4 Tips to Beat the Blahs

 

Feeling bored and uninspired by life lately?

I dealt with this not so long ago. I felt bored with everything I did and found myself constantly searching for that "fun" thing that would get me fired up again.

I know I'm not alone in this, so I thought I'd share some of the things that helped get my spark back.

 

1. Do something different.

Sometimes you're in a rut, because you're well, in a rut. Walking the same paths, doing the same things, seeing the same people...

No matter how fun something is at at first, if you do it consistently enough, you run the risk of burnout. Rather than giving up something you once found fun, try doing something different for a while. Spice it up.

Take a new route for your morning walk. Visit a friend you haven't seen in a while. Read a book you wouldn't normally read. Find a way to add something new to your day.

2. Remind yourself of your goals.

How many times have you quit your workout routine out of sheer boredom? I sure know I've done it plenty of times!

But rather than quit, always remember why you're doing this. Never, ever forget your goals, remember how important they are to you, and find a new route to get there.

3. Soak up some sunshine.

Sometimes you just need a bit of sun. While there are cons to getting too much sun, a bit of sun in small doses is great for boosting, not only your mood, but immunity, the quality of sleep, and lowering blood pressure.

Spend some time outdoors playing catch with your kid or take your dog for a walk that's more than just a potty trip. Instead of reading in bed, grab a blanket and find a park with a big shade tree.

4. Take a break.

On the other hand, sometimes the lack of desire to do anything is your brain telling you that it really doesn't want to do anything. We seem to stay so busy these days, focusing so much on maximizing our days, that we hit sensory overload. It might be time to simply do nothing and relax.

Find a quiet place and just spend some time with yourself. Maybe in a quiet park, or a river bank. Or sitting quietly in a library. Pick something that won't stimulate your senses, and just be with yourself, your thoughts. You could also try meditating.

Do you have any tricks that have worked for you?

Image credit: 1 R. Nial Bradshaw; 2 Ralph Bestic

A Scavenger Hunt with Danny Iny

Today's post is going to be a little different.

Danny Iny and the crew over at Firepole Marketing is hosting one hell of a fantastic competition right now. The Great Online Marketing Scavenger Hunt is a 5 week event that has participants completing tasks, earning points, and competing for some really fab prizes.

If you haven't joined yet, but would like to, just click that link above and make sure you mention my player name [Kim Thirion] which will earn me challenge points!

As part of the challenge, participants must create a Tumblr blog to track the challenges we've completed and post screenshots  as "Proof" we've finished the task. You can find my Tumblr here, http://kimthirion.tumblr.com/ and you'll see that I've already begun earning some points!

I hope you'll follow along with my progress! I'd love to win some of those prizes!

 

And I'll return soon with regularly scheduled programming. In the meantime, make sure you're doing something for yourself!

 

5 Truths about Perfection

 



 

You can never be perfect

None of us are perfect— we have our flaws, regrets, and desires. We wish something on our body would look differently than it does. We wish we were smarter, faster, thinner, stronger, more loving. We see all these things we want to change and ridicule ourselves when we can't seem to make them happen. We can't be everything at once, all the time, and for everyone.

If you're a "perfectionist" this may initially sound like a bad thing, but it's not! Let it free you— to open your heart, to feel the embrace of acceptance, and to truly and finally love yourself and those you care for.

Success won't always happen on the first try.

Or the 100th try.

"Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement." (Often attributed to Jim Horning, but according to him the original source is Mulla Nasrudin.)

So you try something and it fails. You start a new diet and on day 2 you eat 5 slices of pizza. You start writing a book, but get stuck and can't decide where to go with it. It doesn't matter what you do, the odds are you're to make a mistake.

The only difference between those who succeed and those who don't is persistence.

There will be things you'll never be able to do.

On the other hand, we won't always be able to perfectly master every single thing we attempt to do. Success isn't synonymous with perfection. You can have success without perfection, and you can have perfection without success. All you need to do it give your best effort and what will happen... will happen.

You can't expect perfection from others

Remember that your ideals and standards are your own. You can't expect someone else to live to yours. Your idea of a perfect afternoon is someone else's exact idea of a perfect hell. Each of us have a personality and set of beliefs unique to us. In your city, in your country or on your street, there might be "socially accepted norms" of how people think and what they believe, but each person interprets these norms in their own way, with their own individual spin.

One surefire path to failure is expecting others to always agree with you, to always know what you're thinking, and to do what you want them to do.

Acceptance is the answer

We have to give up this idea of perfection. Yes, we can strive to do better and be better. Yes, we can see where change needs to be made and put our best effort into making it happen.

What we can't expect is for everything we try to always work. We can't expect to get it all right on the first try. And we can't expect everyone to come along for the ride with us.

By accepting your imperfections, you're giving yourself

permission to try, to experiment, to live.

How many things might you try if failing wasn't a concern? 

Image courtesy of Bruce Berrien

Are You Making These Huge Weight Loss Mistakes?

Did you know that over two thirds of America is overweight?

According to the CDC, the percent of all adults 20 years and older who are overweight (including those considered obese) is a startling  69.2%.

That is just shy of 70%.

70 percent!

That's a whole lot of people, folks.

Now, I'm not going to claim I have the magic weight loss secret. I don't know the magic gym formula. And I can admit that I'm overweight myself.  I don't have magic beans that will whisk the excess pounds away overnight.

But I do know the main reason that most people can't lose the weight, and why the majority of those who do gain it all back.

I can't promise that anything I write here will make you lose weight.

But I can promise that if you keep making these mistakes, you'll never lose the weight— at least not for very long.

So what is the problem?

The problem is you haven't done your homework.

And no, I don't mean researching the best moves or how much to lift or what to eat (Though it wouldn't hurt to do a little bit of that).

What you need to research is yourself. 

I know it's hard. And it might hurt— a lot. You might have to face a few personal demons you'd rather not face.

But if you skip this step, you're no different than a hamster running in its wheel: You're doing a hell of lot of work and getting absolutely nowhere.

It's time to stop wasting your time.

It's time to figure out what is holding you back.

Mistake #1: You want to lose weight for the wrong reasons

“How different our lives are when we really know what is deeply important to us, and keeping that picture in mind, we manage ourselves each day to be and to do what really matters most.” ~Stephen Covey

While there is no universal "right" reason to lose weight, there is a right reason for you.

You can't borrow someone else's reason for losing weight and be successful at it.

I see so many people fall into the trap of believing that getting healthy is the only acceptable reason to lose weight.

Screw that.

Every reason is the right reason. They're just not all your reasons.

You want to be able to run a marathon? Great.

You want to look like sex goddess? Fantastic.

You want to fit in skinny jeans and knee-high boots? Awesome.

You want to get big pair of arm guns? Go for it.

It doesn't matter what your reason is. It matters that you know what it is, that you embrace it, and you milk it for all that it's worth.

And when you find and accept the true reason you want to lose weight, you'll find that it come with it's own set of motivational tools. And you can't access these tools if you're working with a borrowed reason.

Mistake #2: You don't know why you gained weight.

To get the weight off, you have to know why you gained it in the first place.

First, rule out medical issues. Some people have a honest to goodness medical reason for their weight gain. And if left undiagnosed, no amount of effort on their part will change things.

But that's not the case for the majority of us.

So we have to go digging around our minds and our pasts to find culprit. This is the hard part. This is the painful part. But this is, and I can't stress this enough, one of the most important things we must do.

Do you overeat or binge? Do you crave that rush of pleasure at the first bite of your favorite dish? If so, why? Are you lacking in pleasure in the rest of your life? Does your life feel out of control and the only place you can find control is choosing what to put in your mouth?

Are you scared that exercise will hurt? Have you had bad experiences with exercise or trainers? If so, do some research, start easy, and don't jump in thinking that you have to be able to do 100 squats on the first day. What other ways can you overcome your fears?

