Are You a Can or a Can't?

I've always been a people-watcher.

I've grown quite content to sit quietly watching others interact. You learn so much about people when they aren't paying attention. (All of you would-be stalkers out there, this is not your kind of how-to post, so you can kindly stop reading now). When out to lunch, I'll watch the other customers, not necessarily listening to them, but paying attention to their body language, the way they talk, and how they tackle their problems, the latter being what I want to focus on today.

Everyone has problems. There is no getting around that fact. Sure, we all get caught up in our own problems, but the reality is that our problems aren't all that special, and most of the time they aren't unique to each of us. As bad as your problem may seem at times, I promise you, there is someone out there who has it much easier than you, and someone out there who has it a hell of a lot harder than you. Occasionally, life throws a doozy at us, and often, our mind set is what will determine just how much of a pain in the ass that problem will become.

In all of my people-watching, I've noticed that there are two main types of people: those who try, putting all of their effort into solving life's problems, and those who make up stories and excuses and do everything in their power to avoid their problems, hoping someone else will come along and "save" them. 

I affectionately refer to these groups of people as Can's and Cant's, respectively. 

There are two little kids that I know who are perfect examples of Can and Can't types. We'll call them Jon, who is 6, and Carrie, who is 7. Carrie feels that Jon is smarter than she is. And looking on the outside, that's a valid conclusion. He's learning to read faster than she did, and finishes his homework quicker, asking for help less often. But when you really pay attention, one isn't really smarter than the other. They are just different people, who believe very different things about themselves.

When given slightly advanced work (something they haven't learned in school specifically, but is similar enough to what they have learned that they could come to a reasonable answer) they fall right into Can and Can't roles. Jon looks at the paper, concentrates, smiles a bit, and sits down, slowly deliberating over each problem. When finished he brings it back to me for "grading", usually getting a large percentage of the questions right. The problems he often misses are due to not being able to read the directions and guessing at what he's being asked to do. Afterward, he usually feels like he's made a big accomplishment, which he has.

On the other hand, Carrie begins to look worried before even looking at the problems. Once she does look at them, she usually comments something like "Oh this looks hard" and tends to request confirmation that "she's doing it right" after each and every problem. Often times, she starts grumbling or crying when she comes across a problem she doesn't understand right away. She fiddles with her pencil, her clothes, and her paper. She rolls around on the floor in exasperation. She asks for a drink, or starts talking about some off the wall topic. When it comes time for "grading" her paper, she hovers near me, jumping in excitement when she gets a problem correct, but starts to cry again if she see's more than one or two problems marked incorrect. When she misses a problem, it's usually because she wasn't paying attention to the instructions, or was rushing so much that she didn't bother to think through what was being asked of her. When done, her perceived "failures" tend to outweigh her accomplishments.

The difference between the two is confidence.

And this applies to everyone, not just first and second graders. We can't avoid problems, and letting fear steal your confidence is only going to make them worse. 
So, I thought I'd share with you a few tips to help you move over into the Can category, and leave the Cant's behind for good.

1. Name the worst possible outcome. And be realistic. In most cases it isn't near as horrible as it seems. Mystery amplifies fear. When you feel that fear creep up on you, call it by it's name. Drag it out of the shadows and expose it. Tell that lurker to beat it, or else.

2. Focus on what you know, not what you don't. Many times, a solution can be found by applying the knowledge you already have. Lets say you're cooking dinner for a couple friends. You're half-way done and you realize you bought the wrong ingredient. It's too late to go to the store and get what you need. Instead of freaking out, take a deep breath, and see what you can do with what you have. Some of the best meals I've ever made started with a goof. 

3. Accept that you aren't perfect. You'll do things wrong. You'll make mistakes. This is normal. This is how we, you know, learn.

4. Never say "I can't". You are what you think you are. If you always tell yourself you can't do something, you'll be right. But if you always tell yourself you can do something, you'll still be right. The moment you say "I can't" is the moment you admit defeat. You need to ditch Can't for good. What if you really can't do something? Say "I'll learn". And then go Google it, visit the library, take a class, ask a friend. Just don't give up before you even start.

 

Your turn

What are your Can't triggers?  How do you usually deal with your problems? Discuss in the comments below.

