Are The People In Your Life Ruining Your Self-Esteem?

This is a hard question because it's one many people don't want to look at too closely.

We don't want to admit that a person we care about is bad for us. We don't want to admit that we chose to let the wrong person into our lives. We don't want to let go of something that probably was pretty good at one time or another.

Maybe we know someone toxic, spewing their poison everywhere they go. Or maybe they are a bit more subtle, leaving drops of negativity in sneaky places, making your believe they are your own.

Or it could be that they aren't intentionally hurting you. As busy as life is these days, we're often so preoccupied with our own life that  we're unaware of the feelings of those around us. It's normal. But how much is okay? How long should you hold on to someone who is too busy for you? That's an answer I'm still working on.

But I do know this:

Chances are that you have someone in your life right now that you probably should have let go a long time ago. Tweet this.

And as hard as it can be to deal with this person, as much stress as you feel when they are around you or when you think about them, they actually affect you much more than you might realize. This is where I introduce the concept of the generalized other and the term everybody committee.

The Generalized Other and Your Everybody Committee

When I learned about these concepts, I was flabbergasted. The ideas were so simple, but so true, that I couldn't fathom why it had never occurred to me before. And since learning of these concepts, I have drastically changed how I view the people around me.

So what are they?

The generalized other is a concept that was introduced by George Herbert Mead. It is basically our interpretation of how we think other people expect us to think and act in a situation.

A great example of the generalized other is the WWJD bracelet craze that popped up back in the 90's. If you don't know, "WWJD" stands for "What would Jesus do?" The bracelets were created to be a little reminder to think of how Jesus would want you to act in a situation. This is a classic generalized other.

If you ever ask yourself "What am I supposed to wear?" or "How am I supposed to act?" then you are calling on your knowledge of the generalized other.

Now, a generalized other isn't bad, in fact according to Mead, it's necessary, especially as a child, to learn and adapt to correct behavior and expectations.

But many times we take the generalized other too far, letting it control us too much.

So how do we control it and where do the majority of our notions of the generalized other come from?

This is where your everybody committee comes into play.

I had the pleasure of picking up the November 2012 issue of O Magazine a couple weeks ago and this is how I discovered the concept of everybody committees.

Everybody committee is a term coined by life coach, Martha Beck. And though I'm still learning about this term, I wanted to give you an overview of the idea behind it. You can find the original article on the O Magazine website  if you'd like to read it (which I highly recommend that you do!).

"Your generalized other is actually based on a mental magnification of just a few people, often the most judgmental people you know." — Martha Beck

Beck suggests an exercise where you complete sentences like "Everybody thinks I'm ____"  and then think of a real life person who has actually, word for word, said this to you. There are more examples of this exercise in the original article. I urge you to go read this part at the very least, I can wait.

These people are your everybody committee. Beck says "I believe most of us have very small committees—often just one individual, almost never more than six. Yet we subconsciously project their opinions onto the entire global population."

They are often the most negative or influential people in your life. So when you are feeling frustrated and upset, and you lash out saying something like "I'm tired of everybody _______!" you're saying "everybody" but you're most likely feeling pressure from only one or two people.

Did you get that? Because it's important.

We tend to take the opinion of one person, and put it on everyone. And this is where we get into trouble.

This is where we feel unloved by everyone because one person won't call us back. This is where we get angry at a whole group of people because of one persons stupidity.

But it's also why we might put up with pain longer than we should.

Going back to the negative people in your life - Are these people in your everybody committee? Have you caught yourself blaming "everyone" for something that only they have said or done? Has your self-esteem suffered because of this person?

If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then it's time to look at that relationship and decide if it's worth it to keep them in your life.

Remember:

We only get one life. We shouldn't waste it by defending our choices to everyone, when we should just say goodbye to one person. Tweet this.

I'm still deciding how to handle the people that I've realized are in my everybody committee. Of course, it isn't going to be easy and definitely not painless. But in the long run it will be worth it.

What about you? Did you learn anything new by completing the exercise Beck suggested? Please share you thoughts in the comments below.

Image courtesy of Jamiesrabbits