Do you think it's all or nothing? That one bite of candy means your day is ruined. Not true. Think of your effort like a bank. Exercise puts money in, food takes money out. If you put in $300 dollars and splurge on a purse for $50, is your bank account automatically useless? No, you still have $250 to spend. I'm not saying to spend all your money. I'm saying that one little snack will never cash out all the effort you put in. But multiple daily snacks will. Keep your perspective!

Are your parents overweight? Were you taught healthy habits growing up? It's never to late to learn.

Were you bullied? Do you have zero self-esteem? Do you feel you really can't do this? You can. You absolutely can. You just have to want it bad enough and find what truly motivates you. Even proving others wrong is a dandy reason if it gets you off the couch! (Although secretly, the only one you'll truly be proving wrong is yourself. Which is way better.)

Do you ever get off the couch? Do you get enough sleep? Are you drinking too many sugary drinks? Are you letting your environment aid you in playing the victim?

I can keep going all day with questions. And so should you. Keep asking. Keep looking.

Mistake #3: Weight loss isn't a priority.

“Motivation is a fire from within. If someone else tries to light that fire under you, chances are it will burn very briefly.” ~Stephen R. Covey

When the topic of weight loss comes up, what is your automatic response?

"I don't have time. I'm too busy." 

"I don't have the money for healthy food."

"I don't have access to equipment."

Blah. Blah. Blah. Pardon my language, but I'm calling bullshit.

Those are excuses.

You might be busy, but you are not too busy. Dont you make the time to brush your teeth so your teeth don't rot out? Don't you make the time to eat, so you aren't sick from hunger? You make the time for what is important to you. 

You don't have money for healthy food? Fine. Define "healthy food". You don't need to eat only salads and salmon. You don't need to buy expensive organic produce. All you need to do is cook 90% of your meals at home. Buy less prepackaged food. Make sure you're getting enough fiber (it helps keep you feeling full). Don't drink your calories. If you're eating out 3 or more days a week, you can afford to eat healthy, you're just choosing not to.

You don't have access to equipment? Who cares? You don't need equipment. Your body is all you need. You don't need a treadmill, go for a walk. Cold? Wear a jacket. Rainy? Bring an umbrella. You don't need weights, your own body weight is all most of us will need. We're trying to lose weight here, not become Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Bored with walking and squats? Fine. The internet is filled with free resources. Want to change up your workout? Find a new video on youtube. Check out Sparkpeople — They'll tailor-make a program for you, including meal plans, articles, videos and forums absolutely free. You really don't need money to lose weight.

So the next time weight loss comes up in conversation and you find yourself wanting to throw out your usual excuse— don't.

Instead, I want you to tell the truth.

"Weight loss is not a priority for me right now."

Because that is the truth.

It all boils down to you.

Every single one of these mistakes are connected by the same thread— They're all about knowing who you are, why you do what you do, and what you really want for yourself. And if you don't know, you won't get far.

Please make sure you've taken the time to answer the questions I've suggested here and really think about what they all mean to you. And don't be afraid to ask your own questions. Always ask questions.

 

Note: The topic of weightloss is one I haven't really covered on Un-Copied Life before and I want to know if you'd like to read more in this area. Your likes, tweets, +1's and comments are a fantastic way of letting me know you want more of something. And of course, if you know someone who could use this information, please consider sharing this post with them.

Image courtesy of Alan Cleaver

How to Love When It's the Last Thing You Want to Do (Fight Back With Love Pt 2)

Last week, we talked about 10  Ways to Fight Back With Love when life is throwing punches at us. This week, I'm expanding on that post to show you how to accomplish these things, because, sometimes loving is the hardest thing to do.

You can click the link above to read the whole article, but I summed up the 10 Ways in the perfectly pinnable graphic below.



So how do you actually do these things?

Be Mindful

Stop.

Breathe.

Think.

Pay attention to your emotions and the feelings rushing through you. Force yourself to acknowledge any negative feelings. Recognize and name them - anger, frustration, annoyance, whatever. When you do this, when you call out those emotions, you have two choices: You can continue the behavior and give in to the feelings, possibly doing something you'll regret later. Or you can recognize the slippery slope you're on, decide you're better than that, and take back control of your life!

Don't Be Afraid

Whether it's fear of change or fear that you won't succeed, if you give in to it, you'll be right. If you believe you can't do it, you won't do it. It really is that simple. In order to succeed at anything, you must first try.

Think About the Other Person

It's so easy to get caught up in your own life, after all, it is the only life you know. But it is important to take a step back sometimes, and try to see things from the other persons point of view. If someone is being particularly hostile toward you, but you can't think of any reason they'd be angry at you, consider that, well, they might not be angry at you. Maybe they've had a supremely awful day, and you just happen to be the person around to receive all their emotional shrapnel.

Consider what might have happened to make them so upset. Maybe they are arguing with a loved one? Maybe someone has hurt them deeply and anger is the only response they know? Maybe all they need is a reminder that someone  cares about them?

You can always ask them what is bothering them (one way of showing you care), but if you aren't comfortable with that yet, simply imagine things that might make them act negatively. It doesn't really matter if it's true, because, often simply the possibility of it, is enough to trigger compassion toward them.

Give Up Needing to "Win"

You're right. They're wrong. Therefore, you need to "win" the argument, right?

Wrong.

How many times have you won an argument, but still came out of it feeling like you lost? This is because no ever really wins an argument. By getting your way, someone else loses, and is possibly hurt in the process. When we give in to anger, we're really giving ourselves to it. It leads the show, and it has only one objective: getting what it wants. It doesn't care what it has to do  to get it, and tt doesn't care who gets hurt in the process. But once the objective has been obtained, the anger steals away into the night, leaving you to clean up the mess.

Accept that losing an argument is better than losing (or hurting) someone you love. Stop what you're doing, and tell them you love them, and it's not worth the argument.

Decide That Love is What You Want to Do

I'm not sure who initially said it, and I've heard many versions of it, but always keep this in mind:

"Do not give up what you want most, for what you want now."— Unknown.

We're all very good at making plans and deciding we want something. We want something so badly, we set goals, we make a plan. And then we give up at the first hurdle.

If you care about something enough to work it into you life, then care about it enough when times are hard.

Love, even when it's hard.

What is one way you want to remind yourself to love?

 

10 Ways to Fight Back With Love

Note: The logo vote was incredibly fun! You can see the winning logo above, which won by a large majority! I want to send out a huge thanks to all of you who voted! Now, on with the show.

 

The majority of my life could be categorized into two ways: Offensive Mode and Defensive Mode.

As a kid, beginning in elementary school, I was completely in Defensive Mode. I was shy and bullied - not a great combination for building self-esteem. I always felt that I had to defend myself and my choices to everyone. It didn't help that I wanted to be different, for sure.

I recall one 3rd grade morning recess with clarity.

I had been minding my own business, sitting alone and building a sand castle in the dirt (not a sandbox). Two girls walk up to me (they were known as the mean girls) and glare at me. One says "Look how stupid she is, sitting in the dirt." The other says, "You like dirt so much? Here's some dirt." And they both proceed to kick dirt on me.

It only lasted a few minutes, and I wasn't physically harmed, but that moment was one of the first in a string of incidents that molded my defensive behavior. In the moment, I wasn't defensive. If anything, I was merely submissive. Letting them do what they wished, in the hope they would get bored and move on. It worked, but it left me always wanting to scream "I'm not stupid!" or whatever was the choice adjective of the day.

To this day, being called any version of "stupid", being wrong, or making mistakes still makes me cringe. I've come a long, long way from that day, but I will be the first to admit, it's hard to turn off certain reactions.

I retaliated by proving that I wasn't stupid. I focused on my school work, acing class after class, bemoaning anything lower than a A. I graduated 9th in my class.  This was my defensive period. This was my way of saying "You're wrong, damn it!"

But when high school rolled around, I finally realized that defense wasn't any good without a great offense. And thus began my "Fuck the world" phase.