If you enjoyed this article, please consider sharing it to your favorite social network by clicking the "share" button below.

 Photo by Krikit

Are You a Can or a Can't?

By Kim Thirion

I've always been a people-watcher.

I've grown quite content to sit quietly watching others interact. You learn so much about people when they aren't paying attention. (All of you would-be stalkers out there, this is not your kind of how-to post, so you can kindly stop reading now). When out to lunch, I'll watch the other customers, not necessarily listening to them, but paying attention to their body language, the way they talk, and how they tackle their problems, the latter being what I want to focus on today. 

Everyone has problems. There is no getting around that fact. Sure, we all get caught up in our own problems, but the reality is that our problems aren't all that special, and most of the time they aren't unique to each of us. As bad as your problem may seem at times, I promise you, there is someone out there who has it much easier than you, and someone out there who has it a hell of a lot harder than you. Occasionally, life throws a doozy at us, and often, our mind set is what will determine just how much of a pain in the ass that problem will become. 

In all of my people-watching, I've noticed that there are two main types of people: those who try, putting all of their effort into solving life's problems, and those who make up stories and excuses and do everything in their power to avoid their problems, hoping someone else will come along and "save" them. 

I affectionately refer to these groups of people as Can's and Cant's, respectively. 

There are two little kids that I know who are perfect examples of Can and Can't types. We'll call them Jon, who is 6, and Carrie, who is 7. Carrie feels that Jon is smarter than she is. And looking on the outside, that's a valid conclusion. He's learning to read faster than she did, and finishes his homework quicker, asking for help less often. But when you really pay attention, one isn't really smarter than the other. They are just different people, who believe very different things about themselves.

When given slightly advanced work (something they haven't learned in school specifically, but is similar enough to what they have learned that they could come to a reasonable answer) they fall right into Can and Can't roles. Jon looks at the paper, concentrates, smiles a bit, and sits down, slowly deliberating over each problem. When finished he brings it back to me for "grading", usually getting a large percentage of the questions right. The problems he often misses are due to not being able to read the directions and guessing at what he's being asked to do. Afterward, he usually feels like he's made a big accomplishment, which he has.

On the other hand, Carrie begins to look worried before even looking at the problems. Once she does look at them, she usually comments something like "Oh this looks hard" and tends to request confirmation that "she's doing it right" after each and every problem. Often times, she starts grumbling or crying when she comes across a problem she doesn't understand right away. She fiddles with her pencil, her clothes, and her paper. She rolls around on the floor in exasperation. She asks for a drink, or starts talking about some off the wall topic. When it comes time for "grading" her paper, she hovers near me, jumping in excitement when she gets a problem correct, but starts to cry again if she see's more than one or two problems marked incorrect. When she misses a problem, it's usually because she wasn't paying attention to the instructions, or was rushing so much that she didn't bother to think through what was being asked of her. When done, her perceived "failures" tend to outweigh her accomplishments.

The difference between the two is confidence. 

And this applies to everyone, not just first and second graders. We can't avoid problems, and letting fear steal your confidence is only going to make them worse. 
So, I thought I'd share with you a few tips to help you move over into the Can category, and leave the Cant's behind for good. 

1. Name the worst possible outcome. And be realistic. In most cases it isn't near as horrible as it seems. Mystery amplifies fear. When you feel that fear creep up on you, call it by it's name. Drag it out of the shadows and expose it. Tell that lurker to beat it, or else. 

2. Focus on what you know, not what you don't. Many times, a solution can be found by applying the knowledge you already have. Lets say you're cooking dinner for a couple friends. You're half-way done and you realize you bought the wrong ingredient. It's too late to go to the store and get what you need. Instead of freaking out, take a deep breath, and see what you can do with what you have. Some of the best meals I've ever made started with a goof. 

3. Accept that you aren't perfect. You'll do things wrong. You'll make mistakes. This is normal. This is how we, you know, learn.

4. Never say "I can't". You are what you think you are. If you always tell yourself you can't do something, you'll be right. But if you always tell yourself you can do something, you'll still be right. The moment you say "I can't" is the moment you admit defeat. You need to ditch Can't for good. What if you really can't do something? Say "I'll learn". And then go Google it, visit the library, take a class, ask a friend. Just don't give up before you even start.

