the term everybody committee.

The Generalized Other and Your Everybody Committee

When I learned about these concepts, I was flabbergasted. The ideas were so simple, but so true, that I couldn't fathom why it had never occurred to me before. And since learning of these concepts, I have drastically changed how I view the people around me.

So what are they?

The generalized other is a concept that was introduced by George Herbert Mead. It is basically our interpretation of how we think other people expect us to think and act in a situation.

A great example of the generalized other is the WWJD bracelet craze that popped up back in the 90's. If you don't know, "WWJD" stands for "What would Jesus do?" The bracelets were created to be a little reminder to think of how Jesus would want you to act in a situation. This is a classic generalized other.

If you ever ask yourself "What am I supposed to wear?" or "How am I supposed to act?" then you are calling on your knowledge of the generalized other.

Now, a generalized other isn't bad, in fact according to Mead, it's necessary, especially as a child, to learn and adapt to correct behavior and expectations.

But many times we take the generalized other too far, letting it control us too much.

So how do we control it and where do the majority of our notions of the generalized other come from?

This is where your everybody committee comes into play.

I had the pleasure of picking up the November 2012 issue of O Magazine a couple weeks ago and this is how I discovered the concept of everybody committees.

Everybody committee is a term coined by life coach, Martha Beck. And though I'm still learning about this term, I wanted to give you an overview of the idea behind it. You can find the original article on the O Magazine website  if you'd like to read it (which I highly recommend that you do!).

"Your generalized other is actually based on a mental magnification of just a few people, often the most judgmental people you know." — Martha Beck

Beck suggests an exercise where you complete sentences like "Everybody thinks I'm ____"  and then think of a real life person who has actually, word for word, said this to you. There are more examples of this exercise in the original article. I urge you to go read this part at the very least, I can wait.

These people are your everybody committee. Beck says "I believe most of us have very small committees—often just one individual, almost never more than six. Yet we subconsciously project their opinions onto the entire global population."

They are often the most negative or influential people in your life. So when you are feeling frustrated and upset, and you lash out saying something like "I'm tired of everybody _______!" you're saying "everybody" but you're most likely feeling pressure from only one or two people.

Did you get that? Because it's important.

We tend to take the opinion of one person, and put it on everyone. And this is where we get into trouble.

This is where we feel unloved by everyone because one person won't call us back. This is where we get angry at a whole group of people because of one persons stupidity.

But it's also why we might put up with pain longer than we should.

Going back to the negative people in your life - Are these people in your everybody committee? Have you caught yourself blaming "everyone" for something that only they have said or done? Has your self-esteem suffered because of this person?

If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then it's time to look at that relationship and decide if it's worth it to keep them in your life.

Remember:

We only get one life. We shouldn't waste it by defending our choices to everyone, when we should just say goodbye to one person. Tweet this.

I'm still deciding how to handle the people that I've realized are in my everybody committee. Of course, it isn't going to be easy and definitely not painless. But in the long run it will be worth it.

What about you? Did you learn anything new by completing the exercise Beck suggested? Please share you thoughts in the comments below.

Image courtesy of Jamiesrabbits