I never fell toward drugs or alcohol as many teens do, but I did become angry. Or well, I alternated between anger and apathy. If it didn't anger me, or prove my point, I didn't care. I lost a couple friends this way, but I didn't care then— I was angry. Sometimes, it felt like I would go out of my way to make people not like me. Because I was different, damn it. I don't need you to like me.

So what does all this have to do with you?

Everything or nothing. I tell you this story because I know there are so, so many of us out there who have been bullied, picked on, and made to feel like we're wrong for wanting to be different. There are many who are overweight, born different, look different, talk different. There are many who have their differences inside, and so, so many who have their differences on the outside. We have ailments, and diseases, allergies,and preferences. And there are so many who like to point out those differences and make us feel bad for it.

I tell you this story, because many of us get caught up in Defense/Offense Mode and we forget that there is another option— Love.

1. Rather than trying to convince someone how awesome you are, love yourself.

2. Rather than being angry at others, love them. You don't know what they're going through.

3. Instead of hiding your differences, love them. Unique isn't wrong, it's beautiful.

4. When someone tries to degrade your worth, remind yourself how much you love yourself. Yours is the only opinion that matters.

5. When you're hurt or sad, rather than lashing out, love yourself. Your own love is the best love.

6. When you insult yourself, correct it by reminding yourself how much you love you.

7. When you feel the urge to gossip, ask yourself if love is involved. Spite, jealousy, and resentment are enemies of love.

8. When you want to scream at someone, tell them you love them instead.

9. When someone is screaming at you, tell them you still love them.

10. No matter what, always, always love yourself. If you can love yourself, nothing else matters.

 

How are you going to spread some love in the world today?

Image courtesy of: Marc Falardeau

 

Vote for Our New Logo!

I hope all of you are enjoying a happy and unique Sunday!

So what is it that has brought another Sunday post your way? Our logo!

You may have noticed that the website looks slightly different. That's because I changed themes due to an error with the last one that couldn't be resolved with the maker of the theme. I love the new theme, so I count this as a win.

The only problem is now the logo just doesn't look quite right. So, I set out to create a new logo... but I have a problem.

I can't decide which logo to pick.

So I decided to let my readers vote on the new logo.

The Logos

Logo 1 has simple circles with our original tagline and a new font.

 

 



Logo 2 has nested circles with new tagline, new font, and a black border (border can be removed if preferred.

 

 



Logo 3 has simple lines with a nested circle, new tagline, and original font. No outside border.

 

 

To Vote:

The votes will be based solely on the combination of Facebook "likes" and Google +1's on each individual photo. To cast your vote, simply follow the links below and "like" or +1 any of the logos that you like. You can vote for more than one and you can vote on both Facebook and Google+. The winning logo will be the one with the most votes combined from both places.
Voting will run until 11:59pm EST on Tuesday, January 15th. The winning logo will be announced on Thursday, January 17th.

Notes (Please read before voting!):

1. The logos aren't necessarily a final product. Feel free to comment on the logos you vote for to say if there is something about it that just doesn't seem to work. I can modify small parts. So vote for the overall look of each logo.

2. Some of the logos have introduced a new tagline for the site. I am hoping to expand the content on Un-Copied Life in the future to include a broader range of topics, but still centering on being unique and doing life your way. The new tagline is meant to show this. Please note your thoughts on the tagline in the comments below.

3. To vote on Facebook click here.

4. To vote on Google+ click here.
I can't wait to see which one you pick! Let the voting begin!

How to Turn Judgement Into Acceptance

The world is full of judging.

We judge our situations so that we can decide if they're safe. We judge acts to determine if they are crimes. We judge relationships to see if they are healthy for us.

Every single decision we make is based on a judgement of some sort.

We buy a specific car because we judge it to to fit with our required safety/economical/vanity/etc categories. We choose to read a book because we judge it to be a likely candidate to entertain us.

But we also judge others to be wrong, and ourselves to be right, even when a clear right/wrong line isn't established. We judge others based on their behavior, their choices, their actions. And we also judge them based on their income, their sex, their nationality, their religion. We, as a society, as a whole, do this.

Judging is everywhere, and dare I say, necessary. But before you judge me for that statement, let me elaborate.

Though that idea may seem to clash with the ideas behind Un-Copied Life, like individuality and acceptance, I maintain that the two sides aren't mutually exclusive.

While judgement does seem to be the nemesis of acceptance, and it certainly can be, I do feel that we can find a healthy balance between the two.

And I'll show you how, but first I want to look at some of the reasons we judge.

1. We judge for safety/mechanical/logical reasons. 

These reasons are the absolutely necessary ones. An example from above would be buying a car. We judge it to fit our requirements of what we need and want in a car. Or judging a situation to be physically safe. Or judging a cliff too dangerous to stand on. Judging crimes would also fall into this category. Despite the many failures of our judicial system, they are indeed necessary. Though these types are important, they will not be the main focus of this post. 

 

2. We want to establish a difference between ourselves and the other party.

When we see something we disagree with, the desire to separate ourselves from it is in our nature. And believe it or not, it actually goes back to "fitting in". We draw back from this thing we disagree with, sidling up with our beliefs and those who agree with us. Strength in numbers, after all. And we even try to use those numbers as "proof" that we're right.

Separation, in and of itself, isn't all that bad. The problem arises when we get into "Right/Wrong" mode. We start throwing insults, either directly or through veiled insinuations, and what happens is everyone winds up stressed and feeling alienated.

3. We see negative qualities of ourselves in someone else, but don't want to admit it.

Have you ever gone on a diet? You're sitting there at work, it's lunchtime and you're munching away on your third tasteless salad of the  week. You look over and see the "chubby girl" chowing down a slice of pizza. You immediately jump to thoughts of how horrible she is and how great you are because, "Hey, I'm the one eating the salad!" Except, you'd almost be willing to give your right kidney for a slice of that pizza right now.

The truth is that you're resentful of your diet, but rather than admit it, you project your negative feelings onto someone else, to make you feel better.

So, what do we do about it?

How do we reconcile our nature to judge with our need to be a better, more caring person?

Here's how:

1. Consider what you may not know.

In the lunch break/pizza scenario above, what you didn't know is that the "chubby girl" is busting her butt to lose weight. She has woken up an hour early every day to exercise for the last 3 months and has managed to lose 25 lbs. And that's the first slice of pizza she's eaten in six months.

Consider the quote:

"We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions"
— Ian Percy

We can't know everything about someone. We don't know what goes on in their heads and we don't know why the make the decisions they do.

We don't know the history that brought them to the moment to make a choice in their life. So, how can we justify judging them based solely on what we see or hear?

Consider how it makes you feel when someone incorrectly judges you? Don't you want the chance to defend yourself?

Wouldn't it be easier to skip the judgement altogether?

2. Practice acceptance.

Practice building your acceptance muscle. Acceptance is the way to merge two opposing ideas. Accept that the other person is different. They have their own history, their own goals, and their own desires.

There is no right and wrong. There is no better or worse. There is only what is. And it isn't up to you to change that person to your way of thinking.

“It's not given to people to judge what's right or wrong. People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong.”
― Leo Tolstoy

And as I've said before, acceptance doesn't mean you agree with the other person, it simply means that you recognize that what is best for one, isn't automatically what is best for all.

3. Be willing to learn

Be open to learning about yourself and about others. If something bothers you, find out why. Read, ask questions (politely!), do what you have to in order to learn. Often, you'll find that your differences aren't as clear-cut as you think they are.

Be open to seeing the other side of the argument. Of course, this is sometimes much harder in practice than in theory. Know that. Don't shy away from what you don't know because it will be difficult.

“Judging others makes us blind, whereas love is illuminating. By judging others we blind ourselves to our own evil and to the grace which others are just as entitled to as we are.”
― Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Image courtesy of David Goehring

 

Your Road Map to Success (Plus A Sneak Peek At What's Coming Soon)

It's a new year, and whether you've made a resolution or not, I know you have some things you'd really like to accomplish this year. Maybe this is the year you're hoping to fit into those skinny jeans again or maybe you really want to find a new job. Maybe you'll be planning a wedding like I will be.