Your turn

What are your Can't triggers?  How do you usually deal with your problems? Discuss in the comments below.


 Photo by Krikit

How to Connect With Others (And 3 Things You're Probably Doing Wrong)

By Kim Thirion

I used to be painfully shy.

As a kid, maybe 6 years old, I remember my family taking a vacation to visit my aunt and uncle (my moms sister) who lived in Tennessee. We lived in Florida, and as far as I'm aware, this was the first time we had gone to visit them.

I was scared.

I didn't like new people. And I really didn't like talking to new people. Looking back, I have one distinct memory from that trip: I hid my face behind my arms the whole visit. Anytime anyone would talk to me, they'd get my muffled answer from behind my arms.

Think now, how many times have you done this?

Well maybe not exactly this, but how many times have you essentially hidden yourself and prevented a true connection with others out of fear? It took me a long time to be comfortable enough to not be afraid to strike up a conversation with a stranger.

But sometimes it isn't about strangers. Sometimes, the people you most need (or want) to connect with are people you already know. Maybe you need more connections at work, or you want to expand your social circle in real life rather than online.

Whatever the reason,  here are the 3 most effective techniques to connect with others that have worked for me.

1. Find something you have in common

 "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”
― C.S. Lewis

There may be billions of us on the planet, and we are all different in our unique ways (thankfully!!), but we're bound to find something between ourselves and others that we have in common. Don't feel this has to be something big, because often our similarities end up being the teeniest of things. And oddly enough, I find these to be some of the best connectors.

Imagine the following:

Scenario A: You walk up to the bus stop and wait for the bus to arrive. Someone else is already waiting there. You notice that this person is wearing a [insert uber popular band/artist] t-shirt. You happen to be a huge fan. The artist is popular, so you liking them isn't necessarily unique, but it is something you obviously have in common. The point is here that you may comment on the shirt, or you may not. You probably won't feel compelled to say anything, but you might anyway.

Scenario B: This time, when you look at the other person, they are wearing a [insert non-mainstream, only-has-like-20-followers, basically unheard of band/artist] t-shirt, that you happen to love. You feel this overwhelming desire to talk to this person, and let them know that you too like them and you're so excited to meet someone who actually knows they exist. You can't not say something.

Both scenarios can provide an opening to make a real connection with another person and both are extremely valuable tools in your social toolbox. If you choose to use them.

What you're probably doing wrong: From my experience, the most common problem here is missed opportunity. Most people are so absorbed in their daily goings on that they don't bother to pay attention to what is around them. This means they may not notice an opportunity, even when it's staring them in the face. I can't tell you how many times, I realized a possible connection after the fact when it was much too late.

The Fix: Pay attention. Don't let fear hold you back. Actively look for things you have in common with someone. Comment on it. Don't stop at one person. Keep looking.

2. Listen attentively

Listening is a huge part of truly connecting with someone. How else can you know if they are someone that you'd even want to connect with?

When I say listen, however, I don't just mean to their words. The words that someone is saying is only one small part of what you should be listening to. Body language, tone, and volume can also tell you a lot about the other person, and what they are trying to tell you.

It's amazing that small differences in body language, tone, and volume can produce such varied results. With a small lift in tone at the end, suddenly "Got the ball." becomes "Got the ball?". And that's just the beginning. Tone and volume can tell you if someone is happy, sad, angry, or anything in between. Body language can tell you if the person wants to talk to you (Are they facing you? Away from you? Are they distracted with a book or their phone?).

The same goes for you. If you want to make a connection with someone, make sure that you are giving off all the signals that say you do.

What you're probably doing wrong: There are a couple things here. I've found that when I wasn't paying attention to someone, it was usually because of these reasons:

• Impatiently waiting for them to stop talking so that it can be your turn. This is bad because if you are formulating and preparing your response while they are still talking, it means that you aren't listening to what they are saying.
• Looking at your phone/book/computer. Yes, you're busy. We all are. But to make a connection, sometimes you must make a small sacrifice. Alternatively, this a great method to put to use on someone you'd rather not be associated with.
• Your mind is somewhere else completely. Instead of realizing your co-worker asked you a question, you're trying to remember if you have carpool duty next week.

