How to Connect With Anyone (And 3 Things You're Probably Doing Wrong)

I used to be painfully shy.

As a kid, maybe 6 years old, I remember my family taking a vacation to visit my aunt and uncle (my moms sister) who lived in Tennessee. We lived in Florida, and as far as I'm aware, this was the first time we had gone to visit them.

I was scared.

I didn't like new people. And I really didn't like talking to new people. Looking back, I have one distinct memory from that trip: I hid my face behind my arms the whole visit. Anytime anyone would talk to me, they'd get my muffled answer from behind my arms.

Think now, how many times have you done this?

Well maybe not exactly this, but how many times have you essentially hidden yourself and prevented a true connection with others out of fear? It took me a long time to be comfortable enough to not be afraid to strike up a conversation with a stranger.

But sometimes it isn't about strangers. Sometimes, the people you most need (or want) to connect with are people you already know. Maybe you need more connections at work, or you want to expand your social circle in real life rather than online.

Whatever the reason,  here are the 3 most effective techniques to connect with others that have worked for me.

1. Find something you have in common

 "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”
― C.S. Lewis

There may be billions of us on the planet, and we are all different in our unique ways (thankfully!!), but we're bound to find something between ourselves and others that we have in common. Don't feel this has to be something big, because often our similarities end up being the teeniest of things. And oddly enough, I find these to be some of the best connectors.

Imagine the following:

Scenario A: You walk up to the bus stop and wait for the bus to arrive. Someone else is already waiting there. You notice that this person is wearing a [insert uber popular band/artist] t-shirt. You happen to be a huge fan. The artist is popular, so you liking them isn't necessarily unique, but it is something you obviously have in common. The point is here that you may comment on the shirt, or you may not. You probably won't feel compelled to say anything, but you might anyway.

Scenario B: This time, when you look at the other person, they are wearing a [insert non-mainstream, only-has-like-20-followers, basically unheard of band/artist] t-shirt, that you happen to love. You feel this overwhelming desire to talk to this person, and let them know that you too like them and you're so excited to meet someone who actually knows they exist. You can't not say something.

Both scenarios can provide an opening to make a real connection with another person and both are extremely valuable tools in your social toolbox. If you choose to use them.

What you're probably doing wrong: From my experience, the most common problem here is missed opportunity. Most people are so absorbed in their daily goings on that they don't bother to pay attention to what is around them. This means they may not notice an opportunity, even when it's staring them in the face. I can't tell you how many times, I realized a possible connection after the fact when it was much too late.

The Fix: Pay attention. Don't let fear hold you back. Actively look for things you have in common with someone. Comment on it. Don't stop at one person. Keep looking.

2. Listen attentively

Listening is a huge part of truly connecting with someone. How else can you know if they are someone that you'd even want to connect with?

When I say listen, however, I don't just mean to their words. The words that someone is saying is only one small part of what you should be listening to. Body language, tone, and volume can also tell you a lot about the other person, and what they are trying to tell you.

It's amazing that small differences in body language, tone, and volume can produce such varied results. With a small lift in tone at the end, suddenly "Got the ball." becomes "Got the ball?". And that's just the beginning. Tone and volume can tell you if someone is happy, sad, angry, or anything in between. Body language can tell you if the person wants to talk to you (Are they facing you? Away from you? Are they distracted with a book or their phone?).

The same goes for you. If you want to make a connection with someone, make sure that you are giving off all the signals that say you do.

What you're probably doing wrong: There are a couple things here. I've found that when I wasn't paying attention to someone, it was usually because of these reasons:

• Impatiently waiting for them to stop talking so that it can be your turn. This is bad because if you are formulating and preparing your response while they are still talking, it means that you aren't listening to what they are saying.


• Looking at your phone/book/computer. Yes, you're busy. We all are. But to make a connection, sometimes you must make a small sacrifice. Alternatively, this a great method to put to use on someone you'd rather not be associated with.


• Your mind is somewhere else completely. Instead of realizing your co-worker asked you a question, you're trying to remember if you have carpool duty next week.

The Fix: If someone else is talking, listen. Period. Put down the cellphone. Mute/pause the TV. Close the laptop. Focus. This is not the time for multitasking. Make sure your body language tells the other person that you are listening. If you can't make the time to talk and have to use your lunch break to make calls, read, work, whatever, then find a quiet place where no one is likely to bother you. And please, stay out of the break room.

3. Share

In order to have a true connection with someone, there must be a certain amount of sharing on both sides. How much you share directly relates to what kind of relationship you have with the other person. If you're strangers, you might share your name, maybe a hobby or what kind of work you do, for example. Steer clear of typical boring small talk. Share something real, even if it's not big.

You don't want to have a TMI moment, but you do want to share something that is you. Unless you're really into the weather, don't bring it up. "Sure is a hot day today" is small-talk. It's a waste of time. But coming inside from a thunderstorm saying "I just love storms. You can almost feel the electricity in the air!" is a little bit different. It's beyond small-talk because you're talking about something that you feel― something personal to you. It isn't talking just to talk. The great thing about this is that the people around you will either completely agree with you, or think you're a little bit crazy. What they won't feel is that uncomfortable tension that boils down to "why is this person talking to me?"

What you're probably doing wrong: Under- or over-sharing. Talking about your digestive problems to a stranger probably isn't going to get you anything more than a disgusted look or being ignored. Likewise, clinging to typical small talk isn't going to win you any interest points either.

The Fix: Think about the relationship you have with this person. Is it new? Is is professional? Is it familiar? Open yourself up accordingly, but don't think that all relationships must remain on the same level. Say you're wanting to friend a co-worker outside of work. Share some interests you have, see if they have any the same. Listen to the clues they give you. Then invite them to do something outside of work that you think they'd be interested in.

Your Turn

Think back on the last couple conversations you've had. Have you made any of these common mistakes? Which one do you notice happening more often? And what tip are you going to try first? Share in the comments below.

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Photo by Frapestaartje