Or hey, maybe you just want to remember what your house looks like clean. (Been there!)

Whatever it is that you'll be working toward this year, there are a few common hangups that can turn your road to success into a road to nowhere.

Here's how to ensure you make it to your desired destination:

1. Check your luggage.

We all have attachments — to things we like, to things we don't like and attachments to ideas, thoughts, actions, and beliefs. But rather than carry them around like a badge of honor, check them. Like a coat at a fancy party. Or a piece of luggage too large to carry on. Rather than lugging a suitcase around all night, stow the bugger away and move on.

Take notice of things that give you pause or make you second-guess yourself:

• Words like can't, won't, too hard, too long, I don't know


• Wishing things were different


• Fear of the unknown


• "shoulds and have to's"


• Pleasing others


• Not wanting to do something for yourself

If you need them, you can always get them back, but enjoy some time without the weight of them weighing you down. You'll never guess where you might end up!

2. Know where you're coming from

In order to not get all tripped up this time, you need to know what tripped you up the last time. Banana peels, trip wires, booby traps... only you know what yours are.

Spend time getting to know them.

• What makes you give in to unhelpful desires?


• What makes you disregard or ignore goals you've set for yourself?


• What keeps you from getting back up when you fall down?


• What are things that come up repeatedly?

Success is knowing what  doesn't work as well as what does.

3. Know where you are at all times.

If you don't know where you're at, how do you know you aren't indeed lost? Or walking in a circle for the fifteenth time?

• Be aware of your emotions, resistances, and desires


• When you feel these things, try to figure out why you feel them


• Stop and correct course if needed


• Don't be afraid to change things up

Don't go overboard with it, but always have a general idea of where you're at in whatever it is that you're working on.

4. Have fun

What good is a journey if it isn't fun? Find a way to turn it into a game or challenge. Join up with someone who can make you laugh. It doesn't matter, just have fun with it!

If you can find a way to enjoy the not so great tasks in life, imagine what you can do with the already fun parts?

Now for the Sneak Peek!

Last week, I told you there would be several surprises to come in 2013, and I'm busy scribbling away at one of the first that will be released this year.

This first surprise is called 52 Little Ways and will come to you in the form of a book. I don't want to reveal too much just yet, but it's going to be a wonderful little inspirational tool that you can come back to over and over.

I will reveal more information about 52 Little Ways as the month presses on, but if you want to guarantee that you're in the loop, make sure you're subscribed by filling out that little form over there on the right (subscribers also get a free copy of Mindful You: Beginners Guide + Workbook).

Next week, I'll share with my subscribers how they can try to snag a free copy of 52 Little Ways for themselves. Please note, this will not be shared on the blog, so if you're interested, make sure you subscribe!

Until then, I hope you're new year is starting off great!

Image courtesy of Moyan Brenn

Reflecting On a Great Year and Plans For the New Year

 

Merry Christmas Eve Eve!

And for those not celebrating Christmas, Happy Sunday!

Because, yes, it's Sunday and I usually post on Tuesday. I decided to post today, because I know a whole lot of you are going to be super busy tomorrow and Tuesday, opening presents, savoring the delight on childrens faces, and eating way too many holiday desserts (shh, I won't tell!)

And this is always a great time to look back on our accomplishments this year. Sure you probably didn't meet every single goal you set 12 months ago, but who cares? I know I didn't read the 52 books I arrogantly vowed to read, I didn't finish that novel I've been writing for years.

But the goal isn't always what is important. Sometimes, the anticipation, the desire, the planning is what you really need. Failing to complete all your goals does not mean failure.

Did you learn anything this year? Did you figure out a way to do something better or differently?

Remember:

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work" —Thomas Edison

Think about the wonderful things you did accomplish this year.

My list of accomplishments include:

• Realizing that I have so much more to say than I ever dreamed.


• Deciding to start a real blog.


• Actually creating said blog.


• Developing my philosophical/religious self


• Finding a novel plot that just might keep my interest long enough to finish writing it


• Realizing my mulitpotentiality thanks the fabulous Emilie Wapnick.


• Meeting some amazing other writers on Google+ (Yes, this means you Bliss Morgan, Heather Dudley, Karen Woodward, Laura Klein, Lewis Miranda, and oh so many others!)


• Meeting some wonderful A-Listers like Bobbi Emel, Leah McClellan, CJ and Tammy, and so many more!

I know you have an amazing list as well!

And what about 2013?

I know I have a long list there as well, the entirety of which I won't bore you with, but here are a few you might be interested in:

• Writing an eBook for Un-Copied Life


• Finishing my novel


• Creating an email course for Un-Copied Life


• Creating several more freebies for my awesome followers

Things will definitely be getting exciting around here!

Which brings me nicely to my next point.

I know some of you probably have noticed already, but in case you haven't (or you're reading this in your email), there are now two lovely new items displayed in the sidebar.

First, I have release the very first freebie for blog subscribers!

It's called Mindful You: Beginners Guide and Workbook. For the most part, it's a compilation of the mindfulness series I did a while back, but it's been put together in pdf format with workbook questions that you can conveniently download onto your computer. (For those already subscribed, I will be sending you a separate email with the link to the download, so make sure to keep an eye out for it!).

As I said, this is absolutely free, but it's only available for subscribers. To subscribe just fill out the subscribe form in the orange bar at the top of the page or the form on the right. (email readers click here)

And second, you'll notice a banner on the right for an absolutely wonderful writing course called The Fast Track To Polished Prose by Leah McClellan. I'm a member of this course, and I can tell you, it's absolutely worth the price. If you are a fellow writer, blogger, or need to brush up on your writing skills for work or school, then you should really check out this course. You can either click on the image below or head over to the new Products & Services page if you'd like to read my disclaimer on affiliate relationships.



Now, I'm off to bake a Pecan Pie and a yummy hash brown casserole for my family's Christmas dinner tomorrow night. I hope all of you are enjoying your holidays, which ever ones they may be!

Let me know in the comments, your top moments of 2012. And what things do you most want to accomplish in 2013?

Make 2013 A Bang From Beginning To End

Ah, it's that time of year again...

Celebrations, family, joy, food, giving, and New Years resolutions. Yes, the dreaded New Years resolution (or much anticipated for a small few).

There are many that claim these resolutions are doomed from the start, and in reality most resolutions never see the bright red hearts of February.

But is it really that we can't keep resolutions, impossible even?

Call me an optimist, by I say no. I say that it's entirely possible...

If you're prepared.

So, what can you do to prepare for 2013? 

Start with the end in mind

Most resolutions fail because they are simply not created with any kind of staying power. So, you've been a smoker for twenty years, but you think you're going to quit cold turkey and succeed? It's certainly possible, but the statistics are weighing heavily against you.

Instead, decide that you will be 100% smoke-free by December 31st. Smoke a pack a day? Decide that you will be down to half a pack by June 30th. And so on and so on. Yes, it make take you an entire year to quit, but isn't that still faster than waiting for another New Years to roll around?

Instead of starting the year off with lofty goals, that even you admit are unlikely, start with a plan. Decide when you want your goal to be completed by, write it down, and mark off a half-way point as well. This will give you some freedom with your goals, enough time to correct should you get off track, and it sets the stage for making lasting habit changes in your life.

Make a list

Start with a big list, with no rules save one, they should all be something that you absolutely want  to do. No making resolutions just because everyone else is. No deciding to do things you know you absolutely won't do.

You can include big things, and little things, job things, and home things. Whatever, as long as you want it enough to work for it.

Not a list maker? Go ahead and try it anyway. What you're doing isn't working, right? Time to try something new.

Ditch that all or nothing thinking

You're going to falter at some point (or several). You're going to fall off the wagon. But you just gotta get back on and hold on a little tighter. Life isn't a football game or a game show. Losing weight or quitting cigarettes is not a pass/ fail, win/lose scenario. As long as you're making even teeny, tiny steps toward your goal, you're winning.