The Fix: If someone else is talking, listen. Period. Put down the cellphone. Mute/pause the TV. Close the laptop. Focus. This is not the time for multitasking. Make sure your body language tells the other person that you are listening. If you can't make the time to talk and have to use your lunch break to make calls, read, work, whatever, then find a quiet place where no one is likely to bother you. And please, stay out of the break room.

3. Share

In order to have a true connection with someone, there must be a certain amount of sharing on both sides. How much you share directly relates to what kind of relationship you have with the other person. If you're strangers, you might share your name, maybe a hobby or what kind of work you do, for example. Steer clear of typical boring small talk. Share something real, even if it's not big.

You don't want to have a TMI moment, but you do want to share something that is you. Unless you're really into the weather, don't bring it up. "Sure is a hot day today" is small-talk. It's a waste of time. But coming inside from a thunderstorm saying "I just love storms. You can almost feel the electricity in the air!" is a little bit different. It's beyond small-talk because you're talking about something that you feel― something personal to you. It isn't talking just to talk. The great thing about this is that the people around you will either completely agree with you, or think you're a little bit crazy. What they won't feel is that uncomfortable tension that boils down to "why is this person talking to me?"

What you're probably doing wrong: Under- or over-sharing. Talking about your digestive problems to a stranger probably isn't going to get you anything more than a disgusted look or being ignored. Likewise, clinging to typical small talk isn't going to win you any interest points either.


The Fix: Think about the relationship you have with this person. Is it new? Is is professional? Is it familiar? Open yourself up accordingly, but don't think that all relationships must remain on the same level. Say you're wanting to friend a co-worker outside of work. Share some interests you have, see if they have any the same. Listen to the clues they give you. Then invite them to do something outside of work that you think they'd be interested in.

Your Turn

Think back on the last couple conversations you've had. Have you made any of these common mistakes? Which one do you notice happening more often? And what tip are you going to try first? Share in the comments below.

Photo by Frapestaartje

How to Connect With Anyone (And 3 Things You're Probably Doing Wrong)

I used to be painfully shy.

As a kid, maybe 6 years old, I remember my family taking a vacation to visit my aunt and uncle (my moms sister) who lived in Tennessee. We lived in Florida, and as far as I'm aware, this was the first time we had gone to visit them.

I was scared.

I didn't like new people. And I really didn't like talking to new people. Looking back, I have one distinct memory from that trip: I hid my face behind my arms the whole visit. Anytime anyone would talk to me, they'd get my muffled answer from behind my arms.

Think now, how many times have you done this?

Well maybe not exactly this, but how many times have you essentially hidden yourself and prevented a true connection with others out of fear? It took me a long time to be comfortable enough to not be afraid to strike up a conversation with a stranger.

But sometimes it isn't about strangers. Sometimes, the people you most need (or want) to connect with are people you already know. Maybe you need more connections at work, or you want to expand your social circle in real life rather than online.

Whatever the reason,  here are the 3 most effective techniques to connect with others that have worked for me.

1. Find something you have in common

 "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”
― C.S. Lewis

There may be billions of us on the planet, and we are all different in our unique ways (thankfully!!), but we're bound to find something between ourselves and others that we have in common. Don't feel this has to be something big, because often our similarities end up being the teeniest of things. And oddly enough, I find these to be some of the best connectors.

Imagine the following:

Scenario A: You walk up to the bus stop and wait for the bus to arrive. Someone else is already waiting there. You notice that this person is wearing a [insert uber popular band/artist] t-shirt. You happen to be a huge fan. The artist is popular, so you liking them isn't necessarily unique, but it is something you obviously have in common. The point is here that you may comment on the shirt, or you may not. You probably won't feel compelled to say anything, but you might anyway.

Scenario B: This time, when you look at the other person, they are wearing a [insert non-mainstream, only-has-like-20-followers, basically unheard of band/artist] t-shirt, that you happen to love. You feel this overwhelming desire to talk to this person, and let them know that you too like them and you're so excited to meet someone who actually knows they exist. You can't not say something.

Both scenarios can provide an opening to make a real connection with another person and both are extremely valuable tools in your social toolbox. If you choose to use them.

