Are You a Can or a Can't?

By Kim Thirion

I've always been a people-watcher.

I've grown quite content to sit quietly watching others interact. You learn so much about people when they aren't paying attention. (All of you would-be stalkers out there, this is not your kind of how-to post, so you can kindly stop reading now). When out to lunch, I'll watch the other customers, not necessarily listening to them, but paying attention to their body language, the way they talk, and how they tackle their problems, the latter being what I want to focus on today. 

Everyone has problems. There is no getting around that fact. Sure, we all get caught up in our own problems, but the reality is that our problems aren't all that special, and most of the time they aren't unique to each of us. As bad as your problem may seem at times, I promise you, there is someone out there who has it much easier than you, and someone out there who has it a hell of a lot harder than you. Occasionally, life throws a doozy at us, and often, our mind set is what will determine just how much of a pain in the ass that problem will become. 

In all of my people-watching, I've noticed that there are two main types of people: those who try, putting all of their effort into solving life's problems, and those who make up stories and excuses and do everything in their power to avoid their problems, hoping someone else will come along and "save" them. 

I affectionately refer to these groups of people as Can's and Cant's, respectively. 

There are two little kids that I know who are perfect examples of Can and Can't types. We'll call them Jon, who is 6, and Carrie, who is 7. Carrie feels that Jon is smarter than she is. And looking on the outside, that's a valid conclusion. He's learning to read faster than she did, and finishes his homework quicker, asking for help less often. But when you really pay attention, one isn't really smarter than the other. They are just different people, who believe very different things about themselves.

When given slightly advanced work (something they haven't learned in school specifically, but is similar enough to what they have learned that they could come to a reasonable answer) they fall right into Can and Can't roles. Jon looks at the paper, concentrates, smiles a bit, and sits down, slowly deliberating over each problem. When finished he brings it back to me for "grading", usually getting a large percentage of the questions right. The problems he often misses are due to not being able to read the directions and guessing at what he's being asked to do. Afterward, he usually feels like he's made a big accomplishment, which he has.

On the other hand, Carrie begins to look worried before even looking at the problems. Once she does look at them, she usually comments something like "Oh this looks hard" and tends to request confirmation that "she's doing it right" after each and every problem. Often times, she starts grumbling or crying when she comes across a problem she doesn't understand right away. She fiddles with her pencil, her clothes, and her paper. She rolls around on the floor in exasperation. She asks for a drink, or starts talking about some off the wall topic. When it comes time for "grading" her paper, she hovers near me, jumping in excitement when she gets a problem correct, but starts to cry again if she see's more than one or two problems marked incorrect. When she misses a problem, it's usually because she wasn't paying attention to the instructions, or was rushing so much that she didn't bother to think through what was being asked of her. When done, her perceived "failures" tend to outweigh her accomplishments.

The difference between the two is confidence. 

And this applies to everyone, not just first and second graders. We can't avoid problems, and letting fear steal your confidence is only going to make them worse. 
So, I thought I'd share with you a few tips to help you move over into the Can category, and leave the Cant's behind for good. 

1. Name the worst possible outcome. And be realistic. In most cases it isn't near as horrible as it seems. Mystery amplifies fear. When you feel that fear creep up on you, call it by it's name. Drag it out of the shadows and expose it. Tell that lurker to beat it, or else. 

2. Focus on what you know, not what you don't. Many times, a solution can be found by applying the knowledge you already have. Lets say you're cooking dinner for a couple friends. You're half-way done and you realize you bought the wrong ingredient. It's too late to go to the store and get what you need. Instead of freaking out, take a deep breath, and see what you can do with what you have. Some of the best meals I've ever made started with a goof. 

3. Accept that you aren't perfect. You'll do things wrong. You'll make mistakes. This is normal. This is how we, you know, learn.

4. Never say "I can't". You are what you think you are. If you always tell yourself you can't do something, you'll be right. But if you always tell yourself you can do something, you'll still be right. The moment you say "I can't" is the moment you admit defeat. You need to ditch Can't for good. What if you really can't do something? Say "I'll learn". And then go Google it, visit the library, take a class, ask a friend. Just don't give up before you even start.

Your turn

What are your Can't triggers?  How do you usually deal with your problems? Discuss in the comments below.


 Photo by Krikit