This is a marathon, not a sprint.

Too many of us think that the road to success is a straight shot, but that couldn't be further from the truth. In reality the road to success looks more like a bowl of spaghetti, twisting and turning, even curling back in on itself, with a few misleading straight shots in between.

[caption id="attachment_569" align="aligncenter" width="553"] The Road to Success[/caption]

 

Have fun

If it's not fun, you're doing it wrong. Even the most painful, boring, or loathesome of tasks can be made fun. If you're trying to lose 30lbs, but the thought of hitting the treadmill again makes you want to cry, then don't! Go outside, play a game, take a hike. Turn up the stereo, grab a kitchen spoon, and make like Mick Jagger. If you can find a way to make things fun, you'll keep doing them.

Now I have a favor to ask you.

Part of my 2013 bucket list includes a lot of changes to Un-Copied Life, including some freebies (one of which you'll get to see before the end of 2012!), an e-course, and more!

All, I need you to do is tell me what topics you'd be most interested in. You can do so by filling out this survey. It's quick (only 7 questions!) and your information will not be shared with anyone. The information will be used only to help me get a better idea of the types of things you'd be most interested in seeing on the blog in the coming year.

Please note that all questions are required to be answered before you can proceed to the next page. If you absolutely can not think of an answer to the question, simply enter n/a into the box.

Thank you so much for all the support you have shown me this year. Here's to making 2013 a bang from beginning to end!

Click here to take the survey.

What's on your 2013 bucket list? Share in the comments below.

Image 1 courtesy of Lori Ann

3 Signs You're Letting The Past Hold You Back

 

Are you chronically stuck in the past? Are you allowing your history to knock your present off track, much like a skipping record? That's the question I'm posing today.

First, I think it's important to note that while the things that happened to you in the past are distinct, individual moments in time, the idea of "the past" has no such distinction. It is impossible to completely compartmentalize the people and events from your past. Because, even if you no longer think of a specific moment in time, it is still there. You may never on call on the memory of it, but in some way it either a) taught you something, or b) reinforced something you already believed, effectively planting itself in your present, whether you know it or not.

In the words of Anthropology and Social Sciences Professor, Michel-Rolph Trouillot:

"But the past does not exist independently from the present. Indeed, the past is only past because there is a present, just as I can point to something over there only because I am here. But nothing is inherently over there or here. In that sense, the past has no content. The past -- or more accurately, pastness -- is a position. Thus, in no way can we identify the past as past." — Michel-Rolph Trouillot

This is all to say, there is no way to completely extinguish your past from your now, even if you're a completely different person than you used to be.

A former drug addict might beat the addiction and become a stand-up, honest, law-abiding citizen, which are seemingly on opposite ends of the spectrum. But his past, the desire to overcome, the desire to change, and the desire to be better, all would come together to allow him to be this new person. There might be millions of stand-up, honest, law-abiding citizens in the world, but none would exactly like him, because they didn't share his unique past.

However, there is a difference between the natural fusion of past and present, and allowing the past to dictate your life.

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?" —Mary Manin Morrissey

But how do you know if your past is overtaking your present?

3 Signs You're Letting The Past Hold You Back

1. You cling to nostalgia

Do you find that much of your free thoughts are spent thinking about good old days? No matter how old we are, we all have periods of time in our lives that we feel were pretty great or special. The problem is when we begin to wish we could go back or attempt to recreate that time in our current life.

I've tried this in my life, and I can tell you it doesn't work. People are constantly morphing into new people - we get older, our habits change, our friends change, our beliefs about ourselves and others change - and attempting to force people and situations into what they once were is a recipe for failure.

Try this instead: Think about what it is that is drawing your back to that particular time. Maybe you crave a particular kind of happiness or closeness. Maybe you had a lot of friends, but don't anymore, and you miss the busyness of going out with friends. Figure out what it truly is that you miss, and then find a way to get it in your current life.

For example, if you moved across the country, but you realize that you're always thinking about your old group of friends because you miss the companionship of always having someone to talk to, then you could find a way to meet people. Maybe try out a class or make a promise to say hi to three new people a day. You never know where a connection will be made.  And instead of making yourself miserable wishing you hadn't moved, you're out making new friends.

And keep in mind, that the problem with living in the past and trying to live someone else's life is that neither of these people are you. Tweet this.

 2. You are hurt by imagined wrongs.

Has a friend ever said something that you took as an insult, but was in no way meant to insult you? Maybe they commented on the size of your house and you immediately thought they were calling your house small. Maybe it pisses you off when your mother-in-law stops by and goes right to cleaning your kitchen, because you feel she's silently saying that you aren't doing your job of keeping the house clean.

As a kid, I was bullied and called stupid a lot (even though I was far from it). This transferred into my adult life via anger and embarrassment any time I got something wrong - that irrational feeling of being stupid would always show up.

Try this instead: Look at the situation objectively. Is this person really trying to insult you, or is something from your past trying to bubble up. If you can recognize that the latter is happening, you can stop it. Remind yourself that you are not what this emotion is telling you. Try to think why this person is saying what they're saying. Maybe your mother-in-law isn't making a statement about your cleanliness - maybe she noticed that you have a toddler clinging to your hip while cooking dinner and thought she'd help out and take one task off your to-do list.

I should note that sometimes things are indeed meant as insults. But remember, you control whether or not the insults hit their mark. Your reaction determines whether the person is shooting bullets or shooting blanks.

3. You continue the same thought and action patterns despite knowing they aren't working for you.

The past is familiar. And we tend to like what is familiar. Only sometimes, familiar is what gets us into predicaments.

Take weight loss, for instance. Have you ever tried to lose weight, but get caught up in resentment, toward those to seemingly get to eat whatever they want or toward your younger body that never used to gain weight. We begin to get frustrated when we aren't losing fast enough, and then give up. We do this again and again, ad infinitum, and come to the conclusion that it can't be done.  Except our conclusion is based on faulty logic, incomplete data, and half-hearted attempts.

Try this instead: Instead of basing decisions on past occurrences, take note of the facts (not opinions) about the current situation. Instead of relying on what you think you know, take the time to really look objectively at the situation. Using the example from above, instead of assuming you just can't lose weight, look at the steps that got you there. Did you really eat as well as you thought? Or did you happen to "forget" the nights of snacking in front of the tv?  Keep analyzing everything until you get down to the root of the problem. It's not that you couldn't lose weight, it's that you couldn't lose weight doing what you were doing.

So, borrowing from the Morrissey qoute above, What is it you would let go of today? What is holding you back that you would let go of today? 

Image Source Credit  Image quote by Dennis Waitley

 

The Overdoer's Guide to Getting Things Done

I am always doing way too many things at once. I often find myself reading several books at once, researching several things at a time - often of varying subjects, and multi-tasking all day long. If I'm watching tv, I'm also online. While I'm cooking I'll be doing calf raises or wall pushups in between stirring. I never have less than 3 tabs open on my browser, and I'm currently signed up for 2 online courses (both voluntary) and working through one workbook. Then I have to add in required things like cleaning, working, exercising, grocery shopping and making sure the kids aren't killing each other.

Sound familiar?

With a list like this, I sound like SuperWoman, right? Except that I'm not.

Because what happens when you put more on your plate than your mind can handle?

Overwhelm.

And what do you get done when your overwhelmed? Nothing. Or at least nothing of quality.

When I sit down to work, I start with a mental list of things in my head. One by one the tasks start coming, slowly at first, and then faster, until I have a jumble of things that need to be done and nowhere near enough time to do them all.

• I need to write a post.


• I need to finish my manifesto.


• I need to work on the courses I'm in.


• Which remind me I need to work on planning my own course.


• And oh, the workbook. I really need to work on it too.


• And on and on.