What you're probably doing wrong: From my experience, the most common problem here is missed opportunity. Most people are so absorbed in their daily goings on that they don't bother to pay attention to what is around them. This means they may not notice an opportunity, even when it's staring them in the face. I can't tell you how many times, I realized a possible connection after the fact when it was much too late.

The Fix: Pay attention. Don't let fear hold you back. Actively look for things you have in common with someone. Comment on it. Don't stop at one person. Keep looking.

2. Listen attentively

Listening is a huge part of truly connecting with someone. How else can you know if they are someone that you'd even want to connect with?

When I say listen, however, I don't just mean to their words. The words that someone is saying is only one small part of what you should be listening to. Body language, tone, and volume can also tell you a lot about the other person, and what they are trying to tell you.

It's amazing that small differences in body language, tone, and volume can produce such varied results. With a small lift in tone at the end, suddenly "Got the ball." becomes "Got the ball?". And that's just the beginning. Tone and volume can tell you if someone is happy, sad, angry, or anything in between. Body language can tell you if the person wants to talk to you (Are they facing you? Away from you? Are they distracted with a book or their phone?).

The same goes for you. If you want to make a connection with someone, make sure that you are giving off all the signals that say you do.

What you're probably doing wrong: There are a couple things here. I've found that when I wasn't paying attention to someone, it was usually because of these reasons:

• Impatiently waiting for them to stop talking so that it can be your turn. This is bad because if you are formulating and preparing your response while they are still talking, it means that you aren't listening to what they are saying.


• Looking at your phone/book/computer. Yes, you're busy. We all are. But to make a connection, sometimes you must make a small sacrifice. Alternatively, this a great method to put to use on someone you'd rather not be associated with.


• Your mind is somewhere else completely. Instead of realizing your co-worker asked you a question, you're trying to remember if you have carpool duty next week.

The Fix: If someone else is talking, listen. Period. Put down the cellphone. Mute/pause the TV. Close the laptop. Focus. This is not the time for multitasking. Make sure your body language tells the other person that you are listening. If you can't make the time to talk and have to use your lunch break to make calls, read, work, whatever, then find a quiet place where no one is likely to bother you. And please, stay out of the break room.

3. Share

In order to have a true connection with someone, there must be a certain amount of sharing on both sides. How much you share directly relates to what kind of relationship you have with the other person. If you're strangers, you might share your name, maybe a hobby or what kind of work you do, for example. Steer clear of typical boring small talk. Share something real, even if it's not big.

You don't want to have a TMI moment, but you do want to share something that is you. Unless you're really into the weather, don't bring it up. "Sure is a hot day today" is small-talk. It's a waste of time. But coming inside from a thunderstorm saying "I just love storms. You can almost feel the electricity in the air!" is a little bit different. It's beyond small-talk because you're talking about something that you feel― something personal to you. It isn't talking just to talk. The great thing about this is that the people around you will either completely agree with you, or think you're a little bit crazy. What they won't feel is that uncomfortable tension that boils down to "why is this person talking to me?"

What you're probably doing wrong: Under- or over-sharing. Talking about your digestive problems to a stranger probably isn't going to get you anything more than a disgusted look or being ignored. Likewise, clinging to typical small talk isn't going to win you any interest points either.

The Fix: Think about the relationship you have with this person. Is it new? Is is professional? Is it familiar? Open yourself up accordingly, but don't think that all relationships must remain on the same level. Say you're wanting to friend a co-worker outside of work. Share some interests you have, see if they have any the same. Listen to the clues they give you. Then invite them to do something outside of work that you think they'd be interested in.

Your Turn

Think back on the last couple conversations you've had. Have you made any of these common mistakes? Which one do you notice happening more often? And what tip are you going to try first? Share in the comments below.

If you enjoyed this article, please consider sharing it to your favorite social network by clicking on the "share" button below.

Photo by Frapestaartje

How to Maintain Your Identity in a "One Size fits All" World

By Kim Thirion

 Just be yourself. 
 
You've probably heard that line pretty often. I know I have, at least. As kids, our parents and teachers encouraged us to be ourselves and to not follow the crowd just for the sake of fitting in (hopefully!). I can't tell you how many times my mother said to me, "If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?"

Despite the fact that the question was usually prompted by my request for some new "cool" gadget or toy, the message was clear— Don't do something just because someone else is. And as annoying as that line was to hear as a child, I fully believe in it now. I've even used it on my two young step-kids a time or two, much to their annoyance.

Be yourself.

We all know this, but yet we still feel that pressure to conform. We see messages every day urging us to "be this" or "have this (you'll be cool)". The media is a prime, and obvious, culprit. Advertising is a lucrative business because it works. They know what you want (not what you say you want) and they know how to manipulate emotions. Prime example: The tobacco industry used media and marketing to make way too many people disregard what cigarettes do to our bodies all in the name of looking "cool". They know we want to be healthy, but they also know that the drive to fit in is overpowering.

But sadly, marketing and media isn't the only source that pressures us to conform. 

 We get pressure from our friends, families, jobs, everywhere. Even when we don't realize it, we're receiving messages to do something, or be a certain way.

Families pressure teens to go to a good college. They pressure young couples to get married, and then they pressure them to have children. Bosses pressure employees to overwork themselves (and many times get very little in return for it, despite the unsaid, but often implied "rise to the top").

We're pressured to raise our kids a certain way, look a certain way, live a certain way, and by all means, we should never do anything that makes us different.

It all boils down to fear. 

Fear of being laughed at. Fear of not being liked. And we're pressured to conform by those who did, because they too are afraid. They are afraid of admitting that they fell for the lie— afraid of being laughed at, of not being liked. Afraid of being wrong.

Are you seeing the pattern here?

What we have to do is move past the fear. Embrace our imperfect selves. Believe in what we can do when society's boundaries are removed.


What to expect in the future from Un-Copied Life:

• Simple ways to express yourself
• Tips on how to discover the hidden you
• Guidance in creating your own identity
• And much more

Don't forget to subscribe by clicking the link above!

Think about how you've been pressured to conform in the past. Tell us about it in the comments.



Photo by GollyGforce

How to Maintain Your Identity in a "One Size Fits All World"

Just be yourself.

You've probably heard that line pretty often. I know I have, at least. As kids, our parents and teachers encouraged us to be ourselves and to not follow the crowd just for the sake of fitting in (hopefully!). I can't tell you how many times my mother said to me, "If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?"

Despite the fact that the question was usually prompted by my request for some new "cool" gadget or toy, the message was clear— Don't do something just because someone else is. And as annoying as that line was to hear as a child, I fully believe in it now. I've even used it on my two young step-kids a time or two, much to their annoyance.

Be yourself.

We all know this, but yet we still feel that pressure to conform. We see messages every day urging us to "be this" or "have this (you'll be cool)". The media is a prime, and obvious, culprit. Advertising is a lucrative business because it works. They know what you want (not what you say you want) and they know how to manipulate emotions. Prime example: The tobacco industry used media and marketing to make way too many people disregard what cigarettes do to our bodies all in the name of looking "cool". They know we want to be healthy, but they also know that the drive to fit in is overpowering.

But sadly, marketing and media isn't the only source that pressures us to conform. 

We get pressure from our friends, families, jobs, everywhere. Even when we don't realize it, we're receiving messages to do something, or be a certain way.

Families pressure teens to go to a good college. They pressure young couples to get married, and then they pressure them to have children. Bosses pressure employees to overwork themselves (and many times get very little in return for it, despite the unsaid, but often implied "rise to the top").

We're pressured to raise our kids a certain way, look a certain way, live a certain way, and by all means, we should never do anything that makes us different.

It all boils down to fear. 

Fear of being laughed at. Fear of not being liked. And we're pressured to conform by those who did, because they too are afraid. They are afraid of admitting that they fell for the lie— afraid of being laughed at, of not being liked. Afraid of being wrong.

Are you seeing the pattern here?

What we have to do is move past the fear. Embrace our imperfect selves. Believe in what we can do when society's boundaries are removed.

What to expect in the future from Un-Copied Life:

• Simple ways to express yourself


• Tips on how to discover the hidden you


• Guidance in creating your own identity


• And much more

Think about how you've been pressured to conform in the past. Tell us about it in the comments.

If you enjoyed this article, please consider sharing it to your favorite social network by clicking the "share" button below.

Photo by GollyGforce