When I sit down with completely free time - nothing to cook, nothing that needs written immediately, nothing to clean - I'll say to myself, "Ok, what now?" The list of thoughts then looks like:

• Free time! What game shall I play?


• Wait, I can't play a game, I should really write another post, get ahead of schedule.


• But the manifesto isn't complete.


• And I still have courses to finish.


• And I still have planning to do.


• Ugh, and I gotta make a grocery list for tomorrow.


• And I still have to...

And on and on it goes. You may not be doing the same tasks as me, but I bet if I erased my tasks and asked you to put yours in, you'd have zero problems filling in the blanks... you might even need more blanks.

The problem with all of this, is not just that we've overbooked ourselves, but also that it's damn near impossible to do one task when you're worried about another. Nothing ever gets done. You keep worrying about what needs to get done. You try again, and the evil cycle continually repeats itself.

So what do you do about it?

 

The Overdoer's Guide to Getting Things Done

1. Start with a list. This list should include everything you need to start, everything you need to finish, and everything in between. Work stuff. Family stuff. Personal stuff. It all goes on the list. So take your time with it. And every time you have the thought "But I really need to do ___", just add it to the list.

2. Cull this list. You and I, both, know this list contains way more than you can feasibly do in a day or a week... maybe even a month, depending on what's on your list. Now is the time to admit that to yourself. It will save you a lot of worry and stress later on. It's time to thin the ranks. Items to really pay attention to:

• Items solely for the purpose of making people like you. This list should only contain things that are for, and that will benefit, you. Going out of your way in order to change the way someone thinks of you is not only time consuming, it's time wasting.


• Excessive volunteering. Helping others is wonderful- but not when you're overloaded. Save it for when you've gotten a handle on your current schedule. If you must include some volunteering, keep it to a minimum and don't sign up for the biggest, most time consuming task available.


• Items that truly aren't necessary. Signed up for yet another pointless class/webinar/subscription that you can already predict what they're going to tell you? Cut them off now! Keep in mind that some "fun" is necessary. Just keep things proportional. An 80/20 ratio of work/fun is a good start. For you workaholics, 20%  may sound like a lot of fun time, but it's essential. It will help prevent burnout and overwhelm, and keep you happier. And as a bonus, happier people tend to do better work, faster.

3. Order your list. You should now have a list of items that are: important, beneficial to you, and necessary for the life that you desire. But to get the most out of your list, it should be in the right order.

• Start with the most urgent. This part is simple. Pick out the items with strict deadlines: work projects, kids birthdays, meetings, fundraisers - anything that you have to do, but don't have flexibility in choosing a date. Write them in your calendar.


• Then move on to the most flexible.These will be the things that are important to you, but individually have no specific completion date. These are things like exercising, changing your eating habits, writing a chapter in your novel, writing a guestpost, making an appointment for your "yearly" health check up. Because of their flexible nature, these are the things that are always put off for "tomorrow". Only tomorrow you put them off again. And again. And again. And then you look up a year later and all you have to show for most of them is an extra 10lbs, and an empty word file where your novel should have been.
  
  
  
  • Set a date. These things don't have deadlines, so give them one. If you know you can always come back to it later, it will never be on top of your priority list.
  
  
  • Write it in your calendar. If you use an electronic calendar (your phone, google, etc), set reminders.
  
  
  
  


• Then finish everything else. Take a look at what's left on your list. These will be things that might have a generalized deadline, but not quite set in stone. Things like cleaning your house or grocery shopping. These are things that haveto be done in the near future, but can be moved around if needed. You have two choices with these:
  
  
  
  • Lock them in. You can always schedule these items, just like you did with the rest. If you like having your day planned ahead of time, this is probably the option for you. Want Saturday to be laundry day? You can do that. Or you can make Sunday, batch cooking day. And Wednesday can be dusting day. Tuesday is errand day. Whatever you decide - whatever is important for you.
  
  
  • Or set up a waiting list. If you're a go-with-the-flow type who likes to leave some things unplanned, this would be the option for you. Because these are things that have to be done frequently, you're unlikely to push them back too far. You can put these on a list and stick them to your refrigerator and get to them as you have time. Have an hour between errands and picking up the kids? Perfect time to wash some dishes, vacuum, or make your grocery list.
  
  
  
  

4. Get things done. With all of your distractions and worries all neatly planned and scheduled, you can finally relax. You can work on one task with completely, without worrying about when you'll get to the rest of them. Not only does this help lower your stress levels, it also allows you to focus on the task at hand, which means you'll get it done quicker, with less chance of errors. And that alone will save you time. Now go on and get things done!

 Image credit: Urs Steiner, Kroszk@

So You Want to Actually Enjoy the Holidays? 9 Tips to Knock Out Holiday Stress

With the U.S. coming off the Thanksgiving endorphin high induced by mounds of turkey, potatoes, and decadent sugary desserts, it's all too common to feel the seasonal stress slowly begin to tighten around your neck like a brightly lit and twinkling little noose. Many of you are likely to have a constant loop of "Oh but I still have to...", "Your mother is staying how long?", "Wait, that costs what?!", running through your heads like a bad song on repeat. You may even have already resigned yourself to thinking "This is just how the holidays are" and given up on the notion that they are supposed to be fun. Maybe you're stressed to the point that you find yourself like this little elf, curled into the fetal position, screaming  "No more!"

But the truth is that they aren't supposed to make you want to crawl into a cave until January. The holidays are about celebrating, giving, loving, coming together, and cherishing the things you  have and the people you're with.

Now, I'm not going to claim it will be easy. For these suggestions to work, you must want it. You must put forth the effort, stick to your guns, and follow through. If you do, you'll be on your way to truly happy holidays.

The "Yes, we're related" Stress

Fifteen people crammed into one house + individual annoyances and preferences + unsolicited advice + past grievances = Stress like no other stress.

These are all the people who know you the best, have seen you at your worst, and aren't afraid to call you out when they know you're making things up. But they're also the people who love you and want the best for you, even if they're doing it totally wrong.

1. Decide ahead of time the types of conversations you will (and won't) participate in. If you know there is likely to be some issue ruffling feathers, it's best to not get involved. Families like to help each other, but sometimes the best help you can offer is leaving a problem alone. If grandma is trying to scare off Katie's "unsuitable" boyfriend, stay out of it. Let Grandma and Katie, both, know that you won't be getting involved. Same goes for jobs, husbands, child-rearing, or the lack of.

2. If you're hosting a get-together, make some rules. It's your house, you decide what is allowed and what isn't. No arguing, no smoking, no re-cleaning my house after I just cleaned it. Whatever bugs you. It may seem petty to some, but if it's something that makes your blood pressure rise, then you need to lay down some ground rules. Be nice, but be clear.

3. Pay attention to the things that make you happy. These are usually small things, and as such, are often overlooked. Instead of focusing on the big things (that often have a tendency of going awry), pay attention to everything else. Love the smell of the Christmas Tree? Find a seat close to it. Feel calm watching the lights blink on and off? Take 10 minutes to sit and watch them. Love cooking? Offer to help in the kitchen. Enjoy being outside? Grab a kid and make a snowman. The possibilities are endless. Small things added up really do make a difference.

The "This is too expensive" Stress

These days holidays can seem less like holidays and more like A-reason-to-spend-money-days. Between gifts, food, decorations, travel and vacations, the holidays can seem like one big money pit. This season is about giving. It's not about giving the most expensive gift you can find. Find a balance that soothes your mind and your wallet.

1. Make a list. Decide who you're buying gifts for and stick to it. If you know money will be tight this year, it's time to trim the list. Do you really need to get a gift for your cousins two children? Should you get a gift for the aunt who lives 2000 miles away who you never see? Or what about your 20 grandchildren? It's up to you. Just remember that you have to draw the line somewhere. Decide who are the most important people in your life, who needs a smile the most, who gifts would help the most. Start with them.

2. Set limits. Decide how much you can realistically spend and then divvy it up appropriately among those you have to buy for. This way you know exactly how much you have to spend for each person, without having to do the mental money tango of "Can I afford this?" Decide ahead of time and stick to it.

3. Be okay with your decisions. You can't buy everyone exactly what they want all the time. Make your decisions, stick with them, and know that you did what you could. Don't feel guilty for what you missed or couldn't afford. Feel good knowing that you did what you were able. That's all you need to worry about.

The "I don't have time for this" Stress

24 hours in a day and you've got to sleep for at least a third of them. Somehow, you have to figure out how to fit all of your regular tasks in PLUS all of these new holiday ones - decorating, shopping, cooking, wrapping, parties, visiting and on and on. I can seem impossible, but you have more flexibility than you think.

1. Bundle up. And I don't mean with jackets. Bundle up your activities where possible to save time. Do your holiday food shopping the same day you usually buy your groceries. If you can afford it, have the stores wrap the gifts for you. Cooking a fancy meal? Double the recipes and freeze the extras. This could save several days worth of cooking, freeing up time for something else.

2. Enlist help. If you have older children, they can certainly help you cook, decorate, even wrap other children's presents (provided they won't blab what the presents are!) Teens can even help with the shopping and other errands. Get the spouse involved. Parents, friends, and siblings too. Make your holiday meal a potluck. Sometimes, it's hard to let go of control and allow others to help, but sometimes that's where the real spirit of the holidays comes out.

3. Realize you have limits. Do what you can and refuse to feel guilty or pressured to do something you can't. Relax and decide to enjoy yourself. If something doesn't get done, it doesn't get done. No worry, no guilt.

Just like you can love a person, but not like them very much, you can apply this thinking to the holidays. You may feel more stress, but you can learn to cherish these weeks in spite of it. Decide to be thankful for the things and the family that you have. Enjoy this time... and remember, they only happen once a year.

 Image courtesy of Dylan Tweney

On Labels and Going Beyond Stereotypes

This weeks post is going to be a bit different than usual. Instead of teaching, today I just want to talk to you.

I've been thinking a lot about labels this week — how we choose to let them define us and how no matter what, they will always exist.



We give ourselves these labels in order to place ourselves somewhere - anywhere. But are they even accurate?

Have you ever felt like you don't really belong with a label you've been given? Maybe you're a dude who likes other dudes. Maybe you're in a Christian family, but you've never agreed with the Christian teachings.

Maybe you want to skip the whole mothering thing, while everyone around you is pressuring you to have a child. Or maybe life made you a follower and all you want to do is lead for a change.

Or maybe you're a White Lesbian Athiest who just had a baby with your Black Christian Wife.

The truth is that no single label can ever begin to describe or define us. We are a mix of many, many labels and we must give up that "all or none" kind of thinking.

The other day, I said something to a friend that was perhaps a bit overly critical. She responded with "Aren't you supposed to be a Buddhist?" Which was her way of saying I should be nicer to her.

Regardless of my comment, her question is what got me thinking about labels. In truth, I'm not technically a Buddhist. I do feel that most of my beliefs align well with the Buddhist philosophy, and I have considered becoming a full-fledged Buddhist, but it's still a very new thing for me. Most of us grow up with religion being handed to us - we believe what our parents believe. It would take me years to learn and study a new language, not days or weeks.

So what's my point here? This friend knew about my research into Buddhism and automatically assumed that would suddenly be "Buddhist", as if by assuming that label, all Buddhist traits would immediately be mine.

It doesn't work that way.

How about a new mother who is so tired that she would rather sleep than hold her newborn? I hear this story so often, but yet these exhausted new moms are still feeling the pressure to be SuperMom and they are plagued with guilt when their emotions don't match up.

Or the son who is expected to join the family business like his father and his father's father, except he'd rather go out on his own and explore the world.

The problem with labels isn't fitting into them— it's the backlash from not fitting into them. Tweet

Once you take on a label, those around you know where to put you in their convenient mental filing system. They expect certain behaviors from you, and you deviate from the label, their whole system crashes.

And you know what?

That's okay.

Because it isn't your problem, it isn't your concern, and it isn't your job to help them pick up the shattered pieces of their stereotypes— It's theirs.

They are the ones who created the problem in the first place. They are the ones responsible for their confusion. Not you.

 The opposite of a label is still a label.

I see so many who try desperately to avoid being labeled or stereotyped. But this just isn't possible. The opposite of one label, while different, is still a label - even if you don't have a direct replacement for it.

For example, most of the people around me are huge fans of the Florida Gators football team. Their slogan happens to be "If you're not a Gator, you're Gator bait." They assume that you're either with them or against them. But then here comes me, who isn't a fan of the Gators. Which would, by their definition, make me one big juicy piece of bait.

Only, I'm not against them. I'm not for them, but I'm not against them. I just happen to have zero interest in football. I couldn't care less who wins or loses.

But even though I don't take sides, I still have a label that's been given to me.

Make like the wind.

I believe that one label, or ten, can never begin to truly define us. Yes, we may have labels, but they are simply to guide us, never define us. Otherwise, there'd be a lot of other people in this world just like us.

In order to be individuals, we must let go of the rigid walls of stereotype, and find our own way. Learning to flow where life takes us can be an immeasurable part of finding happiness. Instead of clinging desperately to your labels, try letting go and see where the wind takes you.

Instead of saying "I am __________."  try simply saying "I am."

 

Why It's Good To Question Your Beliefs

Where do your beliefs - your deeply held opinions regarding life and everything and everyone around you - come from?

Do you even know? Have you ever thought about it?

Today, I want you to question these beliefs. I want you to ask why.

Why do I have this belief?

Now, before we get started, I want to clarify that I am not referring to religious or spiritual beliefs (although I do feel that they should never be taken lightly or blindly). Instead, I want to focus on other beliefs that are woven into your life, often without you even realizing it.

Have you ever thought:

• I have to ______ before I die.


• I should do something because it's what I'm supposed to do.


• I shouldn't do something because I'm not supposed to do it.


• My friends/family should always ______.


• A real job looks like ______.


• A real marriage is ______.


• And on and on...

These statements, and thousands of others like them, are beliefs you have about your life. Beliefs are the individual threads woven into the fabric of your life (Hmm... I suddenly feel like I stepped out of a Cotton commercial). They help to define who we are, who we interact with, and how we interact with them.

Beliefs Are Good Until They're Not

Beliefs can be very good for us, after all they help us know how to define major areas in our lives. But sometimes these beliefs, which we often rely on to maintain our happiness, can get us into some real emotional hot water. Sometimes, the people in our lives just can't live up to our beliefs. Sometimes, we can't live up to our own beliefs. Sometimes, there's this big, messy, grey area where there isn't a clear cut answer.

Or maybe we make the worst mistake and assume that everyone else shares our beliefs, thereby expecting certain things from them that they don't know they're supposed to do.

A turnip is a turnip, no matter how much you wish it were a carrot. Tweet this.

So why (and when) should you question your beliefs?

1. When they're making you unhappy

If your belief is causing you unhappiness, then it's time to take a deeper look. It's time to start asking why. Is it the belief itself causing your unhappiness?  Or maybe it's the consequences of the belief? It could be that you don't really hold the belief, despite telling yourself that you do.

2. Because they're old beliefs you've carried with you for years. 

Is it something that's been hammered into you your whole life? Have you been told "this is how it is" so many times that you actually believe it too? You need to really take the time to look into it and make sure you haven't outgrown it.

3.When you haven't objectively considered them.

Have you honestly looked at your beliefs, seriously and objectively, and kept them around because you truly do believe in them. Or do you hold your beliefs because they are the culturally acceptable norm? Forget everyone else - you must concentrate on what's right for you.

4.When they actually belong to someone else.

Humans are very adaptable creatures. And it doesn't stop at climate and diet. We adapt to what is considered "normal" around us as well (among many, many other things). We see what other people consider normal. And out of our desires to fit in, we learn to adopt other peoples standards and beliefs as our own. As I said earlier, sometimes this can be good, but we absolutely must decide of they fit in with our other beliefs. If they don't, the dissonance they cause can be very problematic at best.

Just remember, beliefs aren't laws. They can change as often as you need them to in order to be happy. Question, question, question. If it's not working, find a way to make it work, or toss that sucker. Life's too short to be unhappy!

Have you ever had a belief wreck havoc in your life? What did you do to restore the balance? Share below in the comments.

Image courtesy of Fayez

Are The People In Your Life Ruining Your Self-Esteem?

This is a hard question because it's one many people don't want to look at too closely.

We don't want to admit that a person we care about is bad for us. We don't want to admit that we chose to let the wrong person into our lives. We don't want to let go of something that probably was pretty good at one time or another.

Maybe we know someone toxic, spewing their poison everywhere they go. Or maybe they are a bit more subtle, leaving drops of negativity in sneaky places, making your believe they are your own.

Or it could be that they aren't intentionally hurting you. As busy as life is these days, we're often so preoccupied with our own life that  we're unaware of the feelings of those around us. It's normal. But how much is okay? How long should you hold on to someone who is too busy for you? That's an answer I'm still working on.

But I do know this:

Chances are that you have someone in your life right now that you probably should have let go a long time ago. Tweet this.

And as hard as it can be to deal with this person, as much stress as you feel when they are around you or when you think about them, they actually affect you much more than you might realize. This is where I introduce the concept of the generalized other and the term everybody committee.

The Generalized Other and Your Everybody Committee

When I learned about these concepts, I was flabbergasted. The ideas were so simple, but so true, that I couldn't fathom why it had never occurred to me before. And since learning of these concepts, I have drastically changed how I view the people around me.

So what are they?

The generalized other is a concept that was introduced by George Herbert Mead. It is basically our interpretation of how we think other people expect us to think and act in a situation.

A great example of the generalized other is the WWJD bracelet craze that popped up back in the 90's. If you don't know, "WWJD" stands for "What would Jesus do?" The bracelets were created to be a little reminder to think of how Jesus would want you to act in a situation. This is a classic generalized other.

If you ever ask yourself "What am I supposed to wear?" or "How am I supposed to act?" then you are calling on your knowledge of the generalized other.

Now, a generalized other isn't bad, in fact according to Mead, it's necessary, especially as a child, to learn and adapt to correct behavior and expectations.

But many times we take the generalized other too far, letting it control us too much.

So how do we control it and where do the majority of our notions of the generalized other come from?

This is where your everybody committee comes into play.

I had the pleasure of picking up the November 2012 issue of O Magazine a couple weeks ago and this is how I discovered the concept of everybody committees.

Everybody committee is a term coined by life coach, Martha Beck. And though I'm still learning about this term, I wanted to give you an overview of the idea behind it. You can find the original article on the O Magazine website  if you'd like to read it (which I highly recommend that you do!).

"Your generalized other is actually based on a mental magnification of just a few people, often the most judgmental people you know." — Martha Beck

Beck suggests an exercise where you complete sentences like "Everybody thinks I'm ____"  and then think of a real life person who has actually, word for word, said this to you. There are more examples of this exercise in the original article. I urge you to go read this part at the very least, I can wait.

These people are your everybody committee. Beck says "I believe most of us have very small committees—often just one individual, almost never more than six. Yet we subconsciously project their opinions onto the entire global population."

They are often the most negative or influential people in your life. So when you are feeling frustrated and upset, and you lash out saying something like "I'm tired of everybody _______!" you're saying "everybody" but you're most likely feeling pressure from only one or two people.

Did you get that? Because it's important.

We tend to take the opinion of one person, and put it on everyone. And this is where we get into trouble.

This is where we feel unloved by everyone because one person won't call us back. This is where we get angry at a whole group of people because of one persons stupidity.

But it's also why we might put up with pain longer than we should.

Going back to the negative people in your life - Are these people in your everybody committee? Have you caught yourself blaming "everyone" for something that only they have said or done? Has your self-esteem suffered because of this person?

If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then it's time to look at that relationship and decide if it's worth it to keep them in your life.

Remember:

We only get one life. We shouldn't waste it by defending our choices to everyone, when we should just say goodbye to one person. Tweet this.

I'm still deciding how to handle the people that I've realized are in my everybody committee. Of course, it isn't going to be easy and definitely not painless. But in the long run it will be worth it.

What about you? Did you learn anything new by completing the exercise Beck suggested? Please share you thoughts in the comments below.

Image courtesy of Jamiesrabbits

 

Why Acceptance Isn't Optional

Acceptance is one of the most important things you can do for your happiness.

But there's a lot of mystery and hype surrounding that word— Happiness. We're told "do this" or "buy that" and we'll be happy. So we do what we're told to do and buy what we're told to buy, all in the hope of gaining a bigger slice of the happiness pie.

But the truth is that we already have everything we need to be happy. Most of us just haven't realized it yet.

You know where this is going now, don't you?

That's right— Acceptance.

Many people believe that acceptance means defeat (it doesn't) or that it makes you a failure (nope) and they never give this fantastic tool a fair shot.

Why is acceptance so important anyway?

To answer that, we first have to look at where the need for it is coming from. If we know that acceptance is the solution, then non-acceptance is the problem.

Think about the most recent negative emotions you have felt. Maybe you felt anger or impatience? Irritation? Heartache? Fear?

Now, look a why you felt those emotions.

Perhaps a friend said something insulting and it made you angry. Or your husband forgot your anniversary and it made you feel hurt and invisible. Maybe you felt irritation and impatience pounding in your ears as you sat in rush hour traffic on your way home from work last night.

Though each one is different, they are all the same.

In each situation, you reacted negatively, because something didn't go the way you wanted it to.

I've said that before, but it's super important, so I'm going to say it again...

You feel negative emotions because something didn't go the way you wanted it to.

This is important.

We like being in control. And we don't like to admit that we can't control the majority of what happens to us. Sure, we have the power to choose, but we never know with certainty what result that choice will bring us. And so we like to pretend that we do have control, that we can choose exactly what happens to us.

The result? Something doesn't go according to plan and we feel anger (or some other negative emotion) at ourselves (for picking a bad plan) or whoever has done us wrong (for interrupting our perfect plan).

We must accept that we can not control everything.

Basic acceptance begins with admitting that we aren't perfect, nor can we ever be. We make mistakes and we learn from them. This is how we grow and learn. Perfection is an unrealistic and impossible goal.

I repeat: Perfection is an impossible goal. Tweet this.

Accept your emotions

Since we know we can't be perfect, it makes sense that learning something new, such as acceptance, will take time and that we'll make mistakes along the way, especially in the beginning. We'll still get angry, we'll still feel impatience. But rather than berating yourself, just accept it.

Say to yourself, "I'm angry/impatient/annoyed, and that's okay. I am okay." Instead of giving in to your emotions, learn from them. With practice, those negative emotional spikes won't be quite so pointy.

Accept the situation

A common misconception is that acceptance means giving up, not striving for progress or for something more. You can still set goals - say to lose your temper less or to lose 20 pounds, all while still practicing acceptance.

Let's take weight loss as an example.

You step on the scale, note your weight and decide that you really do need to lose those last 20 pounds. At this point you can be critical with yourself, groaning about not exercising enough and eating too many bad foods... OR

You can accept that what's done is done. Yes, you ate the foods. Yes, you didn't exercise as much as you should have. But talking negatively to yourself isn't going to magically transport you back in time and give you the chance to redo it all. And it certainly isn't going to make you feel confident that you'll be able to do it in the future.

In fact, all that negativity is going to make you more likely to fail in the future.

Instead, just remind yourself that this is how things are right now— this minute, today. It's not how it has to be tomorrow or next month. Build up practicing acceptance and bit by bit you'll allow yourself to be a happier person.

How are you going to practice acceptance today? Share below in the comments.

Image courtesy